What do I do?

[Notgettinoverit]

a little history:

ExP and I split 10 years ago. He has continued to support me financially and our children both emotionally and financially.

Now our children are getting older, he wants to move into my town (so he would be living 5-10 miles away from me, but his nearest town would be mine). I can see that this has benefits for our children, who don't want to miss out on weekend activities but I can't see what's wrong with him just driving them to their activities each weekend. I think it's selfish of him to want to move closer.

I am still angry with him and don't want to be reminded of his perfect life. He has remarried, is happy and has other children (another problem is these other children would go to the same school as our children which I do not want, even though there is a big age gap, so they probably wouldn't mix)

I have written to him and told him that if he moves to my town, I will move our children from the school and move away from the area.

Can I do that? He pays our children's school fees and might stop if I moved our children to a new school.

TBH I don't think you can remove the kids like that unless he's a physical danger to them - and even then it is a lengthy legal battle etc.

Surely he can live wherever he wants? It isn't your decision - it's his life...

I don't think you can punish him by dictating this way because you are struggling with the anger etc you feel.

Sorry.

He pays the school fees so he does have a large say in where the children go to school.

Are you honestly saying that you are not happy about your childrfen going to the same school as their half/step siblings? I have 5 half brothes and sisters and would have been devestated if this had been my mothers reaction to them.

I don't think it's fair on the children to have to move school, its a big upheaval for them.

Im sure he is moving to be closer to the children, and to be part of their lives-and not to rub your nose in it.

Yes, it is harder for you though. Can the children make their own way home though as they are older? Would that stop you from bumping into him?

I think it sounds like he is trying to do someting positive for is relationship with his children. I would love my XP to live closer to us as it would increase the amount of time he could spend with our 2 oldest ds's.

Are you sure you are not feeling angry/resentful still about your separation and his new relationship. Sometimes what's best for our kids and what's best for us are two different things.

I am still very angry about him leaving me.

I told him, when we split, that he couldn't live in my town and he agreed, so why should he now be able to tell me he's going to. It's not fair.

He has moved on easily, has a good life, is married while I am on my own and while he does provide for me financially, this does not provide the lifestyle I would like nor the lifestyle I would have if we were still married.
To Sophiewd: yes I am very unhappy that his other children would attend the same school as our children. I don't want to have to even think about them.

I wouldn't bump into him at the school as they are much younger than our children. But that's not the point.

I don't see why I should put up with him constantly changing the goal posts. He says it's because our children have different needs now, but it feels like he is pulling the rug from under my feet again.

I don't see why I should put up with this.

Straightforward question:

If you did move and change your children's school - would it be for their benefit or because you were angry?

It would be because I told him I did not want him to live here and he agreed to that, many years ago, and now he's spouting that our children's needs have changed and he's going to live here regardless of my feelings or thoughts.

I do appreciate that it would not benefit our children to move them while they are settled in seinor school but it is not acceptable that he does not consider my feelings.

his other children are your children's half brothers/sisters, no? personally i think its awful that the children are being involved in what's happening with their parents. coming from parents who split, i get on really well with my dad's girlfriend's kids (my dad isn't their dad) but mum makes me feel guilty about it

no, he's not considering your feelings but he is considering the feelings of your children. trust me, the situation would be a whole lot worse if he didn't care about them either

i think if you were also in a happy relationship you would feel alot differently
therefore it's not your childrens fault that you aren't and it's totally not fair that you should make them suffer just because you're still bitter.
You need to get over your ex and don't punish your children because you havent been able to.

Ooooh, don't use the word bitter. It's a horrible word, and it makes it sound like the wronged wife is unjustifiably pissed off at being dumped. You are allowed to be pissed off that you have been dumped! Rant over. Forgive me

NGOI, completely understand your rage, I would hate it if my xh lived in my town. The thought of bumping into him would make me into a hermit. But then I'm one of life's avoiders. I avoid everything that's going to cause me pain or anxiety. Maybe you are the same?

I really admire the ladies on here who meet their xp's OWs (or new DWs) and try to form some sort of civil relationship with them. They are often fraught with anxiety, these relationships, but they work at it for their children's sake. Respect, ladies [flicking fingers, Ali G style, emoticon].

In this matter, as with everything else in life, familiarity breeds contempt. The ladies who face their pain now will get over it much faster than we who avoid the reality of our xh's new life, IMHO.

I'm not saying you must invite them all to dinner immediately, but is there any way that you can tolerate this happening, whilst laying down a few ground rules in order to minimise your pain? Such as they must book different times for parents' evening, etc?

BTW ten years is a long time still to be so fraught by it all. Have you had counselling?

10 years and you are still not over it? You need to do something about that: counselling, get a job, get a hobby, get a LIFE! You have wasted 10 years of your life, don't waste any more - and please don't try to make demands on other people or mess up your DCs lives and prevent them having relationships with their half-siblings. One man did not want to continue in a couple-relationship with you. Big deal. Please start enjoying your life instead of trying to control or spoil everyone else's.

Jeez, you are lucky - he sounds like a caring dad. He wants to be closer to his kids, surely that has to be a positive FOR YOUR CHILDREN. You need to show them that you harbour no resentment for him, he is their daddy. If you show resentment they will resent you, and my god, if you move them you can expect plenty of that from them!

They have half brothers and sister, wouldn't it be great that they were at the same school to watch over them - (always wanted an older sibling myself! )

I think you need to look at it from your dc's point of view and put them first.

Also some counselling to get some closure for you would be a good idea.

Are you saying you are going to uproot your kids, move them to another school, to another town, away from their friends and familiar things to prevent them to interact more with their half siblings, and to avoid bumping in the street with a man who you don't have a relationship with since 10 years ago???

Beggars belief, honest. You need to find help to find a way to overcome such hate, you can be sure the person you are damaging more by harbouring that hate is YOURSELF, it doesn't allow you to move on and you are risking hurting everyone. If you really care about your children, find help.

Wow - count yourself lucky that they have a father that wants to spend time with them. My ds's father has already moved on to lover number 2 in less than a year and enjoys his travel far more than spending time with the boys. We're only just divorcing and if you knew what I'd gone through to be able to be a few miles down the road from their father you'd probably think I was mad. Seriously get some counselling for yourself and do not damage the children's relationship with their father and certainly don't move them.