Having recently discovered the joy of MN hunting for pooey pant sympathisers (DS pants, not mine), and finding many fellow sufferers to share tactics with, I thought I would see if there was anyone else out there that shares the other thing that features heavily in my life - a gay ex.
Bear with me as I ramble, but it is quite cathartic to put this into writing.
After a truly shocking year after my DS was born, the truth why exP wss being so foul was revealed - he was / is gay. It was a bit of a shock (!!), obviously, as not only do we have DS, but he has 2 DDs from his first marriage. He was married for 9 years before sadly his wife died when his DDs were very young, which is tragic. We met, got together, moved in together, I aqquired 2 step DDs which was unbelievably tough(and one made my life hell, not helped by feeble parenting from exP. But that is another issue altogether).
To cut a long story (reasonably )short, he changed jobs and started working up in town, which was new to him as he had always worked locally.About 18 months after we had been together, we found out I was pregnant, which was a bit of a surprise as not planned, but we were delighted. Wonderful DS born, first 6 months were great, and then things began to change. Very tough, as I had to go back to work, so stressful days and stressful nights, small baby, step DDs ebing challenging, he was going out more than he used to. Working late, furtive calls and texting - guess the usual things when you suspect someone is having an affair.....
Having found a couple of things that I wasn't supposed to see, (yes, I rummaged where I shouldn't have rummaged...) I suspected, but didn't challenge - I wasn't emotioanlly strong enough to, so I spent a few months knowing but not talking about it - to him or to anyone really. Eventually, things came to a head and he told me that he couldn't stay in this relationship because he was gay. We talked about it and is seems like he has been supressing these feelings for years - since he was very young. He says knew then that something wasn't quite right, but thought that if he ignored it, it would go away, so had lots of girlfirends - he was a bit of ladies man in his younger days from what I have heard - and he got married young and had 2 children. I often wonder what would have happened if he was still with his first wife.
I think working up in town and in the company he was working for he was exposed to the gay scene - started socialising with work friends etc... and years and years of what had been supressed started coming to the surface. Especially as he was no longer the sole focus of my attention - I had a new man in my life, and he found that very hard.
Ironically I had often joked that I thought he was gay because he was vainer than I was, was far more concerned about his apprearance that I was, he was tidier, he was a great cook, great at ironing and cleaning - a far better wife than I would ever be - huge fan of Victoria Wood, loved amatuer dramatics and karaoke... Looking back the signs were all there! I love gay men - I have great gay friends and they are fabulous (and the best party pals!)
So, after it was all out in the open, our families were told (not easy), and we started to plan to seperate. We continued to live together for 6 months, he was sleeping downstairs. The DDs knew we were seperating but not the reasons why and they still do not know. They have had enough to deal with without this - one day when they are older, but not now.
I went to a family counsellor as I needed to talk to someone independantly and she was brilliant and made me feel good about myself again. I felt like my entire life had been tipped out of a bag and was lying on the floor and I didn't know where to start in putting it back again. She helped me find the positive out of what was a dreadful situation. And believe it or not, the positives were there, and in fact they far out-way the negatives.
Despite all the trauma, I can honestly say that I have a far better realtionship with exP now that we would ever have had if we had stayed together. Infact I don't think I could have sustained things as they were, especially with one of the DDs, which he consistently refused to deal with. I would have probably ended being the one who left, then I would have been the bad guy. And I know exP well enough to know that he would have made life difficult.
I have been very fair and very reasonable about the whole situation. Supported him and he sees DS whenever he wants. I still have a good relationship with step DDs (but boy oh boy amI glad that I am not responsible for step teenage DDs and my own 3 year old DS - I would most certainly be taken away by those nice men in white coats, and sadly not the ones from the Aveda spa, but the ones from The Priory...), and DS loves his sisters and they adore him. I still see and get on with the ex-in laws, but my parents, and I quote, never want to breathe the same air as him, which doesn't help. But I try to understand it from therr perpective but their attitude causes me more stress than anything else.
It is nearly 2 years since I found out. I get on really well with exP, sounds a bit bonkers, but he is one of my dearest friends. I will always love him as he is the father of my wonderful DS. As I wanted him to be a major part of DS life, the only way forward was to get on with each other Yes I hated him to start with, but far too much energy wasted hating, so decided it was best to use it positively. So we are friends, we speak every day, see each at least twice a week and he often stays over so that DS gets to see daddy in the mornings. If I am honest, he is not the best parent, but he loves DS unconditionally. So yes, I do the lions share of all the childcare / parenting - the nursery drop offs, picks ups, the potty training, the pooey pants, the projectile vomit in the night etc etc But I also get the lions share of the good bits - the morning hugs, the goodnight stories and kisses, his funny lovely gorgeous moments etc... there are too many of those to mention.
So after that long ramble, I just wondered if there was any one else out there that started their relationship with what they thought was a straight guy, only to find that he was great friends with Dorothy. As I have told people my soap-style story over the years, I have been amazed by how many people have said, "oh, that happened to a girl at work", or "my sister knows someone who has been through that", so it clearly is more common than you would think. But I have never chatted to anyone first hand about it, especially someone who, like me, does get on with and actually still quite likes, their exP.
Would be lovely to hear from you!
x