Just fed up 😞 Why is everyone so selfish

[Anonymouseky]

I just need to vent. It’s not like me to wallow, but I’m feeling utterly fed up today. I’m a single parent to two children who do not get on. I have a stressful job (teacher) and I’m also studying for work related quals. I never seen the have time to do anything fun. My evenings and weekends are taken up by studying or work that I haven’t had time to do in my actual working time. Fun family time is in short supply. When I do get time, my kids just argue and fight all the time. They can’t occupy themselves for long without them arguing.

It feels like literally everyone in my life is incredibly selfish. I don’t live near family, and the father of my children seems happy to drop the kids when he’s got something better to do (gig/ hols etc). I feel like everyone in my life wants something from me, but I get very little in return. No one asks me how I am.

One of my closest friends had a mental breakdown recently and I have tried to be there for her, as have our other friends. However, (and I feel awful for saying this), it has started to put a strain on us all. We are bombarded with messages and new problems daily. I have been through a very difficult time a few years ago and didn’t get anywhere near as much support as I have given. Far from it in fact. I do feel a bit resentful over that.

I recently went part time at work because ft teaching as a single parent whilst studying is truly soul destroying. However, on my days ‘off’ I’m bombarded by work messages on Teams or WhatsApp. I never get head space from work. I love teaching but there’s so much nonsense that goes along with the job, it’s no wonder so many teachers leave. That’s not an option for me for the next few years at least. I’ve thought about turning off notifications, but that could cause other problems.

Another friend wants everything on her own terms. Only wants to meet up when it suits her. Never wants to compromise or make an effort. I’ve now started to back away as I’m fed up of making all the effort. She has also just come into a lot of money and doesn’t work (never really has). I can’t say that doesn’t annoy me a little as I’ve worked so hard my whole life and never seem to catch a break. Just feels like everyone else is ‘helped’ in some way except for me. Very self pitying I know. Obviously my friend can’t help that she has been given a lot, but I’m annoyed that she doesn’t make more effort with regards to our friendship and won’t compromise when she has a lot more free time to meet up. I’m currently too annoyed to even raise the issue with her as I have no mental energy left.

Then there is my dad who has often put himself and his partner first. Doesn’t think about the impact on me. He doesn’t really put himself out for people and didn’t even do that for me when I was a child either. I had a big birthday not long ago and he wouldn’t even go out for a meal as he didn’t fancy it. It meant I spent it alone with the kids. No one seems to consider me at all if I’m honest.

I’m usually quite a pro active person and I tend to just get on with things and look for solutions. As I mentioned earlier, I’m not usually one to wallow but I guess we all get fed up sometimes. Has anyone got any words of wisdom for me or any suggestions as to how I can improve things? Has anyone been in a similar position and made things better somehow?

That sounds hard OP.

One thing you wrote really stood out for me "It's not like me to wallow".

I agree the people in your life do sound a little thoughtless but am guessing you haven't actually told the people concerned how you feel? Can you have a conversation with your friends about what your life is actually like and asking if they can better support you? Chances are they have no idea you are struggling.

School should not be messaging you when you are not working. You do know you can mute WhatsApp groups? I'm not sure about Teams.

What do you think is preventing you from challenging your ex DP on his behaviour regarding the children?

Sorry lots of questions but it sounds like you are totally overwhelmed and if we can unpick it a bit it might help.

Thank you, I’m already feeling a bit better for having got it all out. You’re right in that a lot of my friends probably think everything’s fine as I never usually moan about my own things much. I’ve got used to sorting out my problems as I guess I’ve had to do it from a young age after losing my mum who was a massive emotional support for me.

I didn’t know I could mute WhatsApp’s. If I can mute a few groups for a while that may actually help. It would help to not have distractions at certain times when I just need some headspace to focus on something else. Although I’ll probably do it for friendship groups rather than work ones, although I know I may need to protect myself a bit from work interruptions too.

I guess I’ve not brought up the issues with their dad as he finds parenting a bit stressful at times, and I always tend to think they’re probably all happier when the kids are with me. He does see them regularly but will duck out if something comes up. It would never occur to me to book a gig or something fun if I was due to have the kids. It’s very very rare for me to put myself first. I know I should sometimes, but it’s hard to break the habit. Maybe people just get used to that being the status quo.

I'd pull their dad up on his behaviour. I get that you don't want the kids to suffer but if he doesn't step up, he'll never learn. Not quite the same but I have a terminal cancer diagnosis which means I've had to hand a whole load of stuff over to DH, partly coz I'm knackered and partly to train him up for when I'm gone. I've always been the default parent and I had no idea how he'd cope but when he was put in a position of having to do it, he just got on with it and he's surprised me. Also, if we are talking about putting kids first, you really do need to put yourself first sometimes or you'll burn out and that will impact on them.

I’m so sorry to hear of your diagnosis. You are absolutely right that sometimes people surprise you when they have to cope. I’m definitely feeling a bit burnt out, mainly from work, and the frustration of not being able to give the kids my time and attention. I’ve managed to finish an assignment today though, which was weighing heavily on me. Still got a load of marking to do tonight, but then I’m going to give the kids my full focus tomorrow and will hopefully feel better for the week ahead.

Thank you for your supportive message. I really hope you are managing to get sufficient rest. I’m glad your husband is supporting you through what must be a worrying and challenging time.

I think it's natural to feel this way. When you're very stressed, busy and worn out, it's hard to never be looked after or supported. I'm in a similar boat, teaching and doing my masters and all the parenting, a bunch of medical issues and no supportive family.

If I don't relate to someone and there's too many differences and they aren't supportive, I started wondering why I was investing so much. I started to feel resentful like you. I found that when I stopped giving, friends stopped calling. It was a sad realisation but I have a bit more time now and at least I'm not dealing with resentment or feeling let down. My social interactions are now mostly with my fellow students and actually it's quite refreshing having people in a similar situation to me.

I've been going for 1-2× monthly massages and treatments and the therapist is so easy to talk to. It's not therapy but it keeps me sane and it's so worth it paying for some self care. No one else was going to look after me so I did it for myself! I wrestled with financial guilt but decided I shouldn't feel guilty about keeping myself mentally above water.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here, OP. It's time to take yourself seriously. You matter too. So your kids' dad finds parenting stressful? So do you.

No one will give you a break or know how things really are for you unless you tell them how you are and what you need. They will simply see you as the capable sort who just gets on with everything and makes everything OK. Start putting your needs in the mix and watch people shift in response.

That’s a really good idea. I think I might do something similar and book in for a massage or some kind of treatment maybe once or twice a month if funds allow. I think that could do me some good. I feel like I never stop, and I always put myself bottom of the list.

Im having a similar experience to you in that since I’ve stopped making so much effort with certain ‘friends’, I’ve barely heard from them. It does make me a bit sad as it’s horrible to realise I probably never really meant that much to them anyway. Thankfully I do have some amazing work colleagues who are probably the only thing keeping me in that job at the moment. It’s quite telling that they know more about me and what’s currently going on in my life than the friends I’ve had for 30+ years.

I hope your masters goes well. That’s something I would like to do next after these other quals I’m currently doing.

You’re right, I definitely need to start putting my needs in the mix. I recently did this with a friend when trying to arrange a catch up. It seems to have resulted in us not meeting at all, but if that’s what needs to happen, then so be it. I can’t keep being the one who makes all the effort and compromises as I’ll just end up more resentful.

I guess the outcome of being an after thought for everyone is that you end up being very self reliant, although it would be nice not to have to be every now and again.

I think the monthly massages / treatments etc is a great idea. I also think with regards to Ex you must not be available when he wants to duck out. Have something 'prepared' that you can't get out of. Indeed, you should have something planned for just you!
You're doing a great job, i know how hard teaching is and that's not withstanding being a lone parent

The thing is at the moment nobody is making you do any of the things you're doing in terms of letting your exh flake out, or giving so much support to a friend who doesn't support you in return. Which is great, because it means you can just stop doing it although it may not be easy it is necessary.

You can just drop the rope with both of those people. You don't owe them the level of support you're giving and you can stop at any time. Mute the WhatsApp groups, or turn your phone off when you're with your dc. Go out or be unavailable when exh has got the DC. "You want to drop them back? Sorry you can't, I'm out with friends. I'll see them back at 4pm tomorrow, which is what we agreed". The dc are safe and well with their dad and you need downtime.

Have a look at the book ‘Let Them’ by Mel Robbins if you can.

People can be shit and single motherhood is hard. I was a single mum for 2 decades.

Youre doing really well, I know no one ever tells you that. - and that is probably a testament to how well you seem to be coping.

The kids will grow out of the fighting and this time will pass sooner than you think and you’ll look back and miss it.

Find little things in each day for you. A cup of tea quietly or a walk outside in nature.

Sending lots of love ♥️

I hear you OP, so much of this resonates. I work FT, demanding job, very little family support, DS dad does bob all (he has addiction issues and lives quite a distance so although I'm pleased he does see DS on a regular basis, he is not someone to be relied on). I try hard to check in with friends having a tough time, but rarely does anyone check in with me.

I've just made an appointment with a therapist. I wrestled with guilt at the expense (am I just paying someone to be my friend? 😂), but really like what @AllTheSupplements said about considering spending money on keeping myself mentally above water is worth it. I cried filling out the pre-session form though. Emergency contact - well, the only person I could put there was my 82 year old dad, not sure what help he would be in an emergency! And there was a question on what support I have which I had to leave blank. Maybe I'll find some strategies to how better to ask for help. I'm well aware that I have issues deep rooted in childhood that have left me overly self-reliant. I guess this is what I present to people.

How old are your children OP?
I too, was a single mum its not easy, working, friends were shi*..dad was a waste of time..wasnt interested.
I had an epiphany like you..i got rid of the friends that weren't really friends, i got out for coffee odd time with a book or just walked, i joined meetup, i turned phone off at weekends and said to folk to ring the home phone only if important. As for kids arguing, if theyre old enough, and it gets too much just tell them youre going for a walk and expect the house to be quieter when you get back...if it isnt go back out..theyll get the message.

When you say part time how part time are you? Could you divide your time off into study time, work time or cleaning/life admin? Or allocate certain nights for some of that leaving other nights free? When I was part time I found I had to be really organised how I used my time on my own.