What to do about useless father

[Claire2361]

My ex and I split in March, he moved out at couple months later. Was having emotional affair but will never admit it, had complete personality transplant, bordering mid life crisis. Posts ridiculous teenage crap about his girlfriend everyday on social media, shes 11 years younger, waxed his whole body, started tanning, just changed everything

I can look past that, it's shocking but embarrassing and he's making a fool of himself. HOWEVER

He is now an utterly useless dad to our 6 year old girl. He sees her twice a week, but it's just a chore he feels he has to obligate, he is never present with her, on his phone religiously, half hearted responses to her, never takes her anywhere and is just not arsed. He will post stupid reels he's made of her on social media so it looks like he's dad of the year when in reality it was 20 seconds of him paying her any attention

I know what he's like because it's my home he has her at, he has no suitable accommodation. Daughter has started asking him to get off his phone, she crave attention so plays up for him.

Sometimes I'm so mad that this man's her father i want to out him to everyone for being a waste of space, but i convince myself to rise above it, what will it achieve except temporary pleasure?

How do you navigate this situation, I've spoke to him a few times he sees no wrong in his actions. Do I let him just continue, will it hurt damage our daughter? Or is this better than nothing?

So hard!

Just to add daughter is autistic and him leaving was so difficult with the change of routine but she's done amazing with it, and I've been supermum with her but the sense of injustice I feel is profound. Sadness for a good dad that she deserves, but I can't ever change who he is!

Please stop having him in your space to see your dd. His housing issues are not your problem to solve. He can take her out to a park or the cinema or somewhere.

I know, the set up is not good and unfair. I feel if I stop him from having her at mine she would never see him. She can go to the local park but that's about it, with her being autistic she struggles with travelling and crowded places. But this setup cannot go on indefinitely so I need to make some changes!

I agree, he needs to stop visiting. He isn’t being her Dad in any sense of the word.

He needs to take her out. He need to find something to actually do with her.

and he may stop seeing her. Which would be sad. But it’s already sad that she sees her Dad twice a week when he doesn’t engage with her, doesn’t take any responsibility for her and then uses her for his social media.

Growing up with a Dad like that is very sad

Claire please don't think I was criticising you. I think you let him use the house to continue his relationship with his daughter from the best of motives. But he isn't doing that, is he? He's using you and disappointing her. Is it a relationship worth having if it upsets her

My ex husband left when my daughter was a similar age - 2 years on she really struggles with having him back in the home/in her space so I've had to stop the arrangement now. If he wants to see them then he has to take them to the park or an activity

Nope it isn't, breaks my heart. I have a very good relationship with my father, he was great when we were younger, it hurts that she doesn't have that. It's like she's just a hindrance to his new life. How someone you've known 14 years, lived with for 12 can turn into a heartless selfish pig is just mind boggling. My girl has enough love from me and my family I know that, so I guess I have to accept this is how it is with him.

I think a lot of men can only be great Dads when they are in a relationship with the mother.

It’s shocking and horrifying. But it’s like they don’t see the children as their own people. The energy, time and love is invested to keep the romantic relationship with mother. Sometimes, not because they adore the mother. But because it’s easier to stay in status quo.

Once that romantic relationship is over, their relationship with children becomes one of obligation only. Something that gets in the way of them pursuing the next exciting hobby/woman/trip and so on.