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Communication with dad

7 replies

almaba · 23/09/2024 13:47

Is this realistic? Dad wants video cal with toddler twice a day, no toys just wants him to sit there and talk in room with no distractions and asks him lots of questions and makes sure he says love you and kisses screen. We first had issue because 3 year old wasn't saying love you back and apparently that was my fault I wasn't making him then and I put my foot down about that, he says it now and engages and now it's because toddler brings a toy on the video call to hold and now we're arguing about that, how can I resolve this?

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HowardTJMoon · 23/09/2024 14:55

He's being absolutely absurd. You can't force a toddler to engage with someone on a screen, and insisting on this charade twice a day is ridiculous.

Does he see your son in person at all?

poppyzbrite4 · 23/09/2024 15:17

Why can't he see your toddler in person? Download a co parenting app to communicate with as it saves all communication (in case you need evidence) and arrange contact that works for you.

Tell him that you aren't going to use your child as a puppet and he can't perform on command, he has unrealistic expectations.

almaba · 23/09/2024 15:17

HowardTJMoon · 23/09/2024 14:55

He's being absolutely absurd. You can't force a toddler to engage with someone on a screen, and insisting on this charade twice a day is ridiculous.

Does he see your son in person at all?

I say the same but I get the blame for anything. He wouldn't let me hang up at one point till our son said love you and he would say it was me that wasn't being strict enough until I told him he www just upsetting him and his going to make the experience negative. He doesn't really he can't at the moment his off sorting his life out as his homeless and In debt so video calls until he decides he is stable enough. Two a day is a lot but i do it. However not being allowed toys or food to sit down with while he chats tv off all these things it's very draining

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HowardTJMoon · 23/09/2024 15:53

You might as well accept that no matter what you do, he's going to make stuff up in his head and then blame you for it. That doesn't mean that what he blames you for is appropriate, justified or right. Neither does it mean that you have to go along with his demands.

Two calls a day is too much. Demanding that your young son give your ex his full and undivided attention on a video call is completely unrealistic. Toddlers have very short attention spans. If your ex is unable to accept that then that your ex's problem to deal with, not yours and not your son's.

The next thing is how you should deal with your ex's tantrums. You are under no obligation to sit there and listen to your ex rant and rave. If it's not a productive and respectful conversation then put the phone down. You are allowed to do that. In fact I'd strongly recommend that any conversations you have with your ex regarding contact with your son be done in writing - email, text, whatsapp etc - rather than over the phone. That way you can keep a record and you can choose when to respond.

If he calls you up to whine about how he thinks contact should go, tell him to put it in writing and then put the phone down. Again - you are allowed to do this. You don't have to drop everything and respond to him just because he calls you. Anything that isn't about contact, your child's immediate well-being, or money should be recorded by you but otherwise ignored. Don't rise to the bait, don't get drawn into arguments, don't respond to insults. Keep it business-like, keep it all in writing, and keep it solely about contact and your child's best interests.

If he is genuinely unhappy and thinks you're being unfair then he can take you to court. But no court in the land is going to insist on two video calls a day. And, frankly, if he doesn't have the money to house himself he really doesn't have the money to take you to court.

ZzzzCravingMum · 24/09/2024 11:29

This isn't going to work for you or your child, especially as life gets busier.

Thankfully we were on 2 or 3 video chats a week n even that was tough. When she was younger it was easier to do the call when she was in the bath as she was "trapped"... She still played but would "chat" to him at the same time. I did buy a Facebook portal thing so the camera would follow her round the room while she played n he could talk to her, no TV but there's no way she would sit and have a conversation at 2. He also used to do a bedtime story on occasion, I got him a couple of the same books we had so I'd do the pages while he read to her. But you have to have 2 parents willing to put the effort in n that would mean he couldn't blame you, which is what he wants to do.

Shes older now and we're 1 or 2 calls a week, she's still not overly engaged n they can be painful at times, if they ask n she's tired or grumpy I tell them to ring another day. Hopefully he'll lose momentum soon n life will get a bit easier.

DeepRoseFish · 04/10/2024 03:28

Your ex sounds like a controlling bully and I'd get advice from womens aid if I were you

Jk987 · 04/10/2024 07:48

DeepRoseFish · 04/10/2024 03:28

Your ex sounds like a controlling bully and I'd get advice from womens aid if I were you

This. Your ex is totally clueless and thinking of his own needs not yours or the childs.

A toddler has their his own mind and won't say I love you on the phone unless he's feeling it at the time.

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