Struggling PP lone parent

[Cindy97]

I posted a few weeks ago about my SO leaving me whilst I was 8 months pregnant, well DD arrived 37+1 and we're 9 days into her being here now.
A bit of backstory, my waters were PPROM for 13 days before they called me in for induction, they said limited chance of DD requiring lung assistance so didn't give me steroid injections, said she'd be okay. Induction was backlogged so I eventually went into labour naturally, very quickly and DD shot out, possibly unable to empty her lungs of fluid adequately? Not sure, the DRs complicate things and my head is in the clouds.
DD couldn't maintain oxygen levels or temp, taken to the NICU 1 hour after birth, I'm a mess at this point, cannulas and tubes everywhere on DD, feeling so alone, guilty and helpless. Struggling PP, not knowing if she'd be okay.
DD then discharged, Midwife visited next day and said her breathing was recessive, admitted back to NICU for collapsed lung and infection.
We got home 3 days ago, DD seems okay but I'm on edge, don't want to sleep, can't remember the last time I ate,
My family are around and a big help, but I don't like relying on everyone and I'm repeatedly told "you have to get used to it at some point", struggling with knowing her dad is tucked up in bed somewhere at 3am whilst I'm settling our daughter, he still denies paternity and his mum is going to order a DNA test, she's on my side and has seen DD but the whole of that family are against me and DD, thinks his decision to be an absent father should be respected etc.
Mental I'm drained, crying all the time that I'm not good enough, wondering why I'm left alone to look after this darling little girl who has done no wrong. Am I enough for her? Why does he get to live life as usual, not having the worry of her in NICU, sobbing his heart out?
All bills are past due, declined maternity grant because I haven't received a UC payment yet. I'm brassic.
I'm trying my best to breastfeed but I'm out everyday just trying to get outside, it feels less lonely out there and I'm distracted. I can't pump 2 hourly out the house, it ends up being once a day and I feel guilty that I'm not doing all I can for my daughter.
My skin doesnt feel real from the weight I've lost, my self care in the form of eating and drinking has taken a fall, I have a few biscuits a days to make sure I don't faint.
I'm a shell, DD doesn't sleep at night, I'm exhausted. These are definitely the newborn trenches.
I'm not sure what I'm asking.
Does it ever get better? Has anyone been in the same boat? I've looked for local support groups for single parents but there's nothing around.

Aw sweetheart have a hug from me. You’ve been through the mill and had to deal with your sweet baby being ill, and you’re exhausted physically and mentally.

Comments like “you have to get used to it” are very insensitive. But are you needing some support to process the trauma you’ve been through? I think you can ask for a counselling session to help you understand what was happening. I’m sure someone will more up-to-date info will come on and point you in the right direction.

Take a big deep breath.

Tell yourself repeatedly I am enough for my daughter - positive affirmations really help

Please eat and drink. Do you have enough money for food? If not please speak to your GP or HV. Just keep it very simple but don’t skip meals. Cereal for breakfast, toast for lunch and a ready meal for tea. Keep drinking glasses of water throughout the day.

Then take it one day at a time. Forget what your ex partner is doing/how they are spending their time. They are losing out not you.

Hi Cindy97
Yes it does get better. Yes, I have been in a similar boat. My DD's Dad bailed during pregnancy. I had my DD with an emergency ceasarian. She was in ICU the first night.

You need to be really gentle with yourself, because there is so much to process - the break up with your ex, the injustice of being the one to carry all the responsibility, your own recovery from birth and whay might feel like the fragility of your DDs health.
If I could go back in time, I would be more kind and gentle with myself.

On one hand, that comment of 'better get used to it' may seem true, but it is not. It is far too soon for that . You need all the support you can get to manage what you are in. And you are absolutely entitled to that support. Whether it's from friends, family, a charity, or through your GP such as counselling. The next however many months will entail sleep deprivation if DD doesnt sleep through the night so a support network (like a parent giving you the chance to have a lie in) will be important.

It might seem hard - that you end up with the responsibility and he seems scott free - but the good news is, you are in control of everything- where you live, your finances etc, all of it. Embrace that and give you and your DD the happiest life you can.

Frolo app is for local and regional single / lone parents. I don't know if Homestart still exists (a charity). Might be worth trying to get some counselling through your GP to help process everything xx

Ps you might also want to get some advice from the Child Maintenance Service on how to handle disputes over parentage. Personally, I've found them helpful and understanding.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Try to eat its very important and sleep when baby sleeps but I would also speak to your HV about help with your mental health.
I was on my own and it's incredibly difficult at first but does get better after the first 6 months.