Feeling really alone

[QuaintCrow]

I'm a 23 year old single mum of an 8 year old with complex disabilities. I'm his main carer and due to his disabilities he needs to be home schooled (I've never been comfortable with the idea of respite so please don't suggest this!)

I moved away from my family over 6 months ago as the situation was toxic. I haven't had friends since dropping out of college to care for my son. I know no one in my new area. I'm completely isolated and due to my responsibilities as a carer I have no time or opportunities to meet people. My son hates groups so attending events or groups for disabled children isn't an option. I've had short lived meaningless relationships over the past few years but found that men don't want to commit nowadays especially to someone in my situation.

I'm also 6 weeks pregnant and the father is one of the men mentioned above. He's chosen not to be involved.

I have no idea what to do in my situation. I spend every day with my son mostly in the house (it's hard to go on days out or even go for a walk without another person to help) and every night just cleaning the house and watching TV. I get one weekend a month where my son is with his dad but he lives 150 miles away so I have to stay local to him when he is there.

I've considered moving back to my hometown but I had no friends there either and my family are not supportive at all. I repeatedly tried to communicate how I felt and how hard it is to be so socially isolated, their only response was that this was what happens when you have a child. They never watched him or helped out unless I was just popping to the shop.

I have no idea what to do. I feel alone all day every day. My son is non verbal so for weeks at a time I don't even hear another voice other than my own. When things get tough I have no one to talk to about it. When something good happens I have no one to tell. I've told nobody that I'm expecting because I know they'll be angry.

I try to keep myself busy with my son but at his age, despite being wheelchair bound and non verbal, he is becoming more independent and chooses to spend more time alone.

I've tried all kinds of hobbies but they only hold my attention for a short time and don't help with the feeling that I need social interaction

Rally sorry to hear this.

Contact your local council, libraries, check Facebook groups to find out about home schooling or disability groups that meet up during the week for outings/classes etc. (I know you’ve said your son doesn’t enjoy them but with time and routine he may grow to like them and it’s also an outlet for you)

Kindly, do you think going through with this new pregnancy is the best option for you and your situation right now? With the Dad not in the picture and also not being a great person and the stress and struggles you’re already facing, it’s something to seriously think about.

Do you have any help from social care? Our local specialist school does outreach for severe & complex children at home. Is there anything like this where you are?

Your son needs social interaction too so you probably need to persevere with groups otherwise he’s also very isolated. Does he mix with other children his own age at all?

Goodness - what a strong person you must be to be dealing with so much, so young, alone. It's really great that you've posted on here now - asking for ideas as anyone in your situation would need support.

Other people will come along with other suggestions I'm sure but, for now, I'd say please reach out to the organisation Homestart. When I first had my twins, they were brilliant at connecting me with a lovely, fully-checked out volunteer who came into our home once a week or accompanied me to appointments etc - providing whatever practical support I needed at the time, plus just friendly chats so I never felt isolated.

I'm sure Homestart would also be great at connecting you to other services who might be able to give you and your boy the support you deserve.

Please keep posting on Mumsnet when needed - you need never feel isolated.

Gosh OP what a lot to deal with. You must be very strong, that child is lucky to have you. I too wonder if a new unplanned baby added here is going to help either of you though.
can you say in the country where you are so we can get our thinking caps on about local support you might be able to access? I'm sure you've looked but sometimes it's like woods and trees etc when you are so hectic

Hi,

Thank you all for your replies. I thought it'd be easier to reply all together as the questions and suggestions are all similar.

Before moving to Yorkshire (originally lived in Wales) we did have "help" from social care but found that they offered nothing that would be beneficial, and mostly just pushed respite as a solution.

I have been considering what to do about the pregnancy as even the physical strain whilst pregnant would be a lot (I do a lot of carrying of my son). I suffered a miscarriage in July. I have always wanted more children but I don't think any time will be a good time (my son will need me for his entire life) and the men that are similar to my age are not looking to be step dads (which is understandable).

He has cousins on his dad's side that are all a similar age to him and he sees them the entire time he's at his dad's. I have a good relationship with his father but he works full time and can't help out any more than he already does.

We have attended groups before but he just wanted to leave and kept trying to, and I found that I couldn't relate to any of the parents due to an age gap and most were still with the father

Have you tried Gingerbread? They have support groups for lone parents. What about an organisation associated with your son's disability? Any local support groups?

Can your son join any clubs like swimming? Exercise might be helpful and there will be other parents there.

Are you going to be able to look after a small baby and your son alone?