Does anyone else have endless anxiety

[chocolate123chip]

Please be kind in your replies. This is hard for me to talk about and I don't really have any people in my life who are in a similar position to be able to relate and talk to.

Single mum, 2 children under the age of 9.
And my my XH split before youngest was born. He walked out on me, with no warning.

He was absolutely vile after the split. Threatened to take them off me when he didn't get his way. This did settle down but I've never got over the fear that he could just decide one day to take them and I'd have no say.

They live with me mainly, although they do have an over night with him. They seem happy about him I guess.

He has always been a bit lacking effort wise. One minute he'll be full on, OTT. The next he'll be forgetting patenting evening or swapping his days or just not bothering with them. I never know where I stand with him and I never know what's coming next.

We live completely separate live, and frankly the less I have to hear or speak to him the better! He is a major trigger for the anxiety which is rooted from the trauma he caused me.

But I can't shake this day to day anxiety that, any day, he could just turn round and say he wants 50/50... or worse. He has a fiancé whole is involved. I've never met her, but she seems nice from what I've heard. Now the children are older and she's helping on his side things seem a lot easier and more accessible for him. What if now it's easier he'll just take them and have her do school runs etc?

I've had counciling twice, cbt therapy 3 times and also edmr therapy for ptsd caused by him. Therapy is amazing but the effects seem to go away after a few months. It's like I need someone to constantly check in with monthly 🙈

I love my children so much. I'm such a dedicated mum. I gave birth to my youngest best in my own, sat with her in intensive care on my own and took her home and brought her up with her brother, on my own. They are my pride and joy and bring me sooo much happiness and love. But this anxiety is stealing me of my presence. I don't talk to them or seeking reassurance from them about this. It just pains me constantly that that man could one day just decide to take them away.

Has anyone been here and felt this way? How do I get better :(

You need counselling to help you get better

You sound like such a lovely mum and a really strong person who has managed to bring up her children safe and well while coping with a difficult situation. Your ex partner can't just take your kids away from you. It sounds like he made that threat not long after leaving and that a number of years have passed since then. I know the fear still feel real but the likelihood and risk of that actually happening is not. Seek help for your ptsd and anxiety again as it sounds like that was really helpful.

I agree with you OP, counselling and therapy only take you so far. Looking at the root of the cause, you could go and talk to a solicitor and clarify your rights. That might reassure you he cant just take your kids away when you have been such a fab mother.

OP, you've been through it. It's not surprising you have anxiety. Your nervous system must be fried.

He sounds like a prick.

I doubt a court would hand over significantly more custody to a dad who has shown such a patchy interest in his own children. Youre their consistency. Their safe place. The one who has been there for them.

Try some breathing exercises. Maybe meet with a lawyer for reassurance?

Remember that they'll see it all clearly for themselves one day.

OP I worry about this too, constantly but I know even if he did get 50/50 it wouldn't last long. If he has put very little effort in so far I doubt he's going to upend his cushy little deal to take on more responsibility.

His fiance will also not be used to 50/50 and although it seems like a good idea the reality is very different. I've soothed myself in the knowledge that even if he did request this he'd soon backtrack and the kids would finally appreciate how good they have it with me!

I know it's hard but try and reframe it!

You sound like an amazing Mum! He will know he's got control over you. My ex is the same. Please contact your GP, or Mind. Even if you have monthly check ins just to offload, that may help.

Hey lovely. I lived in fear of this for ages too. It was explained to me several times by several different counsellors and friends who are social workers that Dad's can't just get more custody because they want to one day. It's more complicated than that and extremely unlikely if you have been the default parent/main home base for your children. As others have said it's terrifying but almost certainly not going to happen. It's just anxiety spiralling during a stress time. Totally understandably x