Ex wants to split 2 y/o between 2 nurseries

[Newmama2222]

Hi all!

My ex partner initially showed no interest in shared care for our DD and I’ve looked after her with him seeing her once every 2 weeks. Recently he’s been getting angry about CMS and blowing up about having to give me money and not seeing where it’s spent each month. He’s now said he wants to split care of our DD 50/50 and her go to her current nursery near me for one week and one near him (about an hour drive away) the next week, then keep alternating. DD has just turned 2 and has never been with him or away from me more than 2 nights. Am I being overprotective and biased to decline this? He’s telling me I am being selfish when I say I think it’s too soon.

I can’t help but feel it’s born out of his anger around CMS and I can’t see this being great for her at such a young age. Also still BF so that would put a stop to that too.

Would really appreciate opinions and thoughts!

No nursery is going to charge or allow alternate week attendance so you’d both end up paying for 2 full time nursery places for one child which is madness.

While it’s possible to have dd at 2 different nurseries (say Mon/Tue at Nursery 1 and Wed/Thur/Fri at nursery 2) you can’t do that with schools and it creates the argument of where dd goes to school. In the case above, dd would go to a school near parent 2 because who has more weekdays would be the tie breaker.

He’s not considered the hidden costs of being resident or 50/50 parent. No overnight work travel, declining promotions so you can pick up and drop off at nursery, working part-time or condensed hours so less income etc)

Does his child maintenance even cover 50% of nursery fees? I wonder if he’s fallen for the government/media spin of free hours at nursery which are really subsidised hours at nursery.

You have hit the nail on the head @SonicTheHodgeheg. He’s got especially angry since her second birthday and I think hearing all the government funding info but not understanding it was an initial trigger. He’s extremely work driven and works with the US so I’ve said to him many times that’ll impact his ability to take calls in the evening. He’s never full time parented so hasn’t got a clue. He had the nerve to tell me if he struggled he’d just get a nanny, so it’s not so much the money for him, it’s more the fact that he’s giving it to me and therefore hasn’t got control over how it’s spent / control generally!

This is really helpful intel about school too, thank you.

Tbh I am really really not keen on the idea and he’s been trying to coerce me into moving near to him to make this work better but then refuses to move close to us because it’s inconvenient for his work.

But also from my PoV 2 years old feels very young to be splitting 50/50. I know all families are different but I would have thought school age would feel like a better time than now, and that’s only if we were living in the same area!?

No you're right, that is too much upheaval for any child to deal with. She needs to go to the same nursery/ school on a weekly basis. And that she is still breastfeeding is important. You can't just stop it for him, and he should understand that. You sound like a good mother, have confidence in yourself

Are you able to survive financially without the child support?

Why should she. Are you able to take him to court? He obviously doesn't have your child's best interest at heart of he's happy to create so much upheaval every week for a 2 year old

He sounds like a fool and a mean one. Such a young child being divided between nurseries etc is ridiculous. Whatever you do, it should be for her benefit and your ex is clearly not taking her into account.

Exactly, dealing with two different environments would be too much.
As pp said no nursery is going to do alternative weeks.
He's an idiot.

He doesn’t have your child’s best interests at heart, he just doesn’t want to give YOU any money, even though this is his money iscfor his child’s upkeep🙄. Don’t do it. Stick to your guns, you are doing what’s right for her. You might want to consider going through the Child Maintenance Service, so he can’t try and blackmail you to get what he wants.

Let him take you to court- what huge would agree to this?

This is just a thought - would it be worth discussing him paying for nursery directly? Invoiced, so he is aware of the costs, and can't complain about "not seeing" where the money is spent?
Obviously if nursery costs are less than CMS this may not be viable at all but thought may be worth a try.