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Original poster

Daughter doesn’t want to go to dads for Christmas

32 replies

Crocamoc · 04/09/2024 23:43

My DD doesn’t want to go to her dad’s for Christmas. She is 10, and up until 2020 he never had her on Christmas Day due to personal issues that he finds hard to manage around Christmas time. He last had her Christmas 2022 and she was desperate not to go. She cried every single day in December and couldn’t enjoy anything we planned. She begged me not to make her go, it was absolutely heartbreaking, but I felt it was important for her to have time with him and make Christmas memories with him too, and I also knew he would be really horrible to her if he knew she didn’t want to go so I said she had stick to the plan which I now really regret. I tried telling him she was upset and asked if he could tell me what nice stuff he had planned so I could talk to her and get excited with her about it, I tried suggesting alternatives like me driving her to his on Christmas Day afternoon but he refused to even discuss any of it. When she came home on Boxing Day she was incredibly upset and said her had shouted at her and made her cry in the morning, then slept all day while she sat in a room on her own playing on the iPad by herself for hours. It’s her turn to go again this year and she’s already started crying and asking not to go. I don’t know what to do. She has half siblings who will stay at home with me and there are no other children at her dads so I think that plays a big part in it. I know he will react incredibly badly if she doesn’t go and will be nasty to me and her, I also understand it is his year to have her and he has a right to see her at Christmas but I feel deeply uncomfortable causing her so much distress at what should be a happy time of year, especially after the way he behaved last time he has her. Does anyone have any advice or had to navigate something similar?

OP posts:
Original poster
Crocamoc · 21/09/2024 18:08

@Singleandproud thank you so much for this. That sounds lovely!! Unfortunately I don’t think financially we could afford going away, and I do have family and older children who we will be seeing. I’m going to speak to her when she gets home tomorrow and then tell her dad that I’ve decided she won’t be coming. Wish me luck!!

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 21/09/2024 18:08

I don't think you are doing things wrong, it's important to hear her thoughts but you have the deciding vote. You have years of life experience and and see the situation not through the rose tinted glasses of innocence and wanting to please daddy

Sunnyplain · 21/09/2024 18:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ThisBlueCrab · 21/09/2024 18:35

Crocamoc · 21/09/2024 18:05

@lunar1 @Tel12 its really interesting what you are saying and not something I had thought about but perhaps I should have done. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting her make her own choices and saying I would support her, but I think you’re right in that by doing that I’ve made her shoulder a responsibility that was never hers to shoulder. It’s so hard, I really do try to do the right thing and protect her, but so often seem to get it completely wrong

Oh sweetie don't look at it like that!!!

There is no guide book for parenting. We ALL make mistakes. We all try and get it right, but we don't always. And do you know what, it's not a bad thing. We learn best from our mistakes. And it is good for kids to see that grown ups mess up too. It stops them being so scared of getting things wrong.

I have had 13 years of navigating separated family life. First off with my ex and dsc and then with ex, dsc and our shared dd. Ex can be a tosser, he has a fundamental inability to adult which is about 98.8% of why our relationship failed. But outside of that pur relationship was good. I just got fed up of carrying all the mental load for both families and his lack of effort. Essentially we became friends who lived in the same house, had a kid together and helped in raising his older 2 with his ex. Because of that pur ability to coparent has been far easier than others have it. That is pure fluke and nothing to do with anything I have down right (or wrong).

Experience counts for a lot. And honestly I wouldn't have done as well as I have without some of the amazingly supportive ladies on MN.

As long as your decisions are made with dds best interests at heart you will never be wrong!!!

lunar1 · 21/09/2024 19:52

Crocamoc · 21/09/2024 18:05

@lunar1 @Tel12 its really interesting what you are saying and not something I had thought about but perhaps I should have done. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting her make her own choices and saying I would support her, but I think you’re right in that by doing that I’ve made her shoulder a responsibility that was never hers to shoulder. It’s so hard, I really do try to do the right thing and protect her, but so often seem to get it completely wrong

We all make choices as parents that in retrospect we'd do differently in hindsight. You can and are doing things differently this time, don't beat yourself up.

Goldbar · 21/09/2024 20:20

I would tell him that, due to his lack of effort, she had a shit Christmas with him last time and you're not sending her to his to have a shit Christmas again.

WaitingForMojo · 21/09/2024 20:26

ThisBlueCrab · 21/09/2024 11:21

I think on this one you might need to position yourself as the bad guy for dds sake.

I would simply tell her dad that given the upset of last time you have decided that it needs to wait til she is older. I would maybe offer for him to come for present opening in the morning g if you have a reasonable relationship

I think this too. I think you should also take the responsibility off her shoulders and tell her too that YOU have decided she isn’t going.

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