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Original poster

Daughter doesn’t want to go to dads for Christmas

32 replies

Crocamoc · 04/09/2024 23:43

My DD doesn’t want to go to her dad’s for Christmas. She is 10, and up until 2020 he never had her on Christmas Day due to personal issues that he finds hard to manage around Christmas time. He last had her Christmas 2022 and she was desperate not to go. She cried every single day in December and couldn’t enjoy anything we planned. She begged me not to make her go, it was absolutely heartbreaking, but I felt it was important for her to have time with him and make Christmas memories with him too, and I also knew he would be really horrible to her if he knew she didn’t want to go so I said she had stick to the plan which I now really regret. I tried telling him she was upset and asked if he could tell me what nice stuff he had planned so I could talk to her and get excited with her about it, I tried suggesting alternatives like me driving her to his on Christmas Day afternoon but he refused to even discuss any of it. When she came home on Boxing Day she was incredibly upset and said her had shouted at her and made her cry in the morning, then slept all day while she sat in a room on her own playing on the iPad by herself for hours. It’s her turn to go again this year and she’s already started crying and asking not to go. I don’t know what to do. She has half siblings who will stay at home with me and there are no other children at her dads so I think that plays a big part in it. I know he will react incredibly badly if she doesn’t go and will be nasty to me and her, I also understand it is his year to have her and he has a right to see her at Christmas but I feel deeply uncomfortable causing her so much distress at what should be a happy time of year, especially after the way he behaved last time he has her. Does anyone have any advice or had to navigate something similar?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2024 23:50

Advocate for your child, op. Tell him now she will not be staying with him for Christmas, and it's due to the horrible experience she had the last time.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 04/09/2024 23:51

Tell him no way. Don't do it to her. She shouldn't have to suffer for his 'right' to see her - he actually has no rights, she has the right to a relationship with him and this is damaging for that relationship.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 04/09/2024 23:53

Don't send her. She can go a couple of days later & have a second Christmas day then (if her dad will make the effort).

Takes the pressure off actual Christmas day and she still gets to spend time with her dad.

Original poster

Crocamoc · 05/09/2024 00:04

Thanks everyone, that’s my feeling as well. I feel incredibly guilty for making her go 2 years ago because she had a horrible December and I wish I’d advocated for her, taken that dread and pressure away and told her she didn’t need to go. I just worry about the amount of emotional blackmail him and his family will push on her every time she sees them once they find out, but I know I need to tell him sooner rather than later. I probably should have said it as soon as she came home from his after the last Christmas she spent there. She’s already been sobbing and saying she doesn’t want to go this year but she also feels guilty for not spending it with him. I really appreciate all your replies!!

OP posts:

amothersinstinct · 21/09/2024 05:10

No way would i be sending her. The whole "I felt it was important for her to have time with him" i don't agree with at all. That's what you thought was best - this isn't about you it's about her and age 8 or 10 as she is now she is old enough to say she doesn't want to go and she shouldn't be forced to

BeerForMyHorses · 21/09/2024 05:13

I've been there.
Do you have a court order ordering every other Xmas, or is it an informal arrangement?

PolePrince55 · 21/09/2024 05:21

If it were me I most certainly would not be sending my child.
I'm unsure why you did this ....

Original poster

Crocamoc · 21/09/2024 10:09

@amothersinstinct @PolePrince55 completely agree with you that she shouldn’t be forced. Since my original post I have told her she doesn’t have to go and I will support her whatever she decides, but she is now really worried about upsetting her dad and making him sad so it’s not totally black and white. I’ve said she isn’t responsible for grown ups emotions. I just want to do what’s best for her. I did feel last year that cancelling his Christmas with her 3 weeks before the day was unfair, I also was very worried about how he would react to her if she didn’t go and I thought I was protecting her. And in all honesty I was scared of him. It was a very abusive relationship and now I’ve spent a long time reflecting I can see that I allowed my fear of how he would react, impact my actions and that wasn’t fair on my daughter. I also had some bad advice from friends that I trusted who said I should stick to the planned agreement. I can see I absolutely should not have made her go.
@BeerForMyHorses there’s no court order. It’s an informal arrangement that only began over Covid really. It’s so hard because he’s such an incredibly volatile person and he will put her through intense emotional blackmail if she decides not to go. He will also make our lives completely miserable which will impact on my other children as well. I know I just have to stand up to him and I do feel I’m much stronger this year.

OP posts:

Wishimaywishimight · 21/09/2024 10:18

You are going to ruin her memories of Christmas if you keep forcing these Christmas visits upon her. The poor girl needs you to stand up for her. Show her that her happiness is more important to you than his "rights".

Tell her today she can spend Christmas with you if that's what makes her happy. Let her relax and enjoy the run up to Christmas without this worry hanging over her.

ThisBlueCrab · 21/09/2024 10:25

@Crocamoc what you have tried to do is amazing and hard. But she is 10 and she knows her own mind. If she doesn't want to go she needs you to be her advocate and stand up to her dad.

Dd's dad and I have always alternated Christmas, so I do get why you tried but nothing is worth ruining Christmas for her!!

Original poster

Crocamoc · 21/09/2024 10:52

@Wishimaywishimight Since my original post I have already told my daughter she doesn’t have to go, but the problem is she is worried about upsetting her dad. I have told her she isn’t responsible for adults emotions and I will support her whatever decision she makes but I think she feels worried either way which is heartbreaking.

@ThisBlueCrab Thank you so much for your supportive message, it really means a lot

OP posts:

Lolapusht · 21/09/2024 10:56

Sounds like you’ve come out of a very abusive relationship. The time that you spent with him will have programmed you to change your behaviour to keep the peace. You will have been constantly in fight/flight mode which is exhausting. That programming doesn’t go away just because you split up. Every time he uses a particular tone, or looks a certain way a switch will flick and you will be right back in fight/flight because you’ve been put back in a “survival” situation. You’re used to doing anything he wants to avoid the abuse.

Have you had any counselling or done the Freedom Programme? You can deprogramme from abusive relationships which will help you deal with things in a more neutral way.

The Christmas your daughter spent with her dad sounds horrendous! What the hell happened to him that he thought that was an appropriate way to treat his daughter?? Think about what you do for Christmas compared to what he did. His insistence that she go to his for Christmas despite his “personal issue” is a control thing and has absolutely nothing to do with what is best for your DD.

Does he live far away? Could you say you’ll drop her off for part of the day? If she has to endure another Christmas with him, she’s going to be permanently effected by it and I don’t think he has the right to basically destroy Christmas for her just because it was ruined for him.

She’s getting to the age where a court will listen to what she wants. Offer him some time on Christmas but protect your daughter. If he wants something more he can take you to court (document everything you offer him etc). If he starts harassing you get a non-mol. Speak to a women’s aid charity and find out how to protect yourself and your DD.

Good luck x

Lolapusht · 21/09/2024 11:00

…and…DD is already showing signs of submitting to abusive Ex. She’s learning to ignore her feelings to placate someone else and prevent the aggression.

If she has witnessed his abuse then she will need to unlearn things to.

You don’t need to be perfect in how you deal with this. Have an honest conversation with her about how difficult you find it but are working things out because you know how he makes you feel is not right.

notnorman · 21/09/2024 11:01

PolePrince55 · 21/09/2024 05:21

If it were me I most certainly would not be sending my child.
I'm unsure why you did this ....

It's not that simple when you are in the middle of it all.
Been there got the t shirt.

Singleandproud · 21/09/2024 11:02

If there's no court order and he is a very volatile man and she doesn't want to go. Just stop contact.

If he decides to take you to court you get the words "Make DD available at X,Y time" that way you keep the time free but if she doesn't want to go she doesn't have to. By the time it gets to court she'll be older and her views will count more anyway.

He can't make yours and her life difficult, switch phone numbers and lockdown her and your social media so he and his family can't get in contact. If he turns up at your door, don't open it and you talk through it and tell him to leave and if he doesn't you call the police (advice given to me by a police officer)

I would also inform school if they don't already know, the may be able to get her a session with the school counsellor or group therapists that come into support children of DV.

Spenditlikebeckham · 21/09/2024 11:09

Help dd make a nice card for her df... Tell her she doesn't have to go. Tell him the day before Christmas..

ThisBlueCrab · 21/09/2024 11:21

I think on this one you might need to position yourself as the bad guy for dds sake.

I would simply tell her dad that given the upset of last time you have decided that it needs to wait til she is older. I would maybe offer for him to come for present opening in the morning g if you have a reasonable relationship

Original poster

Crocamoc · 21/09/2024 15:31

@Lolapusht thank you so so much for your message. I actually felt emotional reading it because no one ever really sees me the way you just have. You described it so perfectly. I suggested that we do part of the day each last time he had her, because DD said she would be happy to go as long as she could have Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at home but he refused. At the time we were living 15 minutes apart. Like you said, it’s a control thing and he doesn’t actually care about DD, just about what he wants. I do go to counselling and I think that’s why I feel stronger this year. I think I’m right in saying the courts won’t get involved just about Christmas but I’m not sure. I just worry so much about how he’ll treat her once he knows.

@Singleandproud Thank you so much. This is so reassuring and helpful. DD is currently having weekly counselling sessions through MIND, and a lot of stuff about her dad has come up in those but I will speak to school as well as you’re right there could be more support there for her.

@Spenditlikebeckham this is the debate I keep having in my head. Do I give him advance warning as that feels more “fair” but then he has more time to kick off and subject DD to emotional blackmail or do I give no warning and deal with the backlash after Christmas?

@ThisBlueCrab I think you’re right. If I can take the flack for it, it will protect DD and he can blame me. We don’t have the sort of relationship where he could come in the morning unfortunately and I know my other children would be very upset by him being here

OP posts:

MsKatia · 21/09/2024 15:38

I have no additional advice, the wise MNetters have said it all, but I want to add my support to saying she won't go. He's choosing his reactions, eventually she'll likely choose not to see him at all. Good luck OP, I know it's not easy.

lunar1 · 21/09/2024 15:57

Nobody is a greater people pleaser than the child of separated parents. Tell your daughter she won't be going there and it's your decision not hers. You know what she wants and you know it's the right choice, so take the responsibility of the decision away from her.

Taking adult responsibility and mind games away from her is the best parenting decision you could make for her.

pinkroses79 · 21/09/2024 16:03

I would not send her. Christmas should be special for her, not something she has to endure. Just refuse on the grounds that she is really upset about it and had a horrible time last time. Negotiate another day in the holidays that she can see him instead, not any of the main Christmas days.

ThisBlueCrab · 21/09/2024 16:05

@Crocamoc that's a shame, but he has made his bed and he needs to accept that he is the adult and the priority kn all of this is your dds health and wellbeing.

I am a massive advocate for balanced contact and not being rigid as well as trying to keep things "family" orientated for the kids when relationships allow. But I also know my situation is unique and it is not always suitable.

Your priority it to keep your dd safe and happy, you cam make her available later in the day if she is happy for that and then the ball is in his court.

Singleandproud · 21/09/2024 17:46

I wouldn't suggest splitting the day or having him at yours none of you will be able to relax.

DDs dad and I always did Christmas eve noon-boxing day noon so DD wasn't dragged from one place to another. Christmas (and contact) is for the child, so do what makes her happiest.

I'd book us into a hotel / premier Inn somewhere if I didn't have family to go to where you can both relax and have Christmas away. You can take the presents and a little tree in a pot from a supermarket, some fairy lights and some lovely snacks and just chill together and watch TV and play with her toys.

Tel12 · 21/09/2024 17:54

Make the decision for her. Thus is too much to be in her shoulders. In fact cut contact. Stand up to him.

Original poster

Crocamoc · 21/09/2024 18:05

@lunar1 @Tel12 its really interesting what you are saying and not something I had thought about but perhaps I should have done. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting her make her own choices and saying I would support her, but I think you’re right in that by doing that I’ve made her shoulder a responsibility that was never hers to shoulder. It’s so hard, I really do try to do the right thing and protect her, but so often seem to get it completely wrong

OP posts:

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