I'm having one of 'those' nights. DS 2 has been attached to me all day which has genuinely been fine. I managed my expectations and got through the day no problem. He was tired by bedtime, did his normal routine at the normal time and he went down to sleep like a wee dream at 7.30. Or so I thought. 40 minutes later (coincidentally the exact same time as I plated up my dinner) he woke up squealing. Went back up to settle him and just failed miserably. Tried everything from water to capol to nappy change to holding him quietly to whispering to him. Eventually ended up bringing him downstairs so I could reheat my food and eat something. Then brought him back up to try again. 11.20 and he has just now gone back down. We've both been in tears. I feel totally overwhelmed and really resentful that I've lost the only couple of hours that I get to myself in a day. Then feeling really guilty that I feel that way because he's generally such an easy going child and I'm so lucky to have him.
I just really struggle in these nights that I've been left to do this all on my own. Stbxh made a series of incredibly selfish and harmful choices and now has no contact with ds at all. I feel like I've been tricked into a life I didn't ever ask for. I had no idea he was leading a secret life and I honestly believed that I'd only end up lone parenting because something tragic had happened that was out of his control. But no, he actively made this happen to me. I find it so hard knowing that I'm exhausted, that I need to go to bed at a reasonable time because I have a long commute to work so need to be up so early to get ds to nursery and myself in to work on time, that I need to shower before I can go to bed because mornings are too much of a rush, that I still need to finish the dishes/ brush and mop the floor/ clean down ds highchair/ take the bins out for binday/ tidy away all his toys/ stick a load of washing on just so that I can keep reasonably on top of everything so I don't feel completely overwhelmed by the housework. Knowing I can't get him to sleep and all of that is still waiting on me makes me so frustrated I could smack my head off a wall or scream or something. But instead I do deep breaths and try to pace myself and remember that tomorrow will be a new day so I'm doing what ds needs me to do but internally I'm losing my shit. I don't even feel like i have the option of leaving it for tomorrow because the nature of what stbxh has done means SS are involved so I don't feel like I could take the chance of the house not being clean incase that is the day they decide to call out. What do others do on these nights where it just feels never ending and there's no-one to tap in for a bit? Sorry this has turned into a total rant. Thank you for reading.