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How to get XH to see child more often

12 replies

janiejonstone · 26/08/2024 01:02

I'm in the process of getting divorced and finding it infuriatingly hard to get my stbxh to talk about when he will see our DD (age 6). I'd assumed at the beginning that we'd start with 50:50 as the discussion point and then figure out what works best. But it's become clear over the past few months that his ideal is to see her once a week (with no overnights) and he apparently can't commit to a regular pattern. (This is utter tosh - he could easily choose to do so.) He keeps using the term 'co-parenting' and I finally made him acknowledge this evening that he doesn't want to do that, he's fine with me being a lone parent.

It's obvs really difficult logistically for me to have no cover during the week. But mostly I'm so heartbroken for my daughter; she doesn't know yet that we've split up and she adores him. He's always been very involved up to this point and they have a very sweet, affectionate and close relationship. I feel like I'm in a race against time to make him see what he's risking but withdrawing from her life. And I'm furious that he's decided to ditch his responsibility to her, and the rest of us are left to pick up the pieces.

Does anyone have experience of a partner who wanted to run away like this, but was convinced to put the effort in?

OP posts:
MooseBeTimeForSnow · 26/08/2024 01:19

You can’t force him and a Court won’t force him.

Flatandhappy · 26/08/2024 01:20

Having worked as a family law mediator for many years the short answer is no, you can’t force someone to spend more time with their child if they don’t want to. Even a Court Order won’t make this happen, you will just drive yourself nuts. It is truly horrible and I despise the many, many men who are happy to walk away from their children and their responsibilities. It was one of the reasons I had to stop in the end, it’s very difficult to be neutral and impartial when you are dealing with wankers.

Clumsy12345 · 26/08/2024 01:38

Agree with the others, split with my ex 7 years ago he has never once had our children overnight in that time (apparently I’m lucky he hasn’t 😒) no way to force it my ex was also happy to leave me as the main parent.

Biggaybear · 26/08/2024 01:38

If, as you say, he has been very involved up to now, and they have a sweet & affectionate relationship then why do you think he has changed ? He is trying to punish you. Who instigated the divorce...him or you ? If him, has he met someone else & your DD will get in the way? People dont suddenly change.

CheekyHobson · 26/08/2024 02:19

As @Biggaybear said, it seems bizarre that he's gone from involved to wanting minimal contact. Your ability to influence him to change his approach probably hinges on understanding what's going on here and trying to appeal to his better nature.

At the end of the day though, you can't force him to change. Some men shift their perspective on what their role as a parent is when they get divorced.

My ex merrily talks about how well we co-parent and loves to make people think he's a hands-on dad, when the reality is that I do the majority of direct care (75/25 rather than 50./50) and absolutely all of the organisational management, emotional support, financial management etc that relates to the children. I don't bother to pull him up on this, because in my experience when he is made to feel bad about himself (even when he should feel bad!) he responds by disengaging further and finding ways to use the kids to passive-aggressively punish me.

Focus more energy on establishing systems that allow you to function with a minimum of assistance from him rather than trying to get him to change his mind.

MillyMollyMandHey · 26/08/2024 03:45

50/50 will only be awarded if the other parent wants it. No one will force him to have his DC.

MumChp · 26/08/2024 03:50

Forget about his engagement. Make sure he pays to his child.

queenprincess · 26/08/2024 03:54

sounds like it will be easier if you just accept you're going to be a mostly fully lone parent. that will make life a lot easier once you just lean into it. provided he's paying it will be easier than trying to change him or the situation. look at the positive - you get to make choices for your kid and for you, without interference. and spend more time with your kid!

CheekyHobson · 26/08/2024 04:22

you get to make choices for your kid and for you, without interference. and spend more time with your kid!

What @queenprincess says is actually so true. There is a huge amount of freedom in getting to run things your own way as a parent, and I can't tell you the number of times I've been having fun with my children and thought, "Wow, it really is his loss to choose not to spend as much time as he can with these amazing kids."

Toomanysquishmallows · 26/08/2024 07:03

Unfortunately, you can’t force a parent to be involved with a child , my ex hasn’t seen dd for 20 years!

SheilaFentiman · 26/08/2024 07:22

I think you know that it can’t be forced but are looking for ways to help him see straight, for the sake of your DD as much as anything.

Does he think he’s a good dad? Would pointing out to him that having her once a week and never overnight is more like an “involved uncle” or “godparent” level of contact.

Have you asked him how he will explain his virtual disappearance to DD?

Starlightstarbright3 · 26/08/2024 17:55

One thing I learnt as a single parent, was I wasn’t able to make Ds’s dad the dad he deserves.

I think sometimes men enjoy the chase- just say ok claim cms for no overnights .. let him know discussions about change are fine but it’s up to him to come to you . Then plan childcare accordingly

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