I need to talk to someone, my head is all over the place

[LoneLou]

Hello everyone, I've been on here a few months ago about my X leaving me (jan 1st 2008)and how I became a single parent, things with X at the start of the split were quite argumentative shall I say, then we both kind of chilled out about things and both kinda got on with our lives and ds was happy living with me and seeing his dad whenever he wanted to. But now, today in fact X has told me he wants us to start again, the first reaction from my mum and sister was 'oh know dont you dare have him back' but my heart is screaming out for him and my head, maybe coz of mum and sister, is saying no dont have him back. I really dont know what to do? there is obviously a big trust issue now he cheated on me. oh god I really dont know what to do? ds kept saying recently how he thought mummy and daddy were back together since we've been talking quite alot recently, I think he would be very happy, he seemed to be going off the other woman in fact, she was pinching his daddy away.
BUT and here comes the big but the other woman is pregnant shes 11 weeks gone, she is over the moon but he doesn't want it, he says he's feeling trapped, which is what I said would happen. This relationship started from the minute he walked out so its only been going on for 4 months, shes pregnant and he said he'd marry her, but he doesn't want to now, hes realised how much he loves me. I really dont know what to think, I do love him so much and consider him my soulmate but if the other woman keeps the baby she will always be our lifes.???????

My ds is 5.

I smell a rat.

He cheated on you, now has his girlfriend pregnant with a baby he says he doesn't want so he wants to run back to you.

Leave him well alone and move on i'm afraid. I think it can only lead to further pain with trust issues and the new baby.

If he was your soulmate he would never hurt you by cheating on you either.

How can you say hes your soul mate when hes done that to you?

your soulmate is probably just around the corner- take your ex back and you will never know.

whatever you had is gone,to rebuild it youd need strong foundations -new babies with other women are not the strongest foundations.

Yes I agree with what your saying, but then I think what if i'm throwing something away that could have been really good??? I dont want regrets

Sounds like you may have more regrets if you let him back in the house to live with you though.

The best thing to do is give it time. If he does leave this woman let him set up/live by himself and show to you that he wants you. Not use you as the easy option as somewhere to go cos he doesn't want to be with this woman and new baby.

I wonder if he would still leave her if you were to say no to him?

Got to go out now but will check back in later by the way.

Keep strong!!

He kinda of said he would leave her before we talked about us getting back together, oh know i feel like i'm making excuses for him, but even before he asked how i felt he was telling me how he feels trapped how he wished he'd never left how he realised how he went about leaving me was wrong.
I agree with the bit what you said about him getting his own place etc thats exactly what my mum and sister said prove that hes not just on the rebound from her. thanks

it could have been good if he hadnt shagged around and got someone else pregnant

Completely agree with TurkeyLurkey. It is far too easy for him to come back to you. He won't respect you if you just let him move back in. You could just be setting yourself up for another fall.

Either forget the whole thing or ask him to prove his commitment to you by getting his own place and going to counselling / mediation. See if he can sustain his interest in and commitment to you over at least 6 months while he deals with the mess with the other woman. His behaviour over that time will tell you whether there is any chance of things working out between you long term.

People make mistakes but they often then just go on to make more mistakes. Why should you and your son get caught up any further in the chaos he has made.

oh my god this is my situation!!

do you remember talking to me?

hi allgonebelly up are you jenny on facebook?
Is this really happening to you as well? if I remember right are situations were very similar when we split with our partners.

no im not jenny!!! but never mind!!

yes i remember bleating on at you about how much more awful my situation was, cos not only was i still madly in love with him (like you), but he had also got his woman pregnant! i cant believe youre in the same situation!

The difference is that although my ex has spent many an evening here saying he feels trapped and doesnt want a baby (and she is over the moon too!), he has never ever said he wanted to come back to me!
i would be elated if he had!! (he never cheated on me, i asked him to move out after sooooooo many arguments)

i dont know what to suggest to you!
The other posters on here are saying "no way, tell him to get lost", but it is very easy for them to say. You are the one with all the feelings for him and maybe it would be worth giving him another chance?

The baby will have to be a part of his life but the other woman doesnt need to be a huge part really.

Turkeylurkey had v good advice there BTW.

The thing is, AGBU, I gave my ex a second chance when he asked for it. I was too afraid to say 'no, let's wait and see if you are committed before we try again'. Well, it all fell apart again anyway and now I wish I'd not been so eager to say yes. Nothing had changed so the outcome was the same. It hurt more the second time because I knew it was really over then. So I'm biased I suppose.

turkeylurkey and skyatnight are soooo right.

if it's really meant to be, if he's really devastated and misses you so much then he can prove it to you by getting himself together alone for a few months now.

i know you want it to all be ok. but the best prediction of future performance is past behaviour.

be strong!!!

yes i agree you should make him live alone for maybe a year to prove he can go it alone and is not just using you/your home..

God, why d'you want him?

He walks out on the mother of his child(ren?), knocks someone else up and then walks out on her?

Eh?

And this guy is desirable why?

I would work very hard on your own self-esteem, because thinking this guy is a Good Thing, seems to me to be evidence that it is too low for you to be happy.

If you think he is your soul mate, surely a soul mate wouldnt have cheated on you and walked out??

Although i for one know it is impossible to turn off your feelings for someone, even when you desperately want to

Mind you, there was no other woman involved in my/our case. It was more about problems between us that could not be resolved.

It is so difficult to not give the father of your child a second chance. You feel that you are doing it as much, or more, for your child as for yourself. But there was some weakness of character that lead your son's father to walk away and have an affair. That will not be fixed easily. You can enjoy his company and feel that you are compatible in many ways but if you can't rely on him, it is not likely to lead to happiness in the long run.

He needs some space from you and the OW, like TurkeyLurkey said. He's like a human pinball machine at the moment, bouncing around off everyone and bruising them. You are not his security blanket, or his mother. If he wants you back, let him put in some effort and prove it by renting a place of his own and still being committed to you and your dc. Don't mean to be unsympathetic to you, it's just that your dp seems rather fickle.

Thanks again everyone. I do agree that IF we got back together it would definitely be the best option for him to get a place of his own and kinda date and take things very slow, also I agree about the counsellor that too would be a good idea. If we can see how things go with him in his own place that would be good. I know you all probably think I'm a fool I do feel so much stronger about things now so his feet wouldn't touch the floor if he ever did it to us again. I agree to giving people a second chance, we'll just see how it goes, wont tell ds until we are sure.

LoneLou, I wouldnt like to do the, oh hes a cheat get rid of him thing, but I would just like to share a few things.

My mum was married to my dad, they had me, I was 2 he left, then came back, mum got pregnant, he left. Then came back, in the mean time he got his girlfriend pregnant, so he left, then, guess what came back!! this time got mum pregnant, so now wife and mistress pregnant at the same time, so finally mum threw him out.

Sometimes certain men, think only of themselves and run away from responsibility, and he sounds like he is regretful of the pregnant girlfriend, but thats not your problem, and itss not your place to save him, he now has serious baggage to bring into this relationship, and it will affect you, I poersonally would leave him well alone, if your heart is screaming for him, i understand but sometimes we have to override our emotions and think with a clear head. My mum, loves my little brothers and is grateful for them, but the trouble that man caused by thinking of himself still rings through to this day 30 years later.

Please dont just consider your child, you have to consider yourself, you deserve a great relationship, and trust is part of that, and if you lack trust, the heartache will continue, whether he is faithful or not.

Just wondering whats happening, lou?

Do you feel absolutely gutted about the OW's pregnancy?
i found out last september (she is due in 2 weeks time ) and although i feel a bit better, and its not quite so raw, i still feel like sobbing all the time..
you sound a lot stronger than me and yours is all so much more recent!!