My DD has never seen her half siblings and she's 2 1/2

[concerned123]

I have changed my name for this post because I think the woman I am going to talk about reads all the stuff I post on Mumsnet.

I got involved with DD's dad about 9 years ago and he was married. (OK OK I know) In late 2004 he left her and in mid 2005 he returned to her. By that time I was pregnant with DD and she was born late 2005.

He had 3 children already. He remains involved in DD's life and is very supportive of me both emotionally and financially. His other children keep asking to see DD but...

their mum wont let them UNLESS she is there and I stay away. I am not happy about this and won't agree it and neither will her dad.

I do not trust the woman. Over time she has stolen from me, redirected my post, hospitalised me (by hitting me over the head with a vase) tried to get social services to take DD away from me, hung around outside my window at night, burnt out my phone wires, turned up banging on my window at 6 in the morning, bitten me - the list goes on and on. I am quite happy for DD to see her half siblings with her dad but I do not want her exposed to this woman any more than necessary. Is there any way round this or do I just have to accept she'll never knwo her half siblings or vice versa

I dont blame you for not agreeing to that, i would want to be their if she was going to be. I realise that might sound petty to some people but i think its completely understandable given the trouble she has caused you.
I think you might be able to get a contact order on your daughters behalf for her to see her half siblings. Their opion may be taken into account depending on their ages. IIRC your xp's wife would have to provew that it wouldnt be in the chjildrens best intrest not to see your dd. I dont see how this would be possible from what you have said. It might be worth you going to CAB and/or a free half hour consultation at a solicitors to find out more.
HTH

Concerned.

Sorry, it's not petty at all that you wouldn't agree to something like that......

She wants to be there, but she doesn't want you there.... Well, flippin' hell - I want to win the lottery but we don't always get what we want!!!

Personally, I'd leave it be. DD's dad is active in her life and his wife (are they still together?) won't be able to control the kids forever....

IMHO, there is little point in forcing her to allow her children to meet yours, just as there is little point in forcing you to agree to her terms........

I'm not saying you ALWAYS have to accept that she won't know her half siblings - but her dad could bring photos etc., and talk about them...... it may happen in time, but I don't think you can force it (or at least, I wouldn't)

Concerned123

What a very difficult situation for you all .

I totally agree with YouCannotBeSerious that you cannot be expected to wish to allow your DD to meet her half-siblings in the presence of both their parents but without you.

The most equitable way to meet for all concerned would be for all three adults and all four children to be present.

Do you know your DD's half-siblings yourself?

How about grandparents? Are they involved/supportive or not? Does your DD know her paternal grandparents?

I would let it lie for now this woman is obviously (and understanably) very hurt and bitter about your role in her and her DH's life and I wouldn't trust her to be around your DD without being there yourself or having a neutral party (your DD fatehr) there only.

She may mellow over time, she may not but the chilren will get older and start to make their own decisions and may chose to see your DD themselves... or they may not.

It will be sad if she doesn't get to know her half siblings but ultimately it isn't the end of the world.

Anna yes she knows her paternal grandparents. They do not like ex's wife and she is currently not talking to them and has refused them access to her three children (this predated DD being born by about 2 years by the way).

I can understand her being bitter Kewcumber and do not judge her for that but the way she chooses to play it out deplores me. She even chucked out her 14 year old the other night in the snow just because she took a phone message from me (I had to take DD to hospital and needed her dad to know). When I met DD's dad she was having an affair herself. Not in retrospect a justification of what we did but just a fact

I doubt she will mellow - if anything she got worse after he went back to her.

Its a sad sad mess. I accept I played a part in it and accept many people will blame me for that which is fine

concerned123 - so all four children meeting at their grandparents without parents present is not currently on the cards, but might one day be so?

It all sounds very tense.

Why did your ex go back to his wife?

Anna partly because he thought it was the safest thing for the other 3 children ( he did not think they were safe with her alone and didn't want to push it through a long drawn out custody case). Also despite everything he still loved her

How difficult for you .

I agree with Kewcumber that I wouldn't push the meeting the half-siblings thing for now. It would be better for all the children^ to meet sooner rather than later, but of course it must be in circumstances that are sufficiently calm to make it a happy meeting that lays the ground for a future relationship.

Do you see the kids, C123?

The 14YO seems to at least accept you?

I'd just wait - 2 years isn't too long!

I would let it rest for now.This woman sounds like trouble there,s no telling what she could do.I,ve had the misfortune of dealing with people like that before.Its a shame thame that grown ups let their fights affect innocent children.I hope she mellows with time.

We know quite a few of families in circumstances like yours... it does happen, and understandably it generates terrible tension and ill-feeling.

I'm not sure there is anything you can do to calm the atmosphere between you and your ex's wife. Does she/do they have a therapist?