10 Yr old suddenly refusing to go to her dads

[Sunshine186]

My ex husband and I have a 10yr old and 6yr old. We have been separated for 7 years and for the past 5 we have an eow arrangement, plus Thursday/Friday on the weekends he doesn't have them.

This weekend our 10yr old has point blank refused to go with him, our, our son has. We have been on holiday and the kids were due to go yesterday, the day after our holiday. Last time we went away this happened. Our 10yr old went the next day.

I don't know what to do, our lo is completely refusing to go. Last week she talked positively about seeing her dad. She just says she does not want to go.

My ex and I have a great relationship and he is a brilliant dad. He cares for them well, they have a great time with him and they have the love and support from his family too.

I have tried everything apart from just leaving her on his doorstep. My worry is she is saying she doesn't want to see him again. He has not Hury her or treated her badly. Last week on holiday she was saying how she wished dad had come on holiday with us and she chose him a present to take home.

They are both due to go on holiday with him and their grandparents on Saturday. My 10yr old is kicking and screaming not to go. Help!

Either something minor has happened - like she didn't get to watch her favourite programme or something. Or something terrible has happened.
Hard to tell from your post what the set up is but my instinct is assume the worst until it's resolved

Ooh I’d be really careful with this. When my Dd started refusing to go to her dad’s it turned out her stepmum had been abusing her. It took a LONG time to come out and they are not allowed any contact any more.

Now obviously I’m not saying this is what happening, but she’s being very clear with you something is going on. May not even be related to her dad, but it seems to me you are her safe place and she doesn’t want to leave that at the moment. That would make me worry a bit.

It seems you and her dad have a great relationship, so can you just explain she needs you a bit more atm and that it’s not to do with him (until proven otherwise but don’t say that!) and see how it goes? Forcing kids to do things they hate just breeds resentment. And I think currently you need your daughter to trust you.

Did she have the body /period talk at school before the holidays? Could she be worried about them arriving while at her df's? Back in Ye Olde Days (1980's) my dm used to send a note via me to df telling him I couldn't go swimming that week! The embarrassment of periods back then.. Unlike my ds 9 who told me about the entire talk recently...

My lo is a daddies girl, loves him to bits. Tells me all the time he is better at brushing her hair, making her tea etc. She is always happy to go and when I pick her up. Thru have banter during video calls and have a great relationship. The day before we came home from holiday she asked if she was going to her dad. She did a fist in the air and said 'yes!'. She also chose a present to take back with her. All was fine until the day she was going.

Now re the holiday, ex and his parents go every year to the same place. I can see why my lo thinks it is boring, it's a seaside location with nothing there for kids. She asked I'd they could go somewhere else but no. This is how refusing to go on the holiday started. She has been saying she is not going for a few weeks now.

I have shown her some things to do a short drive away and said her dad would be happy to take her/talked about things they can do and so has he. He has taken them to other places this year and she has been happy to go on little holidays.

I'm torn between forcing her to go and not letting her dictate and understanding that she never wanted to go in the first place. We had a court order around 5 years ago that states ex has two weeks holidays in the summer. Ex has started to go on about that now.

Could she have a zoom call with her dad, with you around to hear what her objections are?

Think we might try this. Recently she has been hiding when our youngest has video called him. I think she hates going to the dame place and this is where it may have started from. The other weekend when she went to her dad's she was quite anxious it was the holiday. She was fine when I said it wasn't that weekend.

He needs to pop over to yours and see them, or have a zoom call, I think this needs to be between them (with you present for the discussion if you've any concerns though it sounds like not) it's probably just some kind of anxiety around the change. Not wanting to go on the 'boring' seaside holiday is just a kid thing I would say, mine often claim something simple is going to be 'boring' then have the time of their lives. It's a bit sad that you think there's nothing there for kids when it's the seaside! What more do they need than the sand and the sea and some rock pools etc?!

She is clued up on periods/body changes as it is something that has been openly discussed for a while now.

I presume you've tried asking her?

I wonder if it could be narrowed down a bit. Would she like her dad to come and see you at your house? Would she like to go out with dad for the day but not stay over? Her answers may give some insight as to where the issue lies.

Honestly, this is where a bit of bribery is helpful, if you're happy there's nothing more serious going on. I'd suggest that her dad and grandparents buy her a big present of something that she's into at the moment and have it waiting for her at the holiday place. That will give her something to do as well, if it's a fairly boring location.

What more do they need than the sand and the sea and some rock pools etc?!

I think 10 is approaching the age that they do find the idea of some childhood pastimes 'boring', although ime they often get into them when they're there. So it's getting them there without too much resistance which is the challenge.