Contact 9 month old baby

Poppalina37 · 2024-08-09T17:10:27+00:00

So.... I like to think I've done right by my daughter here... whereas my family and friends feel I've massively messed up! I have a 9 month old daughter, father was not present throughout pregnancy. They met when she was 3 months old. We have established contact and that's gone well and from end of July our daughter has stayed with him Wednesday to Sunday alternate weeks. This has been going well, she is settled. Her father is adamant that he would like her 50-50, I have said no but have said I will not rule it out as she grows older. He is on her birth certificate now and she has taken his surname. I did this because I still use my married name and her siblings have their father's name and the name meant a lot to her father and I wasn't fussed. Unfortunately, we have had a breakdown in communication and things have gone wrong. Our daughter's first birthday and Christmas falls on his Wednesday-Sunday and he has said that it's his time and I should ask him permission to see her - in which he has responded No. When agreeing to this access I didn't even consider the ramifications of dates etc.... and unfortunately everything falls on his weeks until 2029! 😭 Despite, trying to reason with him I've got nowhere. He has really wanted us to be friends but I've pushed against this as I feel that we are growing closer than I'd like and given are history I need to steer clear. I mentioned yesterday that I may have to get some legal support regarding us moving forward and now his behaviour has changed. He refused to give me any information on our daughter's day/photos/sleep etc something that he's always happily shared. This afternoon I called family mediation and the lady is sending me the forms. I feel really sad that it's come to this but I guess the time has come to get something more formal in place. He's runs his own business whereas I teach so I can't just take random days off. I get that he wants her too but it doesn't seem fair that I have to wait to share her birthday in 2029. I've tried really hard today to suck it up and allow him what he wants but I'm truly heartbroken. Anyone got any advice? I know that I have her 10 days to his 4 but surely birthdays and Christmases are viewed differently. I've no experience regarding this as things have always been amicable with my ex husband.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/08/2024 18:20

It depends on your agreement really. Some people at the point of court will specifically arrange to factor in birthdays/christmas to ensure that it’s every other year for each parent, so you could do that? But it would take court to get a formal arrangement in place if he won’t agree.

Reugny · 09/08/2024 18:27

Most of the separated parents I know alternate Christmas and the child's birthdays. A few even ensure they spend other important days e.g. Mothering Sunday, Fathers Day with the respective parent. (A few have included siblings including half-siblings and step-siblings birthdays.)

Apparently the people I know are better behaved than some as they allow their children to spend a minimum from Christmas Eve to the day after Boxing Day with their other parent. Some parents do the handover on Christmas Day evening every year.

He needs to be careful though - I know someone who told the Court that she goes away for two weeks over Christmas to family over 250 miles away so the father could never have their child over Christmas. The Court awarded him two weeks over Christmas every other year.....

Reugny · 09/08/2024 18:33

He refused to give me any information on our daughter's day/photos/sleep etc something that he's always happily shared.

He's allowed to do this. On the other hand you can do this as well.

The child loses if either of you have the photos lost or destroyed in the future.

I forgot to say if you go to Court he will likely end up with more days. As you are not vetoing this I suggest when you go to mediation you put in a timetable so he has her more days as she gets older. (I would make it much older than you feel appropriate so when he counter offers you can try to meet near where it is appropriate.)

Andsoisdorothy · 09/08/2024 18:34

Wow he sounds like an arse, didn't even bother meeting her till three months and you've facilitated a decent amount of contact time there. I doubt mediation or a court would think it fair for him to have all birthdays and Christmas.

Original poster

Poppalina37 · 09/08/2024 18:50

Thanks for taking the time to respond. He's done a fair bit in the past not to warrant my time or energy but my daughter didn't ask to be born into this situation so I'm just navigating it the best way possible.

I did suggest alternative Christmases and birthday but that was a massive no!

Despite everything I do believe that he is and will continue to be a good father - the issue is us two agreeing to the finer details. I've not done 50-50 with my other children but he has this arrangement with his ex-wife so I planned to cross 50-50 when our daughter became aware that her sister stayed with their dad for a longer period of time. That way she would be older. I can't get my head around it with her being so young at the moment. I do however, see in my job that this can work well for some families

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Honeysuckle16 · 09/08/2024 22:15

You’ve been hugely generous in allowing him so much time with her while she’s so young. It’s usual for fathers not to have overnight access until the baby is quite a bit older. It seems, however, that your generosity hasn’t been appreciated and he’s now being difficult.

It’s unreasonable for him to have all birthdays and Christmases. The norm is alternate years and deviations from this are only when both parents agree on a different schedule. So you’d be right to stand firm on this.

Your daughter appears to be coping well with the contact arrangement just now but, as I’m sure you know, children go through a number of physiological phases between 9 months and 3-4 years. Therefore, taken alongside the generous access that the father already enjoys, it would be reasonable to say it is in your child’s best interests to wait until your DD was 3-4 years before increasing it.

It’s a great pity that your ex now refuses feedback after visits as this feedback can be very helpful both emotionally and practically. However, if your ex remains antagonist there is little to be done.

Does he pay maintenance? He should, given the balance of overnights.

Does he supply everything your DD needs during access visits - all food, drinks, nappies, toiletries, clothes, toys, baby equipment? He would be expected to do this.

Original poster

Poppalina37 · 10/08/2024 08:37

Honeysuckle16 · 09/08/2024 22:15

You’ve been hugely generous in allowing him so much time with her while she’s so young. It’s usual for fathers not to have overnight access until the baby is quite a bit older. It seems, however, that your generosity hasn’t been appreciated and he’s now being difficult.

It’s unreasonable for him to have all birthdays and Christmases. The norm is alternate years and deviations from this are only when both parents agree on a different schedule. So you’d be right to stand firm on this.

Your daughter appears to be coping well with the contact arrangement just now but, as I’m sure you know, children go through a number of physiological phases between 9 months and 3-4 years. Therefore, taken alongside the generous access that the father already enjoys, it would be reasonable to say it is in your child’s best interests to wait until your DD was 3-4 years before increasing it.

It’s a great pity that your ex now refuses feedback after visits as this feedback can be very helpful both emotionally and practically. However, if your ex remains antagonist there is little to be done.

Does he pay maintenance? He should, given the balance of overnights.

Does he supply everything your DD needs during access visits - all food, drinks, nappies, toiletries, clothes, toys, baby equipment? He would be expected to do this.

Thanks for responding. It's interesting when you say about the 9 month thing. When I collect her after a 4 day stay I have a good 2/3 days of hell getting her back into routine. She is absolutely fine with him but the transition back home is horrendous. It feels that she has no idea if she's coming or going. It made life very difficult and my job because she wants me and only me.

My parents and lots of people warned me about the amount of contact i originally gave. I feel really anxious now because he's purposely not sending photos, and I'm so use to seeing her and if I ask how she is... I get fine.

His character has changed since I told him that I'm going to seek legal advice. I've received a few sweary texts which isn't like him. I felt that this whole situation has been peaceful until I've challenged him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Poppalina37 · 10/08/2024 08:41

Honeysuckle16 · 09/08/2024 22:15

You’ve been hugely generous in allowing him so much time with her while she’s so young. It’s usual for fathers not to have overnight access until the baby is quite a bit older. It seems, however, that your generosity hasn’t been appreciated and he’s now being difficult.

It’s unreasonable for him to have all birthdays and Christmases. The norm is alternate years and deviations from this are only when both parents agree on a different schedule. So you’d be right to stand firm on this.

Your daughter appears to be coping well with the contact arrangement just now but, as I’m sure you know, children go through a number of physiological phases between 9 months and 3-4 years. Therefore, taken alongside the generous access that the father already enjoys, it would be reasonable to say it is in your child’s best interests to wait until your DD was 3-4 years before increasing it.

It’s a great pity that your ex now refuses feedback after visits as this feedback can be very helpful both emotionally and practically. However, if your ex remains antagonist there is little to be done.

Does he pay maintenance? He should, given the balance of overnights.

Does he supply everything your DD needs during access visits - all food, drinks, nappies, toiletries, clothes, toys, baby equipment? He would be expected to do this.

Sorry, financially he is a joke! He pays £90 a month. But he does provide everything for her when he has her...and I mean everything.

I'm not overly concerned about the financials as I'm financially astute but I have used the CMS and surely he's not going to be able to continue claiming he's earning 9k a year as an architect for the next 18 years 🤷

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Reugny · 10/08/2024 12:09

His character has changed since I told him that I'm going to seek legal advice. I've received a few sweary texts which isn't like him. I felt that this whole situation has been peaceful until I've challenged him.

He's probably done some research and realises alternate birthday and Christmas are the norm and your challenge is very likely to be successful.

One thing to ask for in mediation is that you both moderate your language towards one another and remain business like. It's harsh to include yourself but the purpose is to stop him swearing and ranting at you to prevent the situation from escalating. You both have over a decade of having to communicate with one another, and if you can maintain a cordial relationship then this can be maintained for the rest of your lives.

Reugny · 10/08/2024 12:12

Poppalina37 · 10/08/2024 08:41

Sorry, financially he is a joke! He pays £90 a month. But he does provide everything for her when he has her...and I mean everything.

I'm not overly concerned about the financials as I'm financially astute but I have used the CMS and surely he's not going to be able to continue claiming he's earning 9k a year as an architect for the next 18 years 🤷

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How many children does he have with different mothers?

As the money is divided between you both.

Original poster

Poppalina37 · 10/08/2024 14:27

@Reugny

He has 5 children, one dependent child which he has 50-50 so she's not been included in the assessment. We both have 4 children each with our ex husband/wife. And we share a daughter.

I had no intention of claiming child support because she was unplanned and I felt that it was my choice to continue the pregnancy. But I've already supported two older children through university and my third plans to study medicine so I figured I could bank the payments for her future x

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Olympicfatigued · 10/08/2024 14:31

Poppalina37 · 10/08/2024 08:37

Thanks for responding. It's interesting when you say about the 9 month thing. When I collect her after a 4 day stay I have a good 2/3 days of hell getting her back into routine. She is absolutely fine with him but the transition back home is horrendous. It feels that she has no idea if she's coming or going. It made life very difficult and my job because she wants me and only me.

My parents and lots of people warned me about the amount of contact i originally gave. I feel really anxious now because he's purposely not sending photos, and I'm so use to seeing her and if I ask how she is... I get fine.

His character has changed since I told him that I'm going to seek legal advice. I've received a few sweary texts which isn't like him. I felt that this whole situation has been peaceful until I've challenged him.

Show quote history

Your poor little baby getting passed around like a parcel. No wonder she’s unsettled. She didn’t ask for this mess.

Original poster

Poppalina37 · 10/08/2024 14:42

@Olympicfatigued

Well aware of that! Do you have anything to add? Any words of wisdom?

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titchy · 10/08/2024 14:51

Poppalina37 · 10/08/2024 14:42

@Olympicfatigued

Well aware of that! Do you have anything to add? Any words of wisdom?

How about a contact arrangement based on what is in your baby's best interests rather than her parents? Obviously a baby this young shouldn't have no contact with her primary carer for four whole day.

She isn't struggling with the transition when she comes back to you. She's traumatised. She has no idea when she leaves you that you will ever come back - babies don't develop any sense of permanence till they're much older.

Original poster

Poppalina37 · 10/08/2024 15:09

@titchy thank you so much for your input.

I am well aware that I have got this so wrong.

I'm unsure of what access looks like for a 9 month old baby as I've never been in this situation and I guess I've tried to pacify her father and also been worried about him taking me to court for 50-50. He has this with his 6 year old and my youngest is 14 so I've worried that he'll get that and it's my worst nightmare if I'm honest.

The lady from mediation will call me in the week, I'm hoping that I can suggest that we do alternate Friday to Sundays. But I know he'll kick off.

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titchy · 10/08/2024 15:52

Contact for this age should be little and often. Eg three afternoons a week. No overnights. Work up to overnights so age 1, two afternoons and a full day. ALWAYS at a pace the child is comfortable with. What you and he want is irrelevant really.

Ibouncetothebeat · 10/08/2024 16:02

Change your mindset. Christmas and birthdays are when you choose to celebrate them. Just celebrate them on the day she is with you. She will not know the difference and it is about the child. Best thing would be to agree to share but if you can't don't make it the be all and end all. It's just a date.

sadabouti · 10/08/2024 16:11

He sounds like a complete bell end. I'm a dad. I'm not separated from my wife, but I cannot imagine being this inflexible, or not realising that it's unreasonable to prevent you from seeing your child on her birthday for the next five years. I am not sure why you would fear developing feelings for someone with this mentality. He sounds like a fool to me. All that said, I think you will have to carry on as you are doing with the mediation and stand your ground. Unless there are court orders in place, he can go whistle. He sounds like the kind of man who cannot cope with not having his way. You have to co parent with him, but Christ on a bike, don't let it go any further that.

Original poster

Poppalina37 · 10/08/2024 17:15

Ibouncetothebeat · 10/08/2024 16:02

Change your mindset. Christmas and birthdays are when you choose to celebrate them. Just celebrate them on the day she is with you. She will not know the difference and it is about the child. Best thing would be to agree to share but if you can't don't make it the be all and end all. It's just a date.

I would have this attitude but we both have children who equally would like their sister around at Christmas. So it's really important that we find a fair balance.

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Original poster

Poppalina37 · 10/08/2024 17:20

sadabouti · 10/08/2024 16:11

He sounds like a complete bell end. I'm a dad. I'm not separated from my wife, but I cannot imagine being this inflexible, or not realising that it's unreasonable to prevent you from seeing your child on her birthday for the next five years. I am not sure why you would fear developing feelings for someone with this mentality. He sounds like a fool to me. All that said, I think you will have to carry on as you are doing with the mediation and stand your ground. Unless there are court orders in place, he can go whistle. He sounds like the kind of man who cannot cope with not having his way. You have to co parent with him, but Christ on a bike, don't let it go any further that.

There's no chance of a reconciliation between us. He made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with me or our daughter. I actually chose to keep her and fly solo.

He refused to help financially or give me any medical information regarding himself or family.

But I stupidly offered an olive branch when she was 12 weeks old. I don't even think I would have ever heard from him had I not initiated contact.

Writing this... I can't actually believe I've been so foolish.

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sadabouti · 10/08/2024 19:42

Don't be too hard on yourself. You want your child to know her father, even if he is hard work.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2024 19:51

Ibouncetothebeat · 10/08/2024 16:02

Change your mindset. Christmas and birthdays are when you choose to celebrate them. Just celebrate them on the day she is with you. She will not know the difference and it is about the child. Best thing would be to agree to share but if you can't don't make it the be all and end all. It's just a date.

If it's just a date then dad can do this

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2024 19:52

sadabouti · 10/08/2024 19:42

Don't be too hard on yourself. You want your child to know her father, even if he is hard work.

Yes I agree you've done the right thing by your daughter even if it's a pain in the bum for you,

Do you live close to each other?

Reugny · 10/08/2024 20:04

Writing this... I can't actually believe I've been so foolish.

No you are not foolish.

You don't want your daughter to be one of those teenagers and adults who asks where was her dad and having a problem with her sense of identity then blames you for not contacting him when she was little. He turns up and says he didn't know about her because you never contacted him.