Donor parent query

[CatLady1987]

Hi all
I’d like the pick the hive mind about something.

I’ve recently made the decision to become a parent again, but this time on my own. I’ve found someone willing to donate, and spent some time getting to know them a bit better. They have excellent values and ethics and would want to be involved on godparent-level basis, but ensuring any potential child conceived knows about their roots, has some contact - from an ethical and identity perspective. We’ve had a video call and exchanged messages, with a view to possibly proceeding in the near future. My issue is this - I already have a child from a previous relationship. I have no desire to enter into a new relationship and would rather raise my child and any potentially conceived future child alone, with the support of my friends and family. I do feel that this person is trustworthy and would have no contact with my child in any way. I am not sure how to tell them about my child and how to word this. I haven’t mentioned my child yet, as I wanted to get to know them a little first, from a safeguarding perspective. Any thoughts or suggestions welcomed - I want to be transparent with them, but also safe! Many thanks

Entering into these kind of informal donor arrangements is very risky. He is perfectly within his rights to try to get parental responsibility and contact with the child. He's not been screened for illnesses that could harm you or the baby. You don't know how many times he's donated - your child could end up with hundreds of half siblings.

If you want to do this, use a proper clinic

Thank you for your reply. I haven’t just jumped into this. He has been screened actually, as he’s donated through a formal clinic system in the past. He’s been transparent with how many times he’s donated and has set a clear limit.

Sounds complicated.

What will you do if your child finds out their godfather is their dad? As they may well tell them?

When using an agency there is counselling to discuss issues of telling the child details etc

I can only agree with a previous poster that using a clinic is the way to get the clarity and protections you want.

We are about to have our second child via a donor and I can’t echo enough what other posters have said about going via a clinic. The fact he has previously been screened is moot unless you are using the sample that has been screened. In terms of his honesty, best case scenario he is genuine and that’s great but worst case your child has hundreds of siblings within area that they may end up in a relationship with, there are lots of documentaries about this and the limitations are there for a reason! There is also a lot of examples out there of parents being taken to court by donors to get parental rights, mainly with these informal arrangements. I appreciate via a clinic can be expensive but honestly it will only make your life easier/more secure.

I have no suggestions on how to word this OP but just to let you know that there's a Solo Mothers By Choice - UK group on Facebook which is really helpful and has some mothers in it with both children from previous relationships and children from donors.

His donated before

Do you not worry that your child may meet and full in love with their half sibling

Have you watched the Man with 1000 children on netflix? It shows some of the perils of going outside the system and even within the system.

That said I know people who have been through the donation process very successfully. How old is your first child? Age appropriate truth is always the best way forward.