Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Step parents and responsibilities

26 replies

Fandabbydaisy · 03/08/2024 21:25

I know this is different for everyone but I wondered others thoughts. I have a teen and a tween with my ex. Ex has been with gf for over a year. Children met her and have regular contact for the last 6 months. Recently my eldest has mentioned dad says tween can stay with girlfriend while teen and dad go to a hobby. Or dad says gf can take tween to his hobby. My thoughts are that she isn’t their parent and dad needs to manage it or I can be around if things overlap?? Dad hasn’t mentioned to me and obviously I think it needs discussing. Just wondering how others manage this as it’s all new…

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 03/08/2024 21:34

I don't think you can control what happens when they are with their dad. And that includes his partner being involved with them. Do they like her?

Pearlyb · 04/08/2024 02:34

You need to let it go. It's absolutely normal for step parents to help out with day to day ferrying around and childminding etc.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 04/08/2024 02:53

It's up to him to make these decisions, you can't micromanage his parenting.

pikkumyy77 · 04/08/2024 02:55

He could hire a babysitter to fo it. You have no say here.

Mum2GirlSs · 04/08/2024 03:14

It's his time with them - he can ask someone to watch them if he wants.

Same way in which you could ask your partner to watch them if you had to go somewhere.

You need to step back and not try to micromanage his time / choices

Lovingsummers · 04/08/2024 03:17

Unless your children are raising serious concerns, it's up to your children's father to decide on their care when it's his time with them.

Edingril · 04/08/2024 03:23

You don't own his time, sure if serious abuse issues that makes a difference if not you can't control the other parent

MillyMollyMandHey · 04/08/2024 05:14

It’s absolutely fine for her to help out (and normal, tbh)

You don’t get a say on what happens in his time. Slightly worrying you don’t see this.

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 04/08/2024 05:38

Their Dad IS managing it.

SD1978 · 04/08/2024 05:58

It's his choice. He's trying to do the right thing by not dragging around child not involved in the hobby, and leaving them with an adult he trusts. In his time this is not your business. It doesn't need to be discussed.

Meadowfinch · 04/08/2024 06:17

If it's his time, he gets to decide who cares for the dcs, just as you might book a babysitter on one of your days.

Distract yourself by organising to do the things it is hard to do when you have dcs all the time. A decent hair cut, shoe shopping, gynae and dentist appointments. See friends, go to the theatre & the pub. Run parkrun or a Raceforlife.

I use DS' weekends away to redecorate.

letstrythatagain · 04/08/2024 07:06

I know this is difficult. The thought of another woman doing these things with your kids...I've been there. BUT, and I say this gently, it's not up to you. Just let it go, smile and let them get on with it.

Original poster
Fandabbydaisy · 04/08/2024 07:31

Thanks for the comments for those assuming I’m trying to manage him or the kids I’m not. He lives with his girlfriend they stay there. I guess it was more about communication. He isn’t the most organised and his girlfriend seems to organise him. Which I know he needs. I have plenty going on in my life so I’m not sitting worrying about them. However on my weekends when I have to be in two places at once it’s a bit trickier I guess. I have a bf but I haven’t involved him with the children yet at all as I’m not in a hurry to do that. Personal choice.

OP posts:
MillyMollyMandHey · 04/08/2024 07:32

Fandabbydaisy · 04/08/2024 07:31

Thanks for the comments for those assuming I’m trying to manage him or the kids I’m not. He lives with his girlfriend they stay there. I guess it was more about communication. He isn’t the most organised and his girlfriend seems to organise him. Which I know he needs. I have plenty going on in my life so I’m not sitting worrying about them. However on my weekends when I have to be in two places at once it’s a bit trickier I guess. I have a bf but I haven’t involved him with the children yet at all as I’m not in a hurry to do that. Personal choice.

So what’s the problem?

Original poster
Fandabbydaisy · 04/08/2024 07:34

@MillyMollyMandHey my original post was asking how other families juggle and I thought he might have discussed with me. But it was my teen who mentioned it. Teen seemed to think it was odd but probably because it’s all quite new.

OP posts:
StopInhalingRevels · 04/08/2024 07:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

summerdazey · 04/08/2024 07:44

I'm a stepmum and the ex is ALWAYS asking why I can't help out etc and from day one my rule has been they have two parents I'm not needed to "help out". To start off with she didn't want me involved with the parenting - absolutely fine by me and then it slowly turned to "can summerdazey not look after them for the day in the holidays if you're working". Asking for money from me.

Funny how the tide turns when she needs something.

Cantgetausername87 · 04/08/2024 07:45

Not only is it up to him, but you should in my opinion be happy that the GF clearly wants to be involved and has time for your children. I think it would be a worse situation if she just wasn't interested and not wanting to help out. X

Pearlyb · 04/08/2024 10:48

Fandabbydaisy · 04/08/2024 07:34

@MillyMollyMandHey my original post was asking how other families juggle and I thought he might have discussed with me. But it was my teen who mentioned it. Teen seemed to think it was odd but probably because it’s all quite new.

I don't think this is one of those things that needs to be specifically discussed. Doctors visits, school performance, bad behaviour, etc - yeah sure. But how he organises his day to day life and taking children to hobbies - no. Would you like to have to clear it with him every week how you manage to juggle things on your weekends?

Try stay clear and let him get on with it.

Original poster
Fandabbydaisy · 04/08/2024 11:29

We do communicate quite a lot tbh. I’m happy with the children being involved with his gf. I guess I’m mindful she has her own life and may not want to be ferrying our kids about. I’m not sure I’d volunteer if it was the other way around. I posted this thread for info from others who have been in a similar situation. It’s interesting that there has been conclusions drawn about control, not wanting gf involved etc. I know the children are lucky in the situation they are in to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fandabbydaisy · 04/08/2024 11:33

summerdazey · 04/08/2024 07:44

I'm a stepmum and the ex is ALWAYS asking why I can't help out etc and from day one my rule has been they have two parents I'm not needed to "help out". To start off with she didn't want me involved with the parenting - absolutely fine by me and then it slowly turned to "can summerdazey not look after them for the day in the holidays if you're working". Asking for money from me.

Funny how the tide turns when she needs something.

Yes exactly I wouldn’t want put on someone who has their own life and responsibilities. Sometimes life is a tricky juggle. He has said when they were a bit younger x can look after them but I’ll be at work. But in my head it’s not down to x. I wouldn’t want to look after someone else’s kids! I purposely date men without kids.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 04/08/2024 11:36

Are you worried that she will split when his demands for childcare get too big, or are you annoyed that he can easily access wife work while you keep dating and children separate.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 04/08/2024 11:42

People who post your dilemma are usually looking for your answer “your ex is lazy and should be doing those chores himself”

I think it’s fine that gf is doing lifts etc unless there’s a drip feed of she’s banned from driving or something but that’s clearly not the case here.

If you’re hoping that the gf isn’t secretly annoyed at doing childcare or that your ex will mess this relationship up by asking too much from gf then you have to let it go. You can’t change his behaviour and it’s up to him and her how things are done.

Mickey79 · 04/08/2024 12:07

Dad is managing things and it doesn’t need to be discussed. If his gf isn’t happy with what she is being asked to do, it’s for her to discuss with him. I don’t think you need to be involved at all.

DumbassHamsterSitterPerson · 04/08/2024 12:20

I think as long as you are all happy with it, and it seems that you are, then stick with what's happening. I remember my mum taking my step-sibs to activities when their dad couldn't and it was "his" time.

I'd have been happy with my DCs step Mum doing the same, but her and ex decided DC were nothing to do with her. She refused to do anything for them, (other than cook things they don't eat and then moan they didn't eat it, but that's another issue)
So what happened is ex just didn't have them if it wasn't convenient for him. Didn't matter if I was meant to be at work/ sick/ had plans. As long as he wasn't inconvenience.

I guess the problem was that we both had different opinions on who was responsible when, and who should step in on "our" time. And there was no way to compromise.

Swipe left for the next trending thread