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Original poster

Time to move on...

13 replies

looneymum · 14/04/2008 14:05

My DH left at the end of December and although reckoned he wasn't having an affair, moved in with his boss and her two DSs (age 2 and 4) and few weeks later - we had been married for 8 yrs. This weekend gone, my DDs (age 3 and 6) have been introduced to the new woman and her kids. My DH is buying her house and they have a live in nanny! The kids had a fine time and took it all in their stride. For me though it all just seems very quick. I cannot look at/speak to DH and can only communicate via e-mail re dates he is having the kids. I gather he has said to DD1 he will meet with me once I have stopped crying! I stopped crying as soon as I knew he had moved in with the new bird and can't imagine ever wanting to set eyes on him again, especially as he has completely moved on. It is, of course, better that the kids are happy with the new arrangement, but I am having a job sorting it out in my head. I so hope I meet a kind, caring sensitive guy next as it seems DH was a complete sh*t. All pearls of wisdom welcome! xx

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anothermum92 · 14/04/2008 14:45

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littlewoman · 14/04/2008 17:06

I wish I could give you a massive cuddle Congratulations for even being coherent at this early stage. I know I wasn't, only four months or so down the line. You are trying so hard to be reasonable, and that is very noble of you under the circumstances. I know people say 'you must be sensible for the dc's sake', but is easier said than done. So well done for all the good things you've managed so far.

I totally understand the 'not being able to look at dh'. I only ever text him. I don't know why that is, but I just had to pretend he no longer existed. He really was too painful to think about. Like repressed memory syndrome or something. Pushed him right to the back of my head, if he popped up in front of my face, I ignored it. That's not a very grown up way of handling things but, quite honestly, if that's what gets you through the day, do it. Time for some choices of your own now. You need to make things easy for yourself, too, as well as your dc's. It's perfectly acceptable.

Time is a doctor, and changes all things.
You will be well again.

Original poster
looneymum · 14/04/2008 19:06

Hey everyone. Thanks for your support. All my friends and family think I am doing well even functioning under the circumstances but I just feel that I cannot bear to acknowledge his existence - as you say Little Woman - everyone needs their coping mechanism and this seems to be mine! I have also fallen out with DHs parents whom I normally get on with - I suppose it was bound to happen - they have been horrific and I just cannot deal with that as well - what type of people can kick someone so hard when they are down?! Any way, every cloud and all that..... I have lost nearly two stone! x x

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anothermum92 · 14/04/2008 20:04

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littlewoman · 15/04/2008 02:17

Exactly, AM, and when the new relationship that you find is all lovely and shiny-new, LM, you can rejoice in the knowledge that their honeymoon period is probably over and they are at each other's throats by that stage

I fell out with my MIL. She kept saying things like "listen, right, the ball's not in your court, right. You just have to do what he wants to do, right". Then she had his OW round her house for a games/quiz evening, 5 days after we split up . Four grandchildren sat here, crying their eyes out, and she did that. I will burn in hell before I speak to her again.

Given the son's behaviour, you shouldn't be surprised at the mother in law's.

Original poster
looneymum · 15/04/2008 15:00

I cannot wait for my shiny new relationship LW -- perhaps I didn't love him that much after all, to be so keen to move on! Actually, I had a blind date on Sun - he was nice looking but I couldn't get a word in edge ways - which is a novelty for me! Anyway - nice eye candy and good practice - roll on the next victim! I have another couple on the go on those internet dating web sites and although I know they probably mostly have wooden eyes, it has been great to distract me from the "real world". I have a friend staying for the weekend whilst the kids are away so we will have a good laugh... and DHs ears will be burnt holes!

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Original poster
looneymum · 20/04/2008 20:49

Hi Guys - what do you make of this. Me and DD1 were sorting out some cuddly toys to take to estranged DHs house at the weekend. She picked up a cuddly snowman and asked if her and DD2 could go to daddy's for xmas (perhaps a strange thing for a 6 year old to ask - I wonder if DH has been talking about xmas). Anyway, rather than responding in an upbeat manner I said did she not want to spent it with mummy? "no" she said "not really"! I was gutted and had to go and have a good cry... of course she asked what was wrong and I said I was just being silly and sad and I don't think she realised what was wrong. God! This is such a horrible situation - why must I suffer so much for the horrible things that my sh*t of an estranged DH has done....?

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googoomama · 20/04/2008 21:43

Hello LM - I really feel for you. My DH left at the start of January, saying that I had been an "easy target" for his verbal abuse all through our 6 year marriage and that he couldn't change his aggressive behaviour and didn't love me any more. From almost the moment he left me and our 2 DS (4 and 2) I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders - for example, it's been over four months since I was told to "F* off" every day. However, I do have moments of sadness when I realise that the dream that I had of a lovely married life has vanished and will probably never return (I've never been one for attracting loads of blokes, even though I scrub up OK!). I wouldn't think too deeply about what your DD says about being with you or her dad - she is not emotionally mature, you have done a brilliant job of shielding her from the awfulness of what has happened to you and because of these things she has no idea of the effect her little words have - ask her about Christmas tomorrow and she'll say she wants to spend it with you - children change their minds so often. My DH does a wonderful job of emotionally blackmailing my oldest DS, telling him that Daddy is often so lonely that he cries and has noone to give him a cuddle. It doesn't bother me - when they grow up my sons will realise what an aggressive, selfish and pathetic man their father is - but they'll come to that conclusion themselves, because I'll never tell them - I don't enter into discussions about Daddy, I just say things like "That's lovely, darling"!
I think you're doing fantastically well and when they grow up your children will admire you for acting with such enormous dignity throughout this quagmire. Keep going!

anothermum92 · 20/04/2008 22:23

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littlewoman · 22/04/2008 03:01

Good luck with the dating, Looneymum, but don't throw yourself all-in. Make sure you assess them properly

That's painful, what your daughter said, but she didn't mean it nastily. She trusts you to be there forever, but she's never had Christmas at daddy's before. I bet you anything, come Christmas, she'll want to be with you. Like GGM said, just smile and say 'that's lovely' and let it all wash over you. Don't sweat the small stuff... and it's all small stuff

littlewoman · 22/04/2008 03:02

Hope you're okay, by the way

Citronella · 23/04/2008 11:43

Hello, I have just read your op and think you are coping amazingly. Your DD sounds like she is just in awe of the new situation because it's all new and now she has brothers etc etc but in time she will grow up and as a young woman will understand what you went through and how strong you were for her. She will feel nothing but pride in you.
How are you looking after yourself? Do you work? Do you go out?
I have really come to the conclusion that the male of the species is really the weaker sex.
Take care and come here and rant,cry, laugh whatever. You will be in good company.
xx

Original poster
looneymum · 23/04/2008 20:40

Hiya everyone. Only just got to the laptop for a catchup and am overwhelmed by all your support - thanks a bunch - I feel really comforted. Can you believe my blind date for tonight has bombed me out! It doesn't feel good I can tell you! He did call (we have spoken quite a lot and I think I may have sounded like a bit of a stalker ... overkeen and all that) so he is probably terrified! He had a good reason, he has just lost his job, probably his flat and car and may have to move out of the area but still would like to keep in touch.. he sounds so nice but I think I am probably in such an over sensitive state that the slightest attention sends me into overdrive! Anyway, not too good for the self esteem but I'll pick myself up and await the next victim! I just seem to need the distraction whilst all this horridness is going on... perhaps I should learn to knit!

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