Too soon to move in

[Singlemumtoboys]

I Female (45)have been with my boyfriend (50) for 2 years, we have a lovely relationship and both want a future together.

I have 2 sons 11 and 14 and he has a 16 boy and an 18 year old daughter.

I would love to take the next step and move in together, everyone gets on well although I understand it would not happen over night I would like to start blending a little more with the view to buying a larger house we would all live in. I understand this could take a while for everyone to feel happy, I have no problems it taking a year or 2 but would like to feel we are taking steps towards it.

My boyfriend who said he wants to live with me has refused to talk about it, says he would like to but does not know when, when I asked what concerns him or prevents him he says he doesn't know. It has caused arguments mainly because I feel he should be able to talk about it and he point blank refuses and feels him saying in the future is enough.

To be clear, I am ok with waiting, but think it's reasonable to have a conversation about it and because he won't I am getting a feeling there is more to it he is not saying.

I would very much like to have a future with him, we both own our own houses and I feel I have met someone I want to make a future with, he said he feels the same but surely if he did he would at least discuss it?

Do you think 2 years is too soon to have these conversations?

In his shoes I would (and did) wait until my youngest was grown up and finished school. Then they at least have the option to move on if they don't want to play happy blended families.

I don't think there's much benefit to the kids in blending families at these ages and it could be quite detrimental.

Plus older teens are HARD, my DP and I each had quite enough on our plates without adding another 2 each!

To be honest, if my children were the age his are, I wouldn’t be blending, I’d be waiting until the youngest was 18, and would consider it then - in my anecdotal experience blending is rarely a genuinely positive experience for children (much more likely to be largely neutral or actively negative).

I understand your view, I guess it he voiced these or any concerns I would be open to the conversation, it's just the complete refusal to discuss it

Thank you, I appreciate you responding. I think I would be ok with that if he would tell me his thoughts

With a 16 and 18yo, I wouldn’t be entertaining the conversation until they were both done with school. If they are away at university, it could be considered. I would want to be sure they felt comfortable coming home, so really it would be better to wait until fully moved out.

If he won't discuss it, it's unlikely to be something sensible like waiting for his kids to be adults. Can he not communicate about any other subjects?

I agree he should communicate better.

But if he's thinking 'I literally couldn't think of anything worse than taking on two more younger kids right now', that's a hard thing to tactfully say to the one you love.

Have the 6 of you holidayed together before? A week in three or four hotel rooms or tents would be an indication of how they get on. And if it's difficult, you've seen pps' advice.

I agree with what the others have said about him waiting until the youngest is 18 but if it was just that surely he'd say it. The refusal to discuss it or communicate his feelings is a bit of a red flag. Communication is key in a relationship and if your relationship is going to be long term there will be further important things to discuss, especially with children being involved. Is he just going to shut off every time? I think you're right to be a bit wary of him. Are you sure the relationship is as solid as you think?