Hi all,
I'm sure there are other posts here about this so please forgive me for any repetition. I think getting this all out it going to help with the nauseating anxiety I feel right now. I literally feel sick and dizzy. I don't know what to do.
My situation is this: I have been with my partner for nearly 16 years. We live together (not married) and have a joint mortgage. We have two children, a 6 year old boy and a 2 year old girl.
We have historically had a very rocky relationship with me ending it with him early on (well before kids) but we got back together. We are quite different people. He is very in his head all the time. I am probably the opposite, although that has changed somewhat after my brother's suicide 7 years ago.
Two days ago he exploded at me after me being upset with him because he shouted at our 6 year old for ignoring him when he spoke to him (I think my son may have some processing delay going on - he is shortly to be observed by the school SENCo because of concentration issues in class). I am generally unhappy with the way he communicates with our children. He was raised by two naval officers. My parents are Italian. Two very different styles of parenting particularly in relation to how love and other emotions are expressed.
So in his explosion at me 2 days ago he told me he has secretly been seeing a psychotherapist weekly for a few months (wouldn't tell me when he started seeing him). He is very stressed at work. He had a similar explosion/breakdown just before Christmas last year but said he wasn't ready to see a couples therapist together. We had a couple of sessions about 3 years ago but then I miscarried and it fell off our priority list. The 6 months leading to Christmas last year were awful for us. Communication broke down and we just existed side-by-side looking after the children. It was my first year back to work after mat leave. Shitty year all round. We seem to have a cycle of ok periods then explosive periods. And round and round we go.
He asked me why I hate him. It's not the first time he has said this to me. I couldn't answer him. I guess deep down there are lots of his qualities that I don't gel with but just thought this is what being in a r/s is. He doesn't agree.
I honestly don't know whether I want to be with him anymore. I'm not up for sex with him. It's never been great as he doesn't respond well to me telling him what I like/don't like. He has quite often told me to shush during sex. Massive turn off for me.
The thought of us ending fills me with dread and I literally feel sick and dizzy right now, hence me posting here. The recurring thoughts I have are about how I will cope with my two young children. Where will we live? How will we split the house? How will I be able to afford to pay a massive mortgage/sky-high rent by myself? How will the children respond? Will it fuck them up? I think that if we didn't have kids I would likely end it. Should I try and make it work for their sake? I feel like I have been trying but he seems to disagree. We are now barely speaking. He has said he has friends he can go and stay with. I mean wtf? What about looking after the children?? Fine, leave me but we have responsibilities!
He's not a bad guy but by god he is hard work. Very complicated character. He gave up drinking 18 months ago as it was becoming problematic. He now smokes weed vapes which I don't mind because it makes him a nicer person to be around when he is stoned. Not moody as hell and shouty with the kids or cold and distant which is how he is a lot of the time. My friends have always struggled with him.
Christ, what a dump. Apols for the essay. There's so much more. Happy to share if interested.
Any reflections or advice welcome.
Thanks for reading.