need advice about access with young (10wo) ds

[MamaChris]

not a lone parent, but ds's dad is not my partner and am hoping this is the right place to ask for examples of typical access patterns.

ds's dad has been seeing him Sat & Sun afternoons since he was born, and now wants to change this, on some weekends, to just one day, but for the whole day (8+ hours). We (dp & I) would really like to go to just 1 day/wk, but with a 10wo baby, bf on demand, 8 hours seems like a long time (as it means 8 hours with us, during which time I only get to hold ds when he's feeding and dp doesn't get to hold him at all, as ds's dad sees this as his time).

Can anyone give me examples of access patterns for such a young child? We'd like to get something regular set up, but also expect that whatever is agreed now will set a pattern for the next couple of years. Thanks

no experience of access at your ds's age. Only thing i can think of is if you could express so xp can have him for that amount of time. So this is more of a bump than anything im afraid.

If he only wants to do 1 day per weekend, I would let him do that but not for the full 8 hours. Either express, or say 1 day, 4 hours. I would be most put out to have xh hanging around for that amount of time. No REAL experience of access at this young age though.

A 10week old baby is asleep most of the time so I don't see why the dad needs to be there for 8 hours. It would be better for him to spend quality time with his child when he is awake. You cannot be forced to express milk just so that he can feed your son, nor can he be given formula if that is against your wishes. I am all for parents spending quality time with their children but it has to be realistic and I don't think 8 hours is. Babies need their Mums, they are their first sound, smell and touch. They look to their Mums for comfort.

When my lo was small, her dad saw her a few times a week for a couple of hours each time. Your ds dad could do a bath time a couple of times during the week and then an afternoon once a weekend. You are right to start off as you mean to continue as this will set a precedent for contact in the future. It is also important to remember that babies don't understand schedules and routines, sleep patterns will change and flexibility is a good thing to have when arranging contact. It sounds as if the father believes it is his right to see his son. It isn't , it is the child's right to have a relationship with both its parents. the father has a responsibility towards his child.

It would be perhaps be better if your dp isn't in the same room when your ds father sees his child. Then there would be no need for your dp to feel jealous about the lack of time he spends holding the baby. It does sound as if your dp needs to step away a litle. As lovely as holding babies is, he does get to spend the rest of the time with your son. When the weather improves, your ds father could take your lo for a walk to the park and give them some quality time alone together as well as giving you some time out.

8 hours in one go for a young baby, let alone a bf baby isn't a reality i'm afraid and he's not thinking of the child's welfare in a request such as this.

It sounds like you are being pretty accomodating with him already. Ask him to think of baby's needs above his own.

8 hours without feeding is going to muck up your body and if you are having to express enough milk to provide for that your milk supply will go into overload, and then to have 8 hours with none being needed, well it's just a recipe for disaster imo.

Expressing milk is not always easy, i couldn't get any decent amount trying that. Also that expressed milk is given back to baby using a bottle, which might confuse them and could even result in them rejecting the breast or refusing that bottle.

8 hours in one go in your own house is not on i don't feel. Especially if you and your partner are excluded. 4 hours is a pretty long time too really, even more so if your current partner and yourself are left feeling uncomfortable in your own home.

Baby is bf so can't be away from you for too long. If you are happy for the baby's dad to be there for short amounts of time then he could come by in the morning and spend some time there, he can take baby out for a walk to park or shops even, no need to be in your house the whole time. Then dad can go and get his lunch (on his own) giving you a couple of hours with baby to feed etc and then he can see child again after that perhaps for another couple of hours. Baby is likely to sleep most of the time in reality though at this stage.

So I would suggest a pattern of a couple of hours in the morning followed by a couple of hours break for lunch and feed for baby (bearing in mind that bf babies feed on demand so he'll have to wait till baby is ready to feed and then done) and then he can have another couple of hours in the afternoon, including taking baby out for a walk again would not be unreasonable and is probably the best workable situation you could achieve for some time with baby bf'ing. Text him when baby is done feeding and he can come back and take them out for a walk, baby will likely go right off to sleep anyhow.

Is there scope for him to come at some point in the week for an hour or so if he can't do the second day at the weekend? Or perhaps one or two evenings babysitting so you and new partner can go out for dinner or just put your feet up at home of an evening for a short time? If he says that's not doable and nowhere to go then find out opening times of your local library and other places he could take baby out during the afternoon for a walk round, most have late evening opening on some days now. Just taking baby out for a walk in the pram round the local shopping centre at this point is going to be fine for a bit.

Thanks for useful advice. I haven't managed to get expressing going successfully yet, and, tbh, don't want to not hold my baby for the whole time his dad is here.

We have tried to make it so ds is awake most of the time dad is here, which is just about possible for 4 hours, particularly as dad likes to keep him up (tho we always end up with overtired ds when he leaves), but obv that's not possible for longer time. Think we need to have honest chat about how much ds needs to sleep in the day, and how this is going to work going forward. 4 hours at weekend + 1 evening in the week would work for us, but difficult with dad's job, I think. He's here again tomorrow, so will try to have constructive talk.

Think it will improve as ds gets older, just very difficult at this age, but it's important to start negotiations now as we mean to go on.

x-posted jillybean. that split day sounds like a good idea too - will try and see how we could structure that

You really need to explain to ds dad that babies tend to sleep approx after 2 hours awake time. Keeping him awake for 4 hours is cruel and unnecessary and will not help any of you in the long run. A 10 week old baby can sleep any average of 16-18 hours a day. Sounds like the Father is not considering his child's needs, more his own.

will do rosamum. though perhaps, to be fair, the dad doesn't know what the child's needs are and we need to be better at explaining them. ds doesn't nap easily - we need to work quite hard to help him sleep at home (rather than when walking)