Hiya
First things first, you should know we have a court order which means DD (11) should be spending every alt weekend with dad.
Earlier this week, there was an altercation between the two of them. Basically, DD was recovering from an illness at home (my home) and I made the decision to leave her there alone whilst I went to work (worth noting she is 12 in 2 months). She was absolutely fine, no sypmtoms of the illness (which was a 24 thing); she just needed a bit of rest time. I only work 10 mins away, and my sister is literally 30 seconds over the road and my mum round the corner, and both were going to check in on her and I was going to call home throughout the day. I would have just sent her to school, tbh, but she had to be off until 12 due to the nature of her illness, but could have gone in after that point. I have left her on her own before (though not all day) and she was more than happy to be left; she had the choice of going to my mum's but wanted to stay home. She's a mature girl and I trust her.
Ex came by the house after I went to work to pick something up for my other daughter (8), who he was taking to school (was his evening the night before, but my eldest didn't go because of said illness; she wanted to stay with me). The girls know where my key is so this isn't the first time he has dropped them off at mine briefly to pick something up that's been left there. I had no idea he was going to turn up at mine. DD(8) tells ex that my other daughter is home alone. He flips out, screams at me down the phone, and starts banging on the windows and doors demanding she come out so he can take her with him. She refuses to go and calls me in a state. He's threatened to "inform the school" of what I've done, and DD is terrified of being dragged from the house by police or something. I get my mum to go over, and DD goes home with her - only because she is now scared to be there in case he comes back. He leaves and sends me many angry messages.
Now, a few days later, DD is refusing to go with dad with weekend. She says she is scared of him, that she can't trust him, she doesn't know what he's going to do. As this was earleir in the week, her fear has turned more to anger that he treated her that way. I have tried to convince ex to have a reconilliatory conversation with her this evening to sort of smooth things over so she feels comfortable to go, but he is still angry. Blames me for the situation. He rejects the idea of a reconiliatory conversation because he is angry that she "lied to me" about his banging on the windows etc. Obviously I wasn't there, but I trust DD, and let's just say that this kind of behaviour is not unusual for him. He has a pretty warped view of his own behaviour.
DD doesn't know that I had this text exchange with him today, but clearly if he does speak to her this evening, it's going to be less of a reconciliatory chat and more of an accusatory one. He's already made it clear that she is going to be sanctioned for "lying" to me.
I don't know what to do. I want to support and protect her, but if the court order says she has to go, then surely she has to go. He will be there to pick her up from school tomorrow, and I will be at work. I have informed the school of the things that have been happening, but what if my daughter absolutely refuses to come out for him? I just don't know what to do.