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Original poster

4 year old daughter wants to see her dad

21 replies

changingchaali · 30/06/2024 21:00

My daughter's father hasn't seen her since she was a week old. She will be 4 next Monday.
I stopped the contact because he came here drunk during the day to see her and after that he never showed up when he said he would and never gave money for things when he said he would. Always had excuses.
I didn't want this for her so I blocked him after her first birthday

My daughter is very bright and has been asking why she doesn't have a daddy. She has told her nursery that he is dead (I've never said this to her) and walks around sad and today she has been going on about him all day.

I grew up without a father and I don't think it has affected me but she is seeing her half brother go off with his dad and asking lots of questions.

Do I explain that he isn't a good daddy, keep skirting around the truth or open the communication between them and let her know him? I'm so scared that he is going to let her down
She has two older sisters and 2 older brothers that she is missing out on but I don't want her to be disappointed

I'd appreciate some advice on this.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 01/07/2024 06:49

I’d arrange the contact that she wants, and let him let her down, rather than it coming from you.

Original poster
changingchaali · 01/07/2024 17:07

Bump

OP posts:
Julyshouldbesunny · 01/07/2024 17:10

She's 4..she probably wants a pony and a unicorn too.
Suggest to him he seeks contact via a contact centre.. You need to know your dd will be safe surely?

Reugny · 01/07/2024 17:18

How old are the older paternal half-siblings?

I agree with @DustyLee123 let her see how shit he is rather than you dictate it.

Obviously she can't see him without someone else who can keep her safe around him in the long term, which is one of the reasons I asked how old are the paternal half-siblings.

PortiasBiscuit · 01/07/2024 17:20

“Some little girls don’t see their Daddies. It’s very sad but we do have (insert names of male friends and relatives) instead. “

Original poster
changingchaali · 01/07/2024 17:24

@Reugny thank you.
My oldest is 23 but lives far away and my other is 12

OP posts:
Boohoohoohoop · 14/09/2024 20:21

Maybe establish contact carefully? Im of the opinion that having a shit dad and knowing it and realising it yourself is better than the confusion of not knowing your dad at all.

You can be honest with her and tell her that her dad is lovely, but has a habit of making promises he cant keep. And that it would be nice to see him some time, but we cant be sure when that is etc. True but age appropriate.

Original poster
changingchaali · 15/09/2024 08:55

@Boohoohoohoop Hi thanks for your reply.

So I did reach out to him and he said he was interested to see her. He said he would be in contact. A lot of faffing about and "sorry I've been busy" messages came for weeks and then we arranged to meet on a Wednesday evening at 6pm and he didn't show up, phone was off when I tried to call. Sent an apology a few hours later and came on the Thursday.

I only told her who he was when he was right in front of us. She was all dramatic and hugged him and kissed him "oh I love you daddy!!"
They played. He left and she hasn't mentioned him since lol
He has checked in a few times and sent some random money and actually messaged yesterday about seeing her today but he didn't give concrete plans so I guess as long as she isn't asking and pining for him then I can kind of relax 😮‍💨

OP posts:
Clumsy12345 · 15/09/2024 09:53

Unpopular opinion but i dont think you should have rushed in that quickly contact should have been set up much more slowly and only when he proved he was going to be consistent already looks like he is messing you around not showing up and phone off surprised you gave him another chance I sense heart break on the cards for your daughter 😔

Original poster
changingchaali · 15/09/2024 13:31

@Clumsy12345 yep I totally understand that and that was a bit concerning for me but speaking to others and some replies on here was along the lines of "she has to see for herself"
I am happy that she hasn't even mentioned him since meeting him and is more preoccupied with her first week at school.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 15/09/2024 13:34

You are the parent, she doesn't necessarily get what she wants. She can see him when she is old enough to decide.

Gettingbysomehow · 15/09/2024 13:35

My DS didn't see his father again until he was 18 which was my decision. So he went out of curiosity when he was 18 and was disgusted by what he found. He now appreciates the decision that I made.

MouseofCommons · 15/09/2024 13:37

You can't allow a 4yr old to do that. 4yr olds don't understand the ramifications of this sort of thing. No contact is better than a crappy, unreliable dad.

Abbylikeswine · 15/09/2024 13:38

Well done OP.

You were right to let her see him.

I think it's important for the child to meet and know who her father is, rather than have total confusion about who he is.

Its important for the child's identity.

As you see, you did the right thing, and she is less upset now.

Original poster
changingchaali · 15/09/2024 14:23

@MouseofCommons I believe that also and as I was raised without my abusive father I'm happy my mum made that decision.

FTR - he isn't abusive just a bit of an unreliable flake
I was adamant I didn't want her to see him until she was older but as I was getting so many different opinions (not just here, friends and family too) it was so hard to decide.
Some made out that I didn't want her to see him because of MY feelings about him and that "he may not be unreliable with her/im denying her a possible great relationship/put your feelings aside...yadda yadda

I was worried she would want to see him all the time and he wouldn't deliver but the fact she hasn't mentioned him or asked to see him since has settled my nerves.

OP posts:
Original poster
changingchaali · 15/09/2024 14:24

Thank you @Abbylikeswine 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
changingchaali · 15/09/2024 14:24

@Gettingbysomehow did your son ask or enquire about him in the 18 years? How did you handle that?

OP posts:
Clumsy12345 · 15/09/2024 16:54

what i meant is that it wasn’t a great idea to still go ahead with contact after he didn’t show up and turned his phone off, that shows you what’s to come and he hasn’t changed, children do need to learn but it’s also our job to protect them, i think i would have kept it to phone contact or writing only until he proved he was consistent then moved on to face to face contact not just jumping straight in but that’s done now just don’t keep giving him chances that messes up kids more, just one chance now if he messes it up then that’s it.

Original poster
changingchaali · 15/09/2024 17:18

@Clumsy12345
Yep I totally get you. I have said to him I don't want him to be inconsistent and muck her about and he said he wouldn't but you know how they chat 💩
I've made a point of not saying anything to her about him coming to see her on such and such day just so if he doesn't turn up she isn't disappointed.
He hasn't made any plans to come and see her again and like I said before she hasn't enquired about him since the first meeting which is a huge relief

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright3 · 15/09/2024 23:39

I am a Lp would say 4 was the age I got most questions . I think they see families around then notice dad’s dropping off collecting

I also think buff and chip had a hand in this curiosity .

I call it the revolving door question . You need to be real at an age appropriate level .

Wasywasydoodah · 15/09/2024 23:49

It sounds like you handled it really well. She was curious. You helped her explore her family. He’s clearly flakey but there are worse crimes and but since he’s not abusive I thought you’ve done a good thing.

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