Ex using his time with dd to emotionally abuse me

[Tomatosoupandbread]

Ex-dp and I have been separated since dd was born 7 years ago. There is a long history of emotional and financial abuse, well documented by outside agencies.

We went to court in 2018. I was granted a prohibitive steps order and a restraining order for a year. The emotional abuse has continued ever since the restraining order was lifted.

He sends messages going on barages about how I am an unfit mother, how dd will be taken into care (not that he will get residency, but that she will be placed in care), that I never let him see her etc. I have never, ever stopped him from seeing her, but he regularly refuses to come and collect her, or returns her early with just 20 minutes notice, so I am unable to arrange anything for the time he does see her as I never know when he will be bringing her back.

His behaviour is now seriously affecting dd. She has her birthday party this weekend. It was booked in January and he was informed at the time. He agreed to the date and the time. He is now saying that she is not allowed to attend her own party, as it is his time with her and he will not allow me to take that away from him (he is invited to attend the party). So I now have 11 children turning up to a party and no birthday girl in attendance. He regularly tells her that I am incredibly unkind to him and that I don't want her to have him in her life. Again, I have NEVER said this and have never blocked any form of relationship between them.

He sees her every Tuesday night, and is meant to see her every second weekend from Friday-Sunday, but currently sees her on a Sunday instead as it works better with his work pattern. We will soon be going back to alternate weekends.

I want to move away. I am really unhappy where I live, and want to move down south to be closer to my father, who is now elderly. I am aware that I am not allowed to move without his consent. The area that we currently live in has a high crime rate, and the housing estate next to us is known for county lines and of being the biggest route for drugs into the county, as we are on the border of two counties. Her current primary school is great, but the secondary school has had a number of recent pupil stabbings and is a known recruitment ground for gangs. I also want to move away from him, as I cannot take the constant belittling and prodding and drip fed abuse every Tuesday, Wednesday, Sunday and Monday.

I had years of evidence of WhatsApp texts sent from him to me, but recently had to re-install WhatsApp and it has said that it is unable to find a backup (despite iCloud saying that it has 4GB of WhatApp data on it) and so they are all lost. I have recently moved over to communicating with him on a Co-Parenting App and the abusive messages have still continued on there, but it is only a number of weeks' worth.

If I move away I have read that the court can force me to return so that he can continue with his usual pattern of seeing her, which I am finding crushing as I really am at breaking point with him, and yet he has this control over me too. I just don't know what to do.

So AFAIK it's not impossible to move away but it will require you to make an effort to work out how you will continue to facilitate access and a relationship for your DD.
I'd suggest speaking with a solicitor.

Regarding the party, I'd suggest you send him the contact details and ask him to contact everyone to tell them it's cancelled and also to let your DD know. Just put it factually. "OK no problem, I'll send you all the details and you can let everyone know"

Thank you so much. I am glad that there might be some glimmer of hope, as it's feeling pretty desperate right now!

Depending on what he's said in the messages, you might ne able to get him for harassment, and you don't need multiple years worth of evidence (twice is enough).

https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/beta-stalking-and-harassment/what-is-stalking-harassment/

Does your court order prevent you from moving? You could try get a specific issues order to move. If he's not regularly turning up when he should / drops dc off early then it doesn't show much commitment, and you can present that to the court. Also the birthday thing would go very much against him.

To be honest, things being as they are, I would just bite the bullet and go to court and try amend the order, and definitely apply for a non-molestation order while you're at it. It won't get any better unless you put a stop to it - how much longer can you take this? Don't waste any more years on him!

I wouldn't cancel the party willingly and ask him to contact the other parents. I would implore him to let your daughter to go, explaining how important it is for her, and noting that it's been booked since January and she's been looking forward to it. Remind him that he's invited.

Save this along with his response and that's very powerful evidence in court

Also - it's a bit 50/50 whether court would make you move back if you relocate. You can argue that the child is settled and happy where she is, and moving back would be too much disruption. Court cases may take a long time to run their course, and the more time she'd spend in the new location, the more reluctant any judge would be to order to to move back. However I suppose it's a possibility. I'd go back to the court and try do it properly!

When is the birthday party?

Honestly, I’d just keep her that weekend and be elsewhere when he tries to show up. Let him take you to court and prove how the agreed upon party for his child wasn’t in said child’s best interests. Especially as you say it was agreed upon beforehand. Normally I don’t condone interfering with the other parent’s time but this is beyond ridiculous.

Can you stay at a friend’s house from the Thursday beforehand?

Can you go into an apple store and ask them to help you recover your data?

I'm not suggesting to cancel it. I am suggesting to call his bluff.
If he is responsible for contaxting everyone and telling them it's off including the DD then I'd bet he won't.
Men like this can be bothered. Imploring him just puts him in a position of power which is what he wants

Bit of a shitty move to arrange her birthday party on his weekend IMHO.

My ex would have gone mental for trying to arrange anything on his weekend (even as he increasingly frequently stopped seeing them). No way would he have contacted all the parents. I think it's on you to rearrange for the following weekend, and explain to DC that you forgot it was Dad's day.

@BloodyAdultDC , it’s his weekend every weekend at the moment-he has her every Sunday. At the time of booking it was alternate weekends and I had booked it on my weekend, but gave him notice of when it would be so that he could attend if he wanted to. I did nothing wrong or underhand in any way. He was the one that changed the arrangement after it was booked.

If he wants to cancel DD's party, tell him that HE will have to tell DD and HE will have to tell the party invitees. Everytime he pulls a stunt like this, he's forgetting that it's his relationship with his daughter he is damaging in order to 'score points' over you.
He's not putting what's best for DD first and foremost. So each time he tries to score a point over you which is affecting DD negatively, just remind him 'is this best for DD?' Keep repeating this every time. Instead of thinking what's best for HER, his game playing in order to get one over on you is what drives his behaviour. Don't engage by telling him how YOU are inconvenienced, just show disappointment that DD once again has been let down.

To be honest, I'd just completely ignore him and carry on with the party. What's the worst he can do? Men like this don't want healthy regular contact with their kids, they just want to make your life hell

Again re moving away. Just do it, if he's not happy let him take you to court where you can evidence his abuse and sporadic contact. Get as much evidence as you can and go and have a chat with a solicitor. Document every abusive message or missed contact visit

I'm only suggesting this because it's very powerful evidence in court. Fully aware that in normal circumstances imploring him puts him in position of power - it's just to get evidence for court to show he's not doing what's best for his daughter

Realistically how do they order people to move back? Other than via the threat of changing custody (which it doesn't sound like this man would want) surely it's impossible to enforce, rents are extremely expensive and few around, and council housing can take many years if not actively homeless

I would completely ignore this nonsense . Tell him she is not available as previously agreed .

no further comment is required ..

just repeat .

You should have logged the abusive messages with the police . you absolutely do not need to tolerate this .

Do not agree to any cancellations . He will have it documented you agreed to cancel .

I think the think to remember here is that he doesn’t actually care about Dd in this situation . Hard but true .

If the court order says its your weekend the weekend of the party then I would crack on.

If he turns up and tries to take her ring the police.

Oh op, he has ground you down again. You escaped once and you can do it again. Send him a message reminding him that you booked in January, when it was your planned weekend and you are being flexible for his shifts, but this takes priority. His response will show exactly what he is like for you to seek legal advice. I would consider changing your number, so you can go about your day without constant messages. Then keep this number in an old or cheap phone for just his communication. Screenshot everything.