before i start a brief recap on my story for those who are new - this will be long so bear with me. As most of you know my son was conceived in a one night stand with the man who is the love of my life when i was incredibly drunk. he was married to someone else at the time and i have done my years of hanging my head in shame so please try and not comment on that. I think going through pregnancy and labour alone and hiding your child was enough punishment and i beat myself up for long enough. i wasnt supposed to be able to have children so my son was a shock but since the day he was born he has bought me so much joy i cant regret it for a moment. His father wanted nothing to do with it. asked me to terminate and ignored me for the rest of the pregnancy when i wouldnt. When he was born he asked me to take a dna test which i did and as a reslt his wife found out. They seperated last year. In october of last year after two and half years he asked to see him. I have always wanted a father for my son and i thought they would love each other so i said yes. We spent a lot of time together a for my sons sake i felt trying to be a family was a good idea. This man has serious issues but (in true abused woman style) i do love him so i tried. I recently found out i was expecting again. I also decided it was not going to work with his father and told him it was time to seperate. All the way through all i have heard about is how his other child is more important, is the onlything he cares about, is the favourite and always will be and how my son comes second best. his reasoning for this is that he had son no.1 by choice and also lived with him. it is true that his wife had a c ssection and did nothing with him for the first few months so l had to take over and do everything so it is right that there is a strong bond there but at the expense of his other child?
Anyways the final straw came last week. I was heartbroken at walking away and he turned up (drunk) at one in the morning as he felt bad. When he proceeded to inform me about the three women he could have had that night and how i was lucky that he came home to me.hwo fit they were and how if i didnt want him he would have another woman in minutes because thats how he is. how he couldnt understand why he couldnt let go of me. how he wanted to be there for the new baby but i had to understand that it would make ds a distant third. I waited to calm down then told him i didnt want to know anymore and felt he would cheat on me as well so would prefer not to be with him.
On Thursday of last week my son became very very ill - the next day i called l to let him know how things were, and he told me the only way i could understand his feelings for my son were if i had gotten involved with someone who had a child who was nothing to do with me.
He has told me he does not feel connected to my son, is ashamed of both of us and is afraid of his ex wife taking the other son who is his world and the only important thing to him away from him if she finds out about him and my son isnt worth that. My son loves him so much and talks about him constantly. he insisted on being called daddy almost straight away and he knows who he is and worships him but i dont want the man anywhere near my son. He is on holiday at the moment but he told my sister on sunday that he cant understand why i would not want him near my two children. I had an early miscarraige on monday so thats one problem solved but what do i do. hwo long before he makes my son feel worthless as well. he means nothing to him according to him but my head keeps saying if i stop the relationship it will turn on me in the future. even if he does try and see him it will stop the minute he gets another girlfriend and ds is an interference in his life.
thanks for bearing with me. i just dont know what to do.