First ever first date?

[fikit]

Long time listener, first time caller.

Mum of two amazing DDs (12/10).

Was with their father for twelve years before we separated, and navigated some pretty poor self esteem issues following his infidelity and marriage, which ruled dating out for a very long time. Unfortunately, as is life, his is running on rails, and mine is shunting slowly along the track. My girls are amazing though, and I’ve loved being present for them while my XP got settled in with his new wife and their children. Thankfully they all seem very happy now, and I’m glad for them. I steadfastly ignored the chorus from friends about getting over him by getting under someone else and have descended (somewhat involuntarily, definitely cowed) into the nunnery.

As the girls are getting more independent, I have been very tentatively thinking about wanting someone in my life for me, rather than just because I feed them on a regular basis (including my children and my cat in that category).

My partner was my university boyfriend and as is the way of getting together by way of a cheeky snog (I am so very old) in the SU on a Wednesday after sports afternoon, and then a gradual descent into the convenience of having a girlfriend we never really did ‘dates.’ So, for the headliner, I’ve never actually been on a first date with anyone, and have never been with anyone except for him.

I am bizarrely absolutely terrified by the idea of going on a first date with a random man and having no idea how to go about it. I’m not even going to think of what happens after many dates, I’ll probably break out in hives at the idea of someone disturbing the tomb at this point after this long. Yeurgh.

Are there any other idiots out there who have successfully navigated this freeze fear and gotten into something approaching a good time? I’m not even desperate for a long term forever sort of thing, I’d just quite like to have some fun in my dotage.

In truth, I’d also like to convince myself that there wasn’t really anything wrong with me, I just wasn’t who he wanted in the end. Never really goes away, does it.

I'm several years down the line after 14 years with the kids dad. I did thrown myself into dating at the start to validate myself but quickly realised that wasn't healthy for me. Now I'm several years down the line I decided time was passing me by and I wanted someone in my life going forward. So back into on line dating

I had my non negotiable of what I wanted in a man. And kept boundaries. I've kissed a few frogs but have currently been seeing a genuine lovely man for a few months now

My suggestions are talk to a few people. Keep your options open if you can juggle it. Look out for red flags. Any thing makes you feel uncomfortable block them. Don't see it as dating. Just expanding your friends circle. Always meet just for a coffee first keep it short and sweet. And don't over think things.

“In truth, I’d also like to convince myself that there wasn’t really anything wrong with me, I just wasn’t who he wanted in the end. Never really goes away, does it. ”

love the way you put it.
The self esteem takes such a beating when you realise the person ( in my case) you invested so much of your life,love and had children with is not a bad person , just don’t want be with you.

wishing you all the best.
The advice from @unicornsarereal72 is very sensible (though in my case, I've been in a wonderful relationship for a year, and I have to thank my partner for letting certain red flags pass😅)
In my case - I joined match.com not long after separating from my XW. With my current partner (long may it last), our nervousness with dating and not knowing the game was part of the conversation (and I'm an autistic man as well so... Very much part of the picture). I'd be open about that. Not everyone's love life is a performance, despite what fiction might lead you to believe!
You will indeed expand your friends' circle. On match, and I think many sites are this way, the discussions were friendly and people who were not suited to each other would find out quickly and wish each other well, but some friendships also formed, kind of supporting each other online and occasionally f2f through the "game". Think of this less of looking for one person but there being men in your life and a social life that makes room for them. Some of them will be suitors... The rest will work out.

I think the issue more is that finding a decent man to go on a date with is like finding a needle in a haystack. Esp via apps!

I actually was surprisingly confident on dates after 12 years in a dead-end relationship. But, I was a bit of an easy target to “narcissistic” love bombing, and also younger guys wanting a bit of fun. So keep an eye out.

Having said that, some people meet someone great off the bat. Good luck!