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I don't want to clean AGAIN

61 replies

iwonderland · 21/06/2024 18:30

Ergh,

The boring single mum life, cooking, cleaning, washing and repeat every day, ALL day! Same shit different day.... 🙄 I can't be bothered to clean again already have today! It's so fucking tedious and boring 😞 just a repetitive life! Sometimes I wonder why I'm even here!!! Anyone else feel like this? I'm 33 have 4 kids and do it alone, no social life, no me time and no one has my children every once in a while soo I can either work or have a break no family help. Just sometimes wonder what the fuck this life is..... I do sometimes think to myself if I had known I was going to be alone in the future with 4 kids I wouldn't have had them.... yeah I'm lucky to have kids but my plan was never to be a single parent and have this boring tedious life I have 😞

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iwonderland · 22/06/2024 09:11

AloeVerity · 22/06/2024 09:05

I’d be making sure that each dad pays exactly 50/50 for the upbringing of their progeny. Then you’d be able to afford a cleaner. So sick of men expecting women to do their job. Have a child - pay for that child. Why should you get lumbered with all the donkey work?

Sooo my ex husband is going through CSA he has just after nearly 4 years given me my first payment of £100 but he has £3500 arrears to pay!! Balmy eldests dad has never given me a penny even when I was pregnant did it all myself he's 14 in two weeks! Honestly I hear you here! It's ok to make the family and be there for a while but it seems it's also ok for most men to fuck off to the next woman and leave the mother to it. It makes my blood boil too! I just hope my children all realise this when they are older and see that it was me that has done it all on my own and that has always been here I know my eldest has started to realise things as he makes comments. It's just awful that most women are just left to get on with it while they go about their life's it's just shocking isn't it? 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

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iwonderland · 22/06/2024 09:13

AloeVerity · 22/06/2024 09:05

I’d be making sure that each dad pays exactly 50/50 for the upbringing of their progeny. Then you’d be able to afford a cleaner. So sick of men expecting women to do their job. Have a child - pay for that child. Why should you get lumbered with all the donkey work?

Plus it's us women who have to make the sacrifices too like with work, social life's, bills and the rest! 🙄

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Boutonnière · 22/06/2024 10:01

Oh, you are quite understandably at the end of your tether 😕 A 1 year old generates enough work on their own and you can’t do much about that. The others , though, have grown that strange invisible ear flap that filters out ‘Mum nagging on and on about something ‘ but can hear ‘teas ready ‘ through several walls and that’s what you are going to have to get around.

Please be tidier or don’t be so messy are not going to work - they aren't going to see things in the same way as you and are not going to take joint responsibility for it with the other two. Make a few very specific rules as a start : Clean up after yourself when using the loo - shame them into doing this, would they leave that kind of mess in a friend’s house ? Clothes are to be put away/ neatly folded away separately from clean OR put in the laundry basket. Towels hung so that they dry. Food eaten at the table or with a tray or large plate if eating on the sofa fits your household better - no wandering around with a trail of crumbs.

Other actions might be more important to you. Whatever they are, start with a few, easily identifiable rules that you reinforce and when they consistently keep to them add in others like making their beds ( it’s a quick shake of the duvet and makes the whole room look tidier ) or things that impinge on others ( teenage daughters leaving make up or nail polish on every available flat service in the house was my bugbear - use it and put it away !)

I know you have hardly time to think straight at the moment but take a moment to think of the most important things that could make a difference - it’s not going to be an overnight transformation but even small improvements start adding up.

Best wishes, OP.

cheesypinwheel · 22/06/2024 10:01

I hear you OP, children are so messy 😫

I have autoimmune arthritis that makes doing lots of housework painful, so I've had to really work on this with mine in the last year and we do finally have it to a point where he does his bit (with a lot of stress along the way). I appreciate this is probably harder with four, but what worked for me was:

-kids like to feel grown up and important, so it helps (in my experience) to give them 'grown up' jobs- hoovering, cleaning the sinks, mopping (with one of those mops with a changeable pad so the water doesn't go everywhere).

-how you ask makes a difference IMO. I do a lot of 'oh gosh, I'm feeling so tired and I'm worried I can't manage all this tidying/cleaning on my own. Hmm, what a pickle, what on earth will I do????' Sounds absolutely ludicrous but there's normally an eager little person wanting to 'save the day' 😆

-lots of praise when they do something to help out, make a really big deal of it. It helps if they can see the benefit in helping out- 'wow, because you all helped me do xyz, I now have the energy to go to the park' etc etc. My DS loves being told that he's really made a big difference, how pleased I am that he's sensible enough to do xyz.

  • for tidying toys/craft stuff/whatever, that is the most boring task that most children hate (from my experience as a primary teacher). My trick is to say I've chosen a magic object- it's a secret, whoever finds it and PUTS IT BACK WHERE IT BELONGS is the winner. Cue frantic tidying. Once it's been found and put away, pick a new secret object, rinse and repeat until the room is clear. It works well with my kid at home, when I used to do it with classes it was like a plague of locusts had cleared the classroom 😆

-I also found it worked better not to 'nag' but to make sort of factual statements about what was wrong, and what I wanted to see. So, say there are food wrappers around, I'd call child over 'I see wrappers on the sofa, I feel disappointed because food wrappers should go straight in the bin. I'll feel really happy if I see you putting them in the bin without being asked next time.' Short and sweet, and then pointed stare until they go in the bin. Also helps if you give them a way to earn some positive recognition at the same time: 'hmm, while we're heading to the kitchen, I wonder if there's anything else you could take to be extra helpful? Ah yes, thanks Bob for picking up the cup, that's really helpful.' Then (I guess, anyway) they come away thinking 'I tidied up and mum was pleased with me' and not 'I'm messy and mum was cross'.

Appreciate all this is not exactly effort-free, but I found it less exhausting than nagging. I also appreciate that I probably sound barmy 😆 but just thought I'd share what worked for me because I tried EVERYTHING until I came to a formula that worked, mine is now quite tidy. Good luck OP!

StJulian2023 · 22/06/2024 10:24

Please ignore any unhelpful comments and draw from the useful ones. Life happens, doesn’t it? I didn’t expect my DH to die at 37 or my eldest to be ND. I’m struggling too. People have radically different circumstances and some seem unable to imagine what it might be like in another’s shoes.

Agree with those who said to take moments to yourself when you can. Also I know this is for classrooms really but I love this tidy up song and use it even when I’m on my own 🤣

Tidy Up Rhumba (Lyric Video)

Having trouble with kids tidying up after themselves? Well, you won't anymore as they dance and shake it all around to the rhumbatastic tune and make tidying...

https://youtu.be/e4cczzBsmZ4

CrispieCake · 22/06/2024 14:04

iwonderland · 22/06/2024 09:08

This is a good idea! Thank you. You know sometimes you just think MEHH I'll just do it because of the agg and drama but they do need to help all of you are right. I'll speak to them all today and say that we need to be a team and I can't do it all on my own and I'm not a maid. I have done this numerous times maybe I'm just not consistent enough 🤷🏼‍♀️

My 7yo is very fond of a bit of TV in the evening, so if he moans or doesn't cooperate, I just say brightly "What a shame! The TV will be going to bed early".

I don't nag, I don't moan, I don't negotiate, he just has a choice. Either he does as he is asked, or no TV. They'll soon fall in line if they realise you're not budging and in the meantime you can try to make it as fun as possible.

I know it's tough though... Sometimes I'd really prefer not to be all jolly-jolly and I just want to scream at the state of the place. I find music useful to calm me down.

StopInhalingRevels · 22/06/2024 20:17

iwonderland · 22/06/2024 08:31

My eldests dad hasn't seen him since he was 5 he's nearly 14! I had him when I was 19 soo he's a no go. The youngest twos dad again was together over 8 years married 6 months and he cheated on me and moved 4 hours away to be with her where he had another child he sees them every other weekend but when he has them I have the other two 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ah that sucks. At least the eldest is 14 though and if they aren't already helping out with chores, they need to be.

And sorry your mum is useless. Mine is also. I rage inwardly as she sneers at her siblings providing loads of childcare for their grandchildren. Not that I automatically expect that level, it's just so upsetting to see all my 6 cousins get weekends off and free childcare all week because their parents can't wait to have their grandchildren over. My mother? My twins are 4.5yrs old, she lives 15 minutes away, has never worked, and hasn't had them ever. Not once. She's too self absorbed. Even when I got really ill, she didn't offer once.

If the eldest dad is a no. And the youngest two are away every other weekend, what about the dad of the other child? The second eldest child I presume if you've accounted for the eldest and the youngest two?

CheeseyOnionPie · 22/06/2024 20:24

iwonderland · 21/06/2024 19:03

Yeah because it gets messy. Piss round the toilet seats, shit up the pan of the toilet, crumbs everywhere, things just constantly being left like bowls and cups and stuff.

You need to start teaching them to clean up after themselves. Toilet to be left clean. Dishes go in the sink. You’ll do them a favour because otherwise they will grow up and move out and become the dirty housemate that everyone hates.

Lovemusic82 · 22/06/2024 20:33

I feel your pain. Though I only have one dc left living at home, she has SEN’s and needs 24 hour supervision, she makes a mess and I have to clean/tidy every day or the house becomes a tip. I don’t have much of a social life either, I don’t currently work and can’t hold down a relationship because I don’t get time away from dd.

Like you….if I knew how hard it would be I wouldn’t have chosen to have dc, although I love them to bits parenting alone has been hard.

Starlightstarbright3 · 22/06/2024 20:47

iwonderland · 22/06/2024 09:08

This is a good idea! Thank you. You know sometimes you just think MEHH I'll just do it because of the agg and drama but they do need to help all of you are right. I'll speak to them all today and say that we need to be a team and I can't do it all on my own and I'm not a maid. I have done this numerous times maybe I'm just not consistent enough 🤷🏼‍♀️

I do something similar - we had tidy up time - we would do as much in 30 minutes as we could . If Ds did properly help after 30 minutes he could go back to whatever he wanted if he didn’t he would continue to help .

Rotas can also work .

I also do something inconvenient - so bowl left on the lounge floor - call Ds back downstairs to take it in the kitchen .

if I think he is walking away from a mess . I thought for one minute you were going to leave that wrapper there , the shoes in the middle of the lounge but i know you wouldn’t do that .

change the language - they are now zoning out to you .

Also self care - look into doing something for you . It might be sit down for 10 minutes when 1 year old has a nap , a skin care routine- something that is just yours .

final things hats off to you . I raised my Ds on my own with no help that was bloody hard , 4 is amazing . It’s bloody tough right now one day you will look back be proud of what you achieved .

iwonderland · 22/06/2024 20:54

Lovemusic82 · 22/06/2024 20:33

I feel your pain. Though I only have one dc left living at home, she has SEN’s and needs 24 hour supervision, she makes a mess and I have to clean/tidy every day or the house becomes a tip. I don’t have much of a social life either, I don’t currently work and can’t hold down a relationship because I don’t get time away from dd.

Like you….if I knew how hard it would be I wouldn’t have chosen to have dc, although I love them to bits parenting alone has been hard.

Yep my eldest has additional needs too, I'm the same relationships are a no go as I don't have time (not that I attract the right guys anyways) but yeah it's horrible isn't it? I've also just been unlucky with love etc if honest. I've kinda given up dating and meeting new people as such because it's pointless in my eyes. I literally have ZERO time

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