My son's day and I broke up a few years ago. Our son is now 6. He lives with me and sees his dad at weekends. About 18 months ago my son came back from a night away with his dad and grandparents (his dad's mum & stepdad) On his return he told me about the things they got up to. All sounded fine- however, at bedtime he said "I didn't like everything there" and I said "oh what did you not like?" (Thinking it might've been something he'd eaten etc..) to which he replied "I didn't like it when grandad kept calling me ugly."
Now, some background here- several months earlier he told a story that he had been called "ugly" by said grandad and when I'd probed further it sounded like they had driven through a town called Ugli and all the people in the car (other grandchild included) had been called "ugly" by grandad. At the time, I thought it was poor taste and not very funny but I put it down to poor judgement and assumed it was a one-off so I let it go.
This time however was significantly different. This time my son said he called him "ugly" in place of his name. And it was on many occassions. He even said "he's been saying it for ages even since I was four!" Although he did not cry telling me, his eyes were watery and his voice was shaky- I could tell he was holding back tears and that it was a big deal for him to tell me.
Now I will admit the rage I felt was like nothing I have felt before but I hid it from my son, did the bedtime routine, got him to sleep and called his dad. I said something along the lines of "I'm telling you now I'm fuming but I am trying my best to stay calm." I then proceeded to relay what I'd been told. Dad's initial reaction was denial- then admitted it happened but in the car and everyone got called it including their other grandchild (the incident that happened months earlier) My son had been the only child there that weekend.
After a heated conversation, I said I needed him to speak to the grandad and tell him it was to stop, my son didn't like it and that he was not to call him ugly ever again.
The next day came and went and he did not text or call me back when asked if he'd spoken to the grandad. I badgered him to let me know that he had spoken to him over the next few days. He then resorted to emailing and said I was accusing the grandparents of "bullying."
Eventually, after persistence from me, my son, his dad and I sat down at drop off and had a brief chat about it. His dad said the grandad was sorry and it wouldn't happen again.
The next month my son's dad stopped paying the £100 a month child support he had been paying (I suspect this came from the grandparents as he hadn't worked for over a year at the time) and they stopped seeing my son altogether. If I'm honest, that suited me and the £100 a month was a small price to pay to ensure my son didn't get called ugly any more.
Last year it had got to a year that they had not seen him- but out-of-the-blue, they popped back into his life.
The grandparents live between two homes: one in the town (near us) and one in the countryside. My son's dad lives in the grandparents' house near us. Now my son cannot avoid them as they are often there when he visits his dad.
Today my son was resistant to going at drop off and said he definitely did "not want to stay if they are there" in reference to the grandparents.
Now I'm left with a really uneasy feeling. The grandad is just odd. My son is not biologically his and I have seen the way he treats his own grandchild differently.
One example being when my son was 1: he was happily playing/ holding a toy for a few minutes when the 3 year old granddaughter suddenly decided she wanted it- so he proceeded to peel my son's fingers off the toy and hand it to his granddaughter. My son of course burst into tears. My worry is, if he can do that infront of me, what is he capable of when no one is around?
My son's dad has an odd relationship with his parents. He is scared to have an opinion- actually I'm not sure he has one unless he has consulted with his mum first. There is no way he would stand up to them if they did say or do something to our son that was wrong.
I just get a really unsettling feeling about him. The fact my son doesn't want to visit his dad when they are there speaks volumes.
So now I don't know what to do and I'm not sure there is anything I can do.
It just breaks my heart dropping him off knowing that he can't contact me and that there is no one there that will advocate for him if the grandad is horrible. I can't relax because I'm worried that he's not happy there. If I call his dad to see how he is, he doesn't answer and ignores my texts.
What would you do in this situation?