Father doesn’t want to see son

[Rosieroo27]

I’m sorry I don’t know where to post this please advise if wrong

So I’m separated from my children’s father . My oldest 8 is on the way to having an adhd assessment . He has had a couple of appointments and they feel he definitely meets the criteria . Over the last couple of months he has got completely out of control which is really difficult to manage . Lots of violence , anger and difficult behaviour. Lashing out at me in particular. I know this is normal and I know and can see my son is struggling but as you all know it’s such a slow process getting support .

My two spend Saturday afternoon to Sunday midday with there dad , his dad is now struggling with his behaviour which I can understand. Now he has said he has had enough and doesn’t want my eldest at weekends , which breaks my heart for my son.

I don’t know what to do in this situation especially with my youngest . I don’t how I can send one child and not the other . My eldest will feel not wanted and my youngest will wonder why he is going and not the other . I’ve been managing this for a couple of years now and trying to get help and now my ex is starting to have to handle his behaviour for a few weeks his washing his hands of it .

This is not rant against my ex but I’m worried of the impact on my children and how to deal with it

How do I navigate and deal with this situation ?

Hi, mum to an ADHDer here.

Mine really started "the behaviour" 😁 at about 8 too, so I feel your pain. His father sounds like a prime prat though, thinking he can ditch a child. You never get a break, yet he can opt in to being a parent, he's one of those men.

Anyway, enough of what I think of the dickhead.

Whilst I wouldn't do this for any of my NT children, I would do the following for my ADHDer in your shoes:

Send neither child. And explain very calmly that it's because daddy can't have that behaviour. Don't make a big deal out of it. With ADHD the instruction/message needs to be brief and to the point or they won't register it. "Sorry, daddy can't have that behaviour again, and it's not fair for just John to go, so you both miss this weekend but he's looking forward to next weekend if you can behave again." Then move on, don't dwell. Your son will reflect on it in his own time. And you may find you have to do this about ten times over the next few months for it to sink in. It will, to a point.

I had to do stuff like this with ds allllll the time. The only thing that ever affected his actions was consequences that directly affected him. Ignore the NT parents pearl clutching at what an awful thing to do, respectfully, they have no idea what we're dealing with. It's nothing like NT parenting.

For what it's worth, 8-10 is tricky, 11-14 is unbearable (sorry) but at 15/16 something subtly changes and the aggression subsided. Lots of our peers in our ADHD parenting group have found this, with boys. DS is a wonderful young man, and five years ago I could never have imagined myself saying that, as I picked up shards of yet another piece of broken furniture. It's hard. Really hard. But he will get there ❤️

Sending solidarity x