Do your DC have contact with the other parent on the days they are with you?

[User109876]

If you have 50/50 shared care do your DC ring/facetime the other parent on the days they are with you?

Ex wants DS to ring them and has sent a mobile phone. But I think it's confusing for DS and disruptive. I think ex wants this for their own aims and not thinking of the best interests of DS.
Recently divorced and living separately. DS is 5 and trying to settle him into his new routine in the best way possible for him.

Both my kids were older than yours when we split (11 and 9) so have always had phones to contact their father whenever they wanted. DD called whichever parent she wasn't with to say goodnight every night until she was 12 and probably speaks to us daily still, or messages. I would say it also depends on their relationship before they split. Mine never do more than 3 nights away from me and have only been away 7 nights once when they went away and they were getting uncomfortable by day 6. I think 7 days is a long time to be away from your primary carer at that age, if one parent was previously doing the majority of care at home before the split.

Sorry, I don't know how to edit. I meant to say a long time to be away without any contact at all, not just to be away, so understand why calling would be helpful. Obviously 7 days works for lot of shared care families.

My 3 children live with me and stay with their Dad every other Saturday night. He was trying to insist on nightly videocalls at a set time (was very pushy in mediation about this) but it just wasn't practical.

To begin with the children found it very unsettling, their Dad would spend the whole time on the phone either complaining about me or telling them how sad and lonely he was. It unsettled them and would then take them the rest of the evening to relax. We settled on videocalls twice mid week, he then sees them one evening midweek and also calls them at the weekend when they are with me.

Now the children are older, two of them have their own phones so can message and call when they want. DD often sends a goodnight text but oldest DS doesn't usually want to text or talk to his Dad in the week. Ex gets very angry or upset if they don't want to talk on the phone. In our situation he is definitely doing it for his benefit not the kids, when they are on school holiday he rings multiple times a day and often rings on the days we agreed not to have calls because of the kids activities so I don't answer the phone in those days.

If you do 50/50 shared care I think the need for phonecalls would really depend on the routine you have and how many days at a time DS is away from each of you. How old is your DS?

I would hate to not speak to my children for a week at a time, and I think they’d say the same, so i can understand why he wants to have contact (if you do week on, week off that is). 5 years old is far too young to have a mobile phone though, so any contact should be through you.

Depends on the age/how many days away etc. My DH has had a variation of 50:50 since DSD was 2 but she’s never away from one parent for longer than 2 or 3 nights, except for holidays.

When we first met when she was just short of three she was totally disinterested in FaceTime or phone calls with either parent when she wasn’t with them, she was totally focussed on the person there in front of her and getting her to engage was hard even on holiday if she hadn’t seen them for a week. It was hard for both DH and her Mum at times.

As she’s got older though (now 9) this has changed a bit more naturally and now she’ll chat to DH when with her Mum and vice versa. Neither of them force it though - if she’s got news to share or wants to tell them about something then she knows she can call but set days/times would be difficult and disruptive I think. I also would never allow a 5 year old access to their own mobile phone! DH and his ex text each other daily when she’s with the other parent, a literal “how was her day?” type thing and this works well too. It’ll probably wane as she gets older and gets her own phone. Could you agree to do a FaceTime every couple of days or a quick daily check in? I wouldn’t shut it down completely (you might want to speak to your DS on his time too) but wouldn’t over commit either.

How many days is he with each parent ?

I don’t have 50/50 but ex made the kids call home when he took them on holiday (7-14 days )

When my DS wanted to talk he did. We didn’t usually have regular calls at that age. They tend to get in the swing of wherever they are. But my DS was rarely away from either of us for more than a few days. His long is he away from his DD for?

Daughter does now, via her own phone, she's 11.
Son has a phone, but it's never charged as he doesn't care about it, so no. He's 13.

Neither had contact before having their own phones.