How can I make my children feel better?

[WhatASurprisee]

I have an older child who is autistic and has challenging behaviour, today I took my children to a local festival and we was there for about 3 minutes before we had to leave because she started kicking off screaming and crying for no obvious reason (wasn't noise or crowds we go to busy places all the time) my other children are now crying upset and angry and my other children told me he hates her. I feel sorry for my other children this isn't a one off it's a constant thing and we always have to leave places due to her. My kids are upset, they are younger than her so no they don't understand and even then I can't see many children understanding needing to leave somewhere 3 minutes after arriving, how can I help my other children I feel sad for them constantly having to miss things couldn't even take them on holiday ever because I couldn't manage her so again my kids have never been on holiday. How can I make them feel better? Or make it easier on them they miss out on a lot of things.

how old are the children?

Take your younger children out on their own ? That way they can enjoy the event and your eldest daughter can have a peaceful time too

Where's the child's father? Could your autistic older child be left with him/grandparents now and then, to allow you to take your other kids out?

This is the lone parent board her father isn't involved. I can't take them out alone who would she be left with?

Does she have a social worker?

You perhaps need to speak to them about organising some regular respite for her (with a foster carer who she builds a relationship with over time) so that your other children can have some normal childhood experiences with you.

This will beneficial if you ever need the help for any other reason too, like you need to be admitted to hospital, or one of your other children does, or any number of other reasons.

No we are not involved with social services.

Bless you, I'm so sorry that sounds really hard.

While not as difficult as your situation, I can empathise as my middle son is very coffin my other 2 children, and navigating family life with him can be so hard and tiring. By the end of today unwound have spent about 18 of the last 72 hours at the park.

I don't have much practical advice especially as my son has no diagnosis and I do have a partner so I can split the children up as needed, but one thing I will say is contingency, contingency, contingency.

I lug a boatload of stuff out with me in order to mitigate/premempt as many deviations to a peaceful day as possible. Screens, food, toys, fidgets, spare clothes, etc. Escape routes and planned diversions thought of ahead of time.

Are there any ways to plan events your DC like going to that would allow you to cope with and be allowed to leave the younger DC to do their thing? Are their soothing items you could bring your DD you wouldn't normally want to bring out? I'm thinking in a festival setting, is there an accessible/sensory area or empty/fringe space you could go to while your DD blows over?

Sending solidarity and sorry for the poor advice; I do know how hard it can be to have a DC who takes so much more parental input than others.

I would suggest you seek a support network. You do need help with your children, otherwise the younger ones will miss out. Do you have friends or family close by? Would one of the parents of one of your younger children be willing to take them?
Are you claiming all the benefits you can? Can you use that money to get a babysitter? I know qualified Nannies who do babysit SEN children, starting out for brief times until you and your older child know and trust them.
I would also ask about getting your younger children added to the list of young carers, I didn't do this for my older children as I didn't realise they qualified but it would have been so good for them to get the occasional extra treat.

And yes it is hard, that you all just can't do some things "most" families can.

I have friends and family but none of them will have my children including family so that's not an option, they won't have or look after my children they are not that type of family unfortunately!

How are things financially? I'd be approaching care agencies that work with children and getting a quote for a few hours a month at the weekend so you can take the other children to something alone. It will cost though. The alternative is asking social services but where I live you have to be on the point of total collapse before they'll help you.

Also look into a Young Carers group near you, they will support children in this position.

Could you use your DLA to pay for this OP?

When you arrive I would go somewhere quieter to acclimatise, take a picnic blanket and sit and have some food and drink whilst she gets used to where she is,don't just turn around and go home. If there's a map of the venue get that so she can help plan what you are going to do and see

Take a teen babysitter with you who can supervise your other children.

Get a disabled children's pushchair even if she has no mobility issues so she can have the hood pulled right over, noise cancelling headphones on and a tablet / book to watch/ read to help manage the sensory overload. Allowing you to get on with the other children.

Definitely seek respite care through social services. It is such a hard situation for you to balance but you must balance it for the sake of your other children as well as for yourself. Parenting is a long slog at the best of times but parenting v a child with such challenging behaviours as well as other children is more than one person should do alone, for everyone's sake.
You weren't specific about your DC's ages, that will help any of us with professional or personal experience in suggesting useful services to you.
Please, whatever you do, don't feel like asking for help is wrong / weak / betraying your daughter or anything negative. It's a really positive step that, although the journey may be bumpy, will take your family to a better place. All the best.

thanks all no I can't afford any sitters at all their father doesn't pay any maintenance yes I get dla but that makes up for the fact her father doesn't provide a penny for her or any of them so there is simply nothing left over and I am in my overdraft every month, if I had to pay someone to come with us I would rather just not go as I don't have the money to justify that. I more meant how I can help them emotionally cope with it

How old are all of your children?

I know this may be seen as controversial or a bad idea but, when your eldest is at school one day can you keep the others off and do something with them? You don't need to rely on any other childcare then. Would definitely be a mental health day for them 😃 x

shes home educated so unfortunately that wouldn't be an option but would have been a nice idea

You can’t train your other children out of having their own emotional needs, if that’s what you’re asking? Children who have that happen to them suffer long term consequences on their emotional and social development.

They are right to want and need experiences, your occasional undivided attention, your love and care-free happy moments; you need to find ways to make that happen for them.

Is there a Young Carers service near you? They offer support to siblings. Otherwise have you looked for ASD support groups near you? They often run activities/day trips for families free or v cheap with volunteers to help with your children. These can be great to network and find your tribe too.

Hi OP, I’m in a very similar situation, I get it.

Can you tell us the ages of your children? Whilst you can’t train your younger children out of their emotions, you can help them at least process their feelings. How you do that depends partly on how old they are, and what works for your family / each individual child.

If going out is hard, can you create special times and activities at home? Get your autistic child settled and then do some baking / art / music / other fun activities with your other children?

Although not ideal, if you are frequently having to abandon trips out, and doing so causes strong negative emotions in your younger ones, maybe leave off going out on trips for a year or two?

Sorry I didn't ask how to train them out of their emotions I meant how can I help them deal with their emotions/ process their emotions, even if I was the get respite it's only a couple of hours a month anyway so they will still be missing out on loads of things and I can sense their resentment, respite isn't going to be a magic cure as they still won't be able to have holidays etc and as said it's only a couple of hours a month there's still the rest of the month / school holidays etc. other children are 12 10 and 7 I was asking how to help them with the situation as they tell me they don't like her because she cries all the time and not everyone qualifies for respite I tried in the past and was told I don't qualify

I can't imagine how tough it is, sorry it's happening! I know you've said respite is only a couple of hours a month but that couple of hours might help your children more than you think and 2 hours is better than none.
I would maybe book into GP and see what help is available, they might offer counselling for your other children or something like that and support from other agencies. There is help as others have said for young carers too so they might be able to send off some referrals for you all as a family x