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what age did you let your child visit the father and then stay over ?

16 replies

lou222 · 06/04/2008 16:05

not had the baby yet but just thinking ahead
as he wants to stay here a few weekends when i've had the baby which i don't want.
just wondered at what age you felt comfortable with the father having the baby on it's own. he lives a couple of hours away so hard to pop over for a visit.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
allgonebellyup · 06/04/2008 16:23

my dd was 4 ,but this was because her dad didnt show any interest from the age of 2-4.

seeker · 06/04/2008 16:26

As soon as he wants to if the baby is bottle fed - as soon as not being bf if bf. He is the father - he has (however ufortunately in some cases) he has as much right to spend time with his child as you do.

shelleylou · 06/04/2008 16:26

my ds stayed at his dads from when he was 11 months up till a few weeks ago this was alternate weekends though as he lives 1 1/2 hours away

lou222 · 06/04/2008 16:42

thanks for your replies
i do plan on bfeeding
but I also won't deny him access just don't want him staying over with me and wondered what everyone thought was an ok age!

OP posts:
shelleylou · 06/04/2008 16:55

You could always express and freeze it so he can see the baby. Can he not get a b&b or hotel room near you in the early days.

dylsmum1998 · 06/04/2008 18:28

my dd stayed with her dad over night for the first time at a just over a year old, but we lived over 300 miles away when we first split so want easy to do the over night thing before. we only live a couple of miles apart now and she stays every other weekend.

i know someone who's baby stayed over night with dad from a couple of months old and baby was fine about it. he wasnt bf tho so dont know how that ight affect things.
my dd was bf and wouldnt let anyone else feed her, so had we split early on it would have made things very difficult for her to stay with her dad overnight

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 06/04/2008 18:30

The father, what dreadful term, what ever your history, unless he is abusive to your child he is a father and not a sperm donor.

Rosasmum · 06/04/2008 18:54

Bree - I don't think that is very helpful post, lou22 can refer to the father of her child however she wants to.

lou222 · 06/04/2008 19:01

thanks rosasmum
what an odd thing to post bree - yes he is the father
why on earth is that such a dreadful term??
you've then gone on to contradict yourself and refer to him as a father not a sperm donor
how strange!

OP posts:
Rosasmum · 06/04/2008 19:47

If the courts are involved, overnight access isn't usually granted until the baby is at least a year old. My daughter is 20 months and because her Father didn't put in the time when she was younger, he only sees her for a few hours a week and need to build up hi time with her gradually until she is happy enough to stay overnight. His other daughter stayed overnight with him from 12 weeks old, she is now 8.

You are well within your right to not want / let the father stay at your home when he visits. Could he stay with any friends or family, or he will have to look into b&b's. The first few months are especially tiring and babies sleep a lot of the time. The is no need for the Father to be at your house when your lo is asleep. That is time for you to catch up on your sleep / life.

If he wants to be around for a whole day or so, get him to do the supermarket run, and ask him to contribute if you are going to feed him regularly. Start out as you mean to go on.

As you intend to bf, this will limit the time you can be away from your lo especially at first. No one can force you to give your lo formula or make you express more than you are comfortable with. Having said that, a few hours 'off' can be very refreshing, whether you have a nap or chat with other adults about non-baby matters, you can use the time he spends with your lo effectively.

I wouldn't put anything in stone at the moment and I really wouldn't worry about overnight access. The contact your lo has with its Father will depend on your lo as much as the father's actions. Take is week by week, then month by month. It really is about how you feel and not what other people think. I didn't feel happy to leave my lo until she was 4 months old and that was only for a couple of hours. Some Mums have one back to work with in 3 months. Don't let the Father pressure you into anything you aren't happy with, take time to consider anything, you never have to give an immediate answer. Babies don't understand schedules or preset arrangements and quite often go out of their way to upset them!!! Babies need their Mum's, they are their first recognisable sound, smell, touch and comfort and you will know whether your lo is happy to be with its father.

Work out how you want it to go, what you are happy with and what you don't want, Be strong.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 06/04/2008 20:21

Nothing odd about it.

lou222 · 07/04/2008 10:22

well then bree if there is nothing odd about it could you please answer the question why is 'the father ' such a dreadful term when you have then gone on to use the term yourself ?
everyone else has refered to the father as his dad or her dad as i would probably have done had i known the sex of my child.
please don't come on here flinging insults around and then not explaining what on earth you mean.

rosasmum
thank you for your intellingent insult free response. I don't want to deny the sperm donor - sorry father !! his rightful access but wanted to know what the norm was as i was worried about leaving a young baby with him and wondered what everyone else had done.
buliding up the time gradually is a good idea and i will suggest a b & b to him !
but like you say nothing has to be set in stone yet
thanks again for your helpful reply

OP posts:
lostdad · 07/04/2008 10:31

I can't comment on the OPs post seeing as the baby hasn't been born.

However, I find it puzzling that it's not appropriate for my son to stay overnight with me even though it was, right up to the point she left, taking him with her.

Anyone would think she had ulterior motives.

gillybean2 · 07/04/2008 10:49

I would suggest firstly that you tell him you are not comfortable with him staying at your house overnight and that other arrangements will need to be considered. Also let him know that you intend to bf and as such there isn't very much point in him being there at night anyhow as you will be the one who has to get up regardless and him being there isn't really going to add very much too it except make you both tired when he could get a good nights sleep and then have baby for you in the day when you need to sleep.

How do you feel about him being there during the day? Is this about him being in your home or about nights?

Breastfeeding is something you do on demand. If this is your first one you will quickly discover (no-one tells you before hand) that baby will feed at least every three hours and may take as long as an hour to feed. So in reality that is around 2 hours between feeds. Bf babies don't go by the three hour rule that bottle fed babies do too, so you could be feeding more than this. However the good news is you will likely have a much happier baby if you bf, especially at night where you can simply roll over, pick up baby and let them latch on, rather than have to stumble around turning on lights, finding bottles and making up formula, warming it up, steralising bottles etc...

I bf and i couldn't express very easily. Also bear in mind that you are then giving that expressed milk to the baby via a bottle which is a different experience for the baby than breast is. Some don't like it, and some prefer it and might reject the breast as a result. So please don't think or listen to people who say that expressing is easy or something you should be expected to do to make like easier for others or for yourself. Think carefully and weigh up your options.

As to how much time baby should spend with dad, the answer is short but frequent. If he can come by a couple of times a day and stay for an hour or so, or take the baby out for a walk (even if it's just round the shops to get some shopping for you) then try and go with that.

Remember that if this is his first baby he will likely have no clue as to feeding routines, that expressing isn't something you can just do, and just how tiring it can be, more so if baby is not a good sleeper. You need to sleep when baby does and will pretty much be a zombie for a few months on a routime of sleep for a couple of hours wake for a while, sleep again...

It's good that he wants to be an important part of babies life and you should do all you can to encourage it if possible, but if you're not together you really need to sit down now before baby arrives and work out how you both see this working and the practicalities of it all. And be prepared to change everything once baby arrives and the realities of parenthood sink in!

Good luck
Gilly

lou222 · 07/04/2008 19:26

thanks gilly
had no idea bf would take so long !! - but i'm determined to do it.

one of the resons i don't want him to stay is cos he seems to be doing it out of a sense of duty rather than him wanting to be here.
He says he has to come and stay because i will not cope!!! which just infuriates me. he has also told me this is whats happening rather than ask me.
i don't mind him being around for a few hours but all he does is sleep and watch tv so i don't want to be babysitting him aswell as the baby.
I basically just don't like having him around but am determined to do what's right by him and best for the child.
I also have lots of friends who will help me out so am not worried about coping alone .
thanks for your reply
lou

OP posts:
alittleone2 · 07/04/2008 20:49

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