Our relationship ended over a year ago but yet we still argue on a weekly basis...

[snotbuster]

I am, of course, referring to XP. We have to have some contact due to both being DS's parents. Fed up with it. Venting. Any advice very welcome.

Do you argue in front of the kids?

i have this too, although in the past month we have practically managed to stop all contact, which is a good thing. It all stems from me still having feelings for him and feeling frustrated that we cant get back together.

What do you argue about? Is it possible to not talk to each other unless about access arrangements?

Try very hard not to argue in front of DS (only see each other when handing him over and impossible to arrange this any other way). We have an arrangement to speak once a week on phone (after DS's bedtime) to discuss parenting issues. This is often broken - i.e this phonecall deteriorates into discussion of past/present grievencies and becomes an argument or one of us phones the other at another point during week about date/time change and that then turns into bickering.
We were like this during the whole time we were together (hence we're not anymore!) and it feels like a habit - that we just can't relate in an adult fashion - or not for very long.
Have been reflecting overnight that I really need to stick to speaking to him during the arranged phonecall only. Also, my current issues with him are mostly around the way he looks after DS when he has contact and I maybe just have to accept that I can't change what he does. It's not perfect (no daytime naps, too much TV etc) but not life-threatening either.
I also resent the freedom XP has (to have a social life and new girlfriends) as I rarely get to go out in the evenings. There are good reasons why he doesn't have DS overnight and I have insisted on it being this way - so guess I need to learn to keep my feelings to myself.
Sorry for very long post - answering my own questions really but it's quite helpful to write it down like this.

The fact that you have answered your own questions does not remove your need to vent about it all!

You can't control how he takes care of DS unless you feel he is putting him in danger so let it go (easier said than done but parctice does help!).

Force yourself to be the grown up, parctice "I am not oging to argue, we can contine this phone conversation tomorrow" or words to that effect. Do not allow him to drag you down into the same old rubbish, stand tall, breath deep and take control!

I knwo exactly what you mean about being jealous about their ability to have a life, it is hard, but the fact is you wouldn't have it any other way would you?

Vent freely here and be super-woman when he shows up at your door - it will make you feel 10 miles high trust me

and I will go and practice spelling and typing

Thankyou yorkishbirdy - good advice. My moaning at him does no good anyway - I went on and on about DS watching too much Cbeebies at his house and his response was to proudly tell me that he's now bought a DVD player for DS's use. We're just not on the same page.

I am often tired and therefore irritable and XP still seems like the appropriate person to take this out on. I need to 'get a life' (as he's always telling me) or come here to vent instead I think.

I think there will always be something or you (in fact all of us) would still be together. This week I had to tell kids sorry daddy is not coming becuse he has a cold, inteligent son answers "but so do you mummy and I have too" DS been on cold tabs for the past three days but still at school as he is not too bad, so being told sorry daddy has a cold didn't impress him much. Last week he went to a show with his girlfriend ont he night he sees them both, he was alomost smug when he told me, what am I too tell the kids, sorry daddy went to see a show?

Feck it you have to rise above it.

I think, when things have broken down between parents, it is too easy to see the other parent as the cause of all frustration and the ideal target for any niggles. If you had not had children you would have gone your seperate ways and got on with your lives end of story. Having a child means you cannot do that and all those frustrations you get at the end of a relationship that you would previously have whinged out to a girlfriend/your mother or seen off with a really good night out are magnified and made more difficult to deal with. Added to which you have to deal with losing control of a certain portion of your childs life.

It is never easy and it is the easiest thing in the world for me to preach at you with allthe right answers (all of which you know anyway), however, it is the hardest thing in the world to put it all into practise. FOr me that key point was when I realised how good and in control I felt the day he tried to start a row and I decided not to take part (I failed the next few times though!). What I realised was that, to engage with him I had to care about him in some way - or still be tied to him soemhow. So, I made the concious decision not to care, I vented here and to friends I bit a hole in my tounge on several occasions and counted more or less to infinity and back! Very quickly he realised he was not going to get a rise outof me (and his immediate reaction was that I must be screwing someone - cue drama and outbursts) eventually though he gave in and it became easier.

He still iritates me almost every time he goes through my head as he is forever doing idiotic things but now I just grumble to myself, shrug my shoulders and move on. It takes time and effort, but it is possible.

As for not showing up Scramble, if your children are old enough tell them the truth, Daddy got tickets for a show, I guess it must have been sold out other nights - your children will learn the truth eventually and it is better that they do not see you defending him. However it is equally important that you are not seen to condem him either. If they are not old enough then just tell them he cannot come and that you will call him to try to arrange another time - be neutral about him, it will serve you in the long run when they realise Daddy is an idiot and Mummy is kind and fair!

just read that back and it sounds rather like a lecture sorry

Hope it helps a little bit if you can manage not get too annoyed at pompous me!

i think, from my own experience this year, that you should maybe try to cut out the phone calls so you dont have the chance to vent at each other.

Are either one of you still keen to get back together/have unresolved feelings? as that is what often causes the arguments between me and my ex.

Oh I am as neutral as possible, difficult when I am am totaly bunged up with the cold and trying still having to work and taxi the kids to their activities, finish an assignment, fly on monday then take the kids on holiday involving me driving for hours at the end of the week, but exH can't drive 50 mins to see them or get on a train.

DS is getting old enough to see what his dad is like I think. I am fed up chasing him to make arrangments.