How much time "should" ds (3) spend with his dad when he's very attached to me?

[Twoddle]

Ex-dp and I separated four months ago. Until now, he hasn't been set up to have ds overnight, but as of today, is.

Ds (3) is OK with the idea of spending the odd night with his dad, but I can't imagine him faring well if we did what some parents do - splitting the parenting 50:50, say. I think ds and I would find that really difficult, and so would my ex, logistically, with his work. Even ds spending a whole weekend away from me would be a big deal for him, I suspect.

So since ds is happy at home (he and I are still in the family home), and he's seeing his dad a few times a week, which he seems happy with, and sometimes for an overnight - should ds be spending more time/nights with his dad because it might be usual to in this kind of situation?

I suppose the downside of this arrangement - which grates - is that where my ex tends to see ds for relatively short bursts, it's all fun, novelty time.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how else to organise Dad time with a three-year-old who's essentially very attached to Mum (and probably she to him too )?

Thanks.

My ds1 (4) goes to daddy every Friday night until Saturday lunchtime, that way he gets to see him lots, but isn't away for too long at any one time.
He then goes for the odd full weekend, and on holiday with him once a year.
In reality, whatever time he has with daddy will be novelty time, be that a day or a week, it still won't be 'routine' for him.

There is no right or wrong, you can only do what is best for you, ex-dp, and ds

My step sons were aged 4 and 2 when their parents separated. Every weekend - Saturday morning through till Sunday tea time they spent with their Dad, staying every Saturday night. They are now 9 and 11 and in my view not 'attached' to either parent and have not been since they were aged 6 and 8 (when I first met them)

Thanks, Pillock. (Like the name. )

Your arrangement sounds workable for us too, tbh: a loose routine (the Friday night), with other odd bits ad hoc.

A friend with grown-up kids and still happily married to their dad reassured me that, even when a couple are married, Dad is often the "fun time" parent. So I suppose this would happen to a degree, whatever our/anyone's circumstances.

I worry that ds will end up favouring Dad over me because of the fun bias in their relationship. We do fun stuff, and everyday stuff, and I suppose that's realistic and as it'll have to be.

Lasvegas, do you see this non-attachment as a positive thing, with respect to your step sons? It's typical, developmentally, for a three-year-old to be fairly strongly attached to their primary care giver. I can see, ultimately, ds being as happy spending time with either of us, but at the moment, at the age he's at, he seems to derive more security from being with me, or at least not apart from me for too long (as Pillock describes). So we're thinking of sticking to the shorter Dad visits while ds's small, and lengthening them to long weekends and weeks away with Dad as he gets older, more independent and less attached to me. I suppose there are no rules in this less-than-ideal situation, so you handle it in what you think is the best way.

you are me!!! my ex dh has my ds for Sat and one night after work (he brings ds home to me to bath etal) they have a grand ole time... but meanwhile my dh has a social life and i have none...

Being a single mom is the worst... I still can not believe that this is my life! It is so far from where I started out it is amazing - very much sucks.

nyc - depends on which way you look at it really- it's the worst cos we can't go out when we want, can't have an actively buzzing social life, but on the other hand we have our children with us all the time, we're the ones teaching them their way in world, it's us they turn to to have their tears wiped, so in that respect being a single mum is the DS's achievements are all my hard work no one elses.

DS sees his dad every other weekend I stay at home usually on the friday night, sat day I'm out, and come home sunday morning at some point. DS seems to be OK with this - the first few times were hard and I suffered terribly as DS was terribly clingy. We've jsut had a week of DS being with his dad at my house & i've been popping in and out randomly, it's been lovely to have DS running up to me for a cuddle, and whilst I didn't miss him as much as I thought I would (prob as I was in every day for an hour or two) for DS it was too long - after 5 days it was getting harder to leave him when he was crying for me to come and take him with me.

So althou I was pleased H had the chance to be a 'proepr' dad, I was on hand to take over if needed, DS ulitmatly pushed his luck on the mon & tues but has since settled down again, so if you ask me, a weekend is OK but any longer at this stage would be too much - we won't be doing it again like that for a while.

If your son is happy with things as they are why change. he sees his dad enough from what you have said, so who is now not happy with the current arrangement?

BTW My son is 9 and is attached to me, wont stay overnight with dad at all anymore(used to do but attachment to me got worse, not better).

Psychologist said that having no overnight with dad wont do him a bit of harm. in fact he said if he never saw him at all it would not damage him, I try and encourage some kind of contact, son now sees him for the odd Saturday,all day.

Bear in mind that the standard arrangement dished out in court is every other weekend and half the hols, though it is becoming more common for a 50/50 arrangement to be achieved. This is usually reached by the time they are of school age. Perhaps you can work towards a similar arrangement (every other weekend and half the hols) by the time your child starts school.

It is not good for your child to be totally attached to you. How does he cope when you leave him with other people? Nursery or playschool for example. It will be a big shock for him when he starts school if he is not used to being apart from you for any length of time. You should try and ensure this transition is something he can cope with by encouraging him to spend time with others, his dad, grandparents, a friend, playschool...

Also the sooner he gets used to staying overnight with dad and it's normal and encouraged by you both the better imo. I know itmust be hard for you, I was a nervous wreck the first time my son stayed overnight elsewhere but he was fine and so was i once i got used to it.

Try speaking with your ex and finding out what he would like and what he thinks he can realistically manage and then see if you can find a compromise and work towards achieving that within the next 12 months. Incease the time slowely, it doesn't have to go from a few hours only to suddenly being with dad fri to mon. Build it up slowly so you can all get used to it and see if it works.

Best of luck
Gilly