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Original poster

Why is DS (2) only angry with me since separation???????

11 replies

wheredowegofromhere · 03/04/2008 11:06

DS?s father and I have separated recently and started 50% shared care for the last few weeks. DS alternates homes every 2/3 nights.

When he comes home with me he often has a major tantrum, nothing obvious seems to start him off and it is taking longer to calm him down. His father says that he wakes upset in the middle of the night but he?s fine otherwise, no tantrums.

I?m hoping that he will get settled but I fear that changing homes three times a week is too much. Or he?s just holding the tantrums for me

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littlewoman · 03/04/2008 11:17

Perhaps he is displaying his upset/anger/frustration with the person he feels safest with (i.e. you). My dd comes home as obnoxious as hell after only one night a week at her dad's (she's twelve). I just try to ignore it and carry on as normal.
Sorry couldn't be more help.

Miggsie · 03/04/2008 11:27

..teach him emotional language so he can express himself rather than a tantrum.
I started DD with "sad", "angry", "happy" etc. If he is too young for this try using a made up word like "bluggy" and pouting or crossing your arms and looking sad, which I used for this kind of mood with DD. There are some books also "everyone feels sad" "everyone feels angry" which help.
Also, if he is very likely to come home upset have a toy or cushion that he can hit, and you can also hit it yourself, a sort of "I'm unhappy" cushion where he can vent.
He is probably very confused and upset and can't express himself. He saves the tantrums for you as he must see you as the "safe" and "comforting" option for him but he cannot actually tell you the problem yet, so help him talk about it.
It also helps if you say "oh I felt sad today" or "I was a bit cross" or "I was happy" when talking to him every day so he realises he is not the only one who feels this way...my DD was shocked when she found out I cried "grown ups don't cry!" she said, so I told her they did sometimes, like when Granny died, she thought about it and said "so will you cry if grand dad died as well?" and I said "yes" and she often chats about how she felt about things in her day. It really helps young children to discuss these emotional things, far more useful than reading or writing for the under 5's!

littlewoman · 03/04/2008 11:56

Ok, that was more helpful . Well done Miggsie.

WendyWeber · 03/04/2008 12:16

Agree with lw & Miggsie that he is taking his feelings out on you because he is closest to you; but also agree with your fear that he is having to change house too often for his age.

Would you be able to manage 3 nights in 1 house and 4 in the other instead? I'm sure that would be easier for him to cope with - he would have a little more time to get used to being where he is before he has to move back again.

Good luck

littlewoman · 03/04/2008 13:52

Isn't that sad? Time to get used to where he is before he moves back again. You can understand the poor little man's feelings when you put it like that. Divorce is a bstrd for all concerned.

wildfish · 03/04/2008 14:14

There is also the possibility he is angry that where were you during those days.

littlewoman · 03/04/2008 14:37

That's a good point, Wildfish. Perhaps if you explained that mum is always at home, but dad needs to see him too or he will miss him terribly.

Original poster
wheredowegofromhere · 03/04/2008 15:55

I have told him that now Daddy and Mummy have their own home and that he is spending as much time with the two of us.

I was wondering if he was angry because Daddy wasn't here anymore (he's the one who moved out), however DS doesn't call out for Daddy.

How does alternating 3/4 works for weekends?

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Original poster
wheredowegofromhere · 03/04/2008 16:05

This 2/2/3 weekly arrangement is at XP's insistence. I think we'll have to review this, it's just too short.

I think that XP wanted regular contact, but not for too long so that it wouldn't take his life over, i.e. 7/7 (because you understand it's tiring work looking after a 2 Y.O.)

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WendyWeber · 03/04/2008 17:51

How do the 2 of you manage now with work and stuff? Do you both work? Does DS go to a childminder as well at all? Presumably your current arrangement lets you alternate weekends? I can see it's complicated.

Realistically your ex needs to put DS's welfare before his own wish for regular contact - when DS is a bit older and more able to understand the schedule you could switch back to a more frequent changeover, but meanwhile his little world has been turned upside down and he needs a bit of stability for a while.

Original poster
wheredowegofromhere · 04/04/2008 14:14

DS goes to his CM every day, that's the only constant in his little life at the moment. His father and I don't see each other actually, the changeover happen at his CM.

I need to look into the 3/4 arrangement and how it can be alternated

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