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Original poster

Punishment

19 replies

VelvetTurtle · 06/05/2024 18:59

Has anyone ever experienced their ex refusing to have your child/ren overnight to "punish" you? So you don't get time off or time to yourself because "you don't deserve it" and sees having the children as "doing you a favour" just wondered if anyone else has ever experienced this?

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright3 · 06/05/2024 19:29

My ex never had my child overnight but he was unfit .

The best advice I have seen on here is don’t let him know it bothers you . Book childcare.

It’s bloody hard but some men definitely won’t help because you are struggling . They are more likely to want it if you let them know you prefer it .

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 06/05/2024 19:46

I dread to even think how much an overnight sitter would cost 😣 trouble is he knows I have no one else that would have them and knows exactly what he is doing.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright3 · 07/05/2024 20:59

I never got to have a proper night out till Ds was in Beavers or went on sleepovers .

it might only be a few hours out is all you can get for now.

itsgettingweird · 07/05/2024 21:01

Just LOVE having the dc all the time.

Tell him you'll be getting csa to calculate maintenance based on the 365 and can't wait for that allowing cash for taking them away.

Tell him how it's the best thing ever and how you'll miss them so much if they had to go away for a night.

He'll soon change his tune.

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 07/05/2024 21:26

itsgettingweird · 07/05/2024 21:01

Just LOVE having the dc all the time.

Tell him you'll be getting csa to calculate maintenance based on the 365 and can't wait for that allowing cash for taking them away.

Tell him how it's the best thing ever and how you'll miss them so much if they had to go away for a night.

He'll soon change his tune.

It's been years so no sadly that won't be the case and he is on benefits so no maintenance

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright3 · 07/05/2024 21:53

Do you actually claim at all . It’s £7 a week . I get £30 a month .. It really is wilfully inadequate however it is payable from him.

WoodBurningStov · 07/05/2024 21:57

My advice is to never ask your ex to have the dc, this means he has the ability to ruin a night or day out.

Never let him know he's ruined plans or let you down.

Go grey rock, don't discuss your plans, speak only about the dc and make yourself the most bring person in the world to him.

Make your plans when they are at school, find a local sitter that can help. It doesn't last forever and your dc will be old enough to give you some free time before you know it

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 07/05/2024 22:15

Starlightstarbright3 · 07/05/2024 21:53

Do you actually claim at all . It’s £7 a week . I get £30 a month .. It really is wilfully inadequate however it is payable from him.

No I cancelled as he often had debts so didn't need to pay at all most of the time, think I had about 3 payments in 2 years so cancelled and don't plan to open it again

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 07/05/2024 22:16

WoodBurningStov · 07/05/2024 21:57

My advice is to never ask your ex to have the dc, this means he has the ability to ruin a night or day out.

Never let him know he's ruined plans or let you down.

Go grey rock, don't discuss your plans, speak only about the dc and make yourself the most bring person in the world to him.

Make your plans when they are at school, find a local sitter that can help. It doesn't last forever and your dc will be old enough to give you some free time before you know it

Unfortunately I would just sacrifice going out till they've grown up as I can't justify the cost of a babysitter I don't actually want a night out I want to just have a rest at home so paying a sitter would be pointless as I have nowhere to go anyway it was more just a night "off" that's needed.

OP posts:
turkeymuffin · 07/05/2024 22:18

Why would you cancel CSA claim? Even if he's not earning so then if he doesnt pay the minimum then arrears will accrue

WoodBurningStov · 07/05/2024 22:18

My 16 yr old DD baby sits for a local family, can you ask around, it’s cheaper than a childminder and it means you can just take a flask of coffee to the park for a few hours and sit and watch the world go by. Doesn’t have to be for a whole evening. Sometimes an hour alone is better than nothing

BertieBotts · 07/05/2024 22:22

It's very common - never ever rely on your ex for childcare. If you do plan anything while they have the DC, don't ever let on that you have plans.

Controlling men often continue to control by any avenue they have which is generally the children. Grey rock is exactly right - be very very bored by him and act as though whatever he does is completely inconsequential and has no effect on you, you don't mind whether he does or not.

The second they get a sniff of a hint that something might bother you, that is their cue to do it/not do it (whichever direction will bother you).

ByUmberViewer · 07/05/2024 22:22

It's horribly common.

Ultimately it's his loss. What sort of parent won't spend time with their own kids just to point score.

aerkfjherf · 07/05/2024 22:23

Its his loss, he is losing out on his kids, and he wont have a relationship with them as adults

Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 07/05/2024 22:39

turkeymuffin · 07/05/2024 22:18

Why would you cancel CSA claim? Even if he's not earning so then if he doesnt pay the minimum then arrears will accrue

Because he was on benefits and didn't have to pay. The arrears were pittance and I don't need the money would never see it anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetTurtle · 07/05/2024 22:41

BertieBotts · 07/05/2024 22:22

It's very common - never ever rely on your ex for childcare. If you do plan anything while they have the DC, don't ever let on that you have plans.

Controlling men often continue to control by any avenue they have which is generally the children. Grey rock is exactly right - be very very bored by him and act as though whatever he does is completely inconsequential and has no effect on you, you don't mind whether he does or not.

The second they get a sniff of a hint that something might bother you, that is their cue to do it/not do it (whichever direction will bother you).

I'm not relying on him for childcare they are his children he isn't childcare he is their father.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 07/05/2024 22:53

Right... but in this context, it IS childcare for you because you're talking about having time off, and him withdrawing this, as a "punishment" to control you, as though it's a favour he's doing you. Caring for your own child is a childcare responsibility, anyway. I obviously didn't mean it in terms of paid childcare like a childminder.

I understand the point that he's not babysitting, but a lot of separated parents split childcare duties between them to cover work schedules etc. Because he is not reasonable, my point is that you need to have your own back up system for this if you want to go out, or for work etc. Never rely on him for it as it just gives him power that you don't want him to have over you.

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 17/05/2024 00:05

Oh wow, I didn’t realise it was just my ex who did this.
He barely sees the DC anymore as it is, but that’s because he’s a cockwomble.

I like the idea of getting a baby sitter so you can sit in the park for a few hours, sounds very peaceful.

Like PPs try and get to a point where you don’t have to rely on him for anything, take his control away. Easier said than done when you’re on your own with the D.C. but it’s doable if you persevere.

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 17/05/2024 00:07

@VelvetTurtle I just saw your post about he isn’t childcare…we know this, but he may think he’s babysitting for you. That’s how a lot of these sort of men think I’m afraid.

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