Becoming a single parent to 3 children and working full time with a very difficult ex partner

[Erber]

Not sure if this is the correct place, but I couldn't find the relationships board and there seemed no other appropriate place to put this.

I am soon to become a single parent to 3 children, aged 10, 6 and 13 months. Our relationship has been difficult for a very long time and I would have ended it years ago. My partner doesn't want the relationship to end and keeps making things very difficult. He refuses to leave even though he has family nearby that he could stay with. He knows I can't afford to move with our children and have no support and he has used this to try and remain together. He has been sleeping in the living room for almost 2 years now and I think the last time we slept together was when our youngest child was conceived. This was a moment of weakness on my part as I had been lonely and unhappy for a long time and quite frankly never should've happened. I am aware that I've made things difficult by not leaving sooner, even though I have nowhere to go, and adding another child to the mix. I would appreciate no comments about this as I am fully aware of my mistakes and there's nothing I can do to change that now.

Things have become increasingly difficult since I returned to work after maternity leave mid February, and are now at the point where we just can't be in the same room without fighting. He still refuses to leave and I am in an even worse position financially as I'm now having to pay childcare for 3 children and travel costs. I estimate that I'm now about £400/500 a month worse off now than I was on maternity leave. My partner is the higher earner but contributes less than 50% to household costs. We get universal credit but our award is reduced due to his income and he doesn't contribute anything to rent or childcare costs. Currently he pays council tax, energy bill and broadband. He is adamant he contributes fairly but won't tell me how much these bills are so I can't figure this out for myself. He is very bad with money and I have had my earning arrested 4 times in the past for him failing to pay the council tax. I took over paying the rent in 2020 when our landlord messaged me out of the blue telling me we owed him £2000 and the rent was due in a few days so that amount would be increasing. I've since paid back all of the debt and full rent out of my own pocket. In the past he has hidden my mail to try and stop me from finding out about debt, and even had my name taken off the council tax in 2017. This worked until the council put it back on to arrest my wages for debt I was not aware of.

This morning I have blocked him on every single platform that he could possibly contact me on, and I have submitted an application to the council for housing for myself and our 3 children. I have been on the cms calculator to try and figure out roughly how much I should be entitled to. I know he will try to make the split as difficult as he possibly can. I feel like I'm forced to rely on him for so much that gives him the upper hand. I work full time, and I cannot get my children to nursery as I work in the next town over and don't drive. Public transport is terrible and it takes me 3x as long and costs 4x as much as traveling by car. So I am reliant on him to take me to work in the morning and drop our kids off at school and nursery. I pick them up afterwards, and my partner has wednesdays and thursdays off to look after them as I can't afford to pay for 5 days childcare. 3 days is £100 a month less than my salary. I get weekends off so look after them then.

Last week I took myself to work as things had become so bad. This adds an extra 2 hours onto my day and it costs me £100 a week which I can't afford. The nursery opens at 8am and I start work at 8am mon, tues and 9am the rest of the week, but it takes me over 2 hours to travel to work so it would be physically impossible for me to do this without his help. I really don't want to have to quit this job, and I don't feel like I should have to when I have sacrificed so much for this family meanwhile his life stays virtually the same. For the first time in my life I finally have a priper 'career' type job and I really dont want to be forced to give this up. I actually ended up with this job by accident, 3 years ago my partner decided to get a new full time job without bothering to consult me. The salary was decent so I felt I couldnt really complain, but I was working full-time and my employer refused to give me any flexibility at all and started giving me shifts that he knew I couldnt work due to the children so I was forcednto find another job very quickly. I think the desperation made me apply for jobs that I would normally consider myself underqualified for and not have the confidence to apply for. I got lucky, and am quite underqualified but my work have great faith in me and are paying for me to finish the qualifications I need to move to the next level. This will be part time so it will take a few years. I really don't want to have to give up this opportunity. Ive alreadybspent most of my life working crappy minimum wage jobs to look after her children while he has complete freedom to do whatever he wants in his career because I'm there. I've always wanted to drive but as my partner already drives it's never been a priority so just keeps getting put off as 'we can't afford it'. I don't have any experience driving and am generally quite anxious and risk-averse so I don't think it's something I can learn to do quickly. Even if I had the money I don't have the time as whenever I'm not at work I'm looking after our 3 children.

I expect it will take a long time for the council to house us, possibly years. We're not homeless, and there is no domestic abuse involved. We're currently living in a 2 bedroom flat which is privately rented so we're already overcrowded, but other than that I imagine we will be the lowest priority. I also have absolutely no clue how I'm supposed to afford to decorate or furnish somewhere. Even just the bare minimum, flooring, white goods and beds.

How can I leave him and keep my job? How can I give us a decent place to live? How can I stop our living situation being so uncomfortable in the meantime?

I plan on speaking to my manager next week and letting her know the situation and that I expect him to make things incredibly difficult for us. They are generally quite understanding, but they can't work magic. I just dont know how I can do this and that is precisely why it has taken me so long to leave. It feels impossible.

I expect someone more knowledgeable will be along in a minute!

But I want to wish you strength and success.

Could you move out and privately rent somewhere closer to the nursery and / or your workplace? Even if it was horrible and / or tiny it would simplify things a lot till you get things together, then you could take your name off the current lease and leave your partner to deal with it.

You should be able to pursue him for child support which sounds like it may be more than he is currently contributing!

In terms of furniture etc you can get a lot of things free from 'Buy nothing' groups though you might need some help from someone with a car to pick stuff up.

Do you have friends or family who could help you?

Thank you so much for your response. I can't afford to privately rent somewhere else as rents have gone up considerably since covid here. Usually they require at least 1 months rent as a deposit, usually more. We moved to our current place in 2018, and our landlord has never increased our rent during that time so we're currently paying well below market rate. 1 bed flats are going for double what we pay now, I've even seen single rooms going for more.

I could apply for council housing in the area where I work as it's under a different local authority so thank you for that idea. It would mean the kids would have to move school, and I'd need to ensure I could get childcare in that area as I really struggledto find their current place. Everywhere is full.

It does sound difficult. If you want to keep your job you will definitely need his help.

I was in a similar position when I became a single parent and I lasted two more years in the job but had to give up in the end when the children were in different schools at different times and the breakfast clubs were not early enough for me to get to work. Exh wouldn’t help out even though he could have. He didn’t pay or see the dc either. In the end everything fell apart but it was mainly due to childcare and the timings which were impossible.

I hope you find a way to make it work. Do you have family who could help?

Have you looked at one of those online benefits calculator to see what you'd be entitled to if you left him?

No I don't, I would probably need to hire somebody as i've had to do in the past. I will keep sn eye out on these pages! Although I think it will mostly be dependent on what's available when we actually move as I don't have anywhere to store things.

I'm sorry to hear that you had to leave your job and that your ex made things difficult for you. I can only hope that you're all far happier now for no longer having him in your lives.

No I don't have anyone that could help. I have no family nearby and friendships all fizzled out after having kids.

You can tell uc that he is being financially abusive and that you want the claim separated i think. There are council schemes where they will give or lend you a deposit for private rental. Furniture and white goods the council will be able to point you to a lot of different resources.

I think if you are living separately but in the same house you are entitled to make a claim for benefits in your own name without it being a joint claim - definitely worth looking into.

If you private rent now and cover most of it yourself in your situation I would look for a private rental much closer to work and move so you don't have the travel problem. Then with your ex not on the new tenancy he just doesn't move with you. Are you joint tenants currently? Can you give notice without him agreeing?

I would argue that if he's hiding your post and getting you into financial hardship behind your back that's abuse. Making it hard to leave and arguing everyone you are in the same room- is he starting it each time ir are you doing this equally? If it's mostly coming from him then is this not abuse? He's making your life hell. Abuse isn't just physical and sexual. Personally I found the emotional and financial abuse was the hardest part to disentangle myself from when I left a man like this. I did get out but he then trashed the house and I got screwed paying for that so I recommend speaking to woman's aid for advice on how to leave and possibly inform the police you are leaving and expect him to get nasty so if/when he does there is that record and possibly you have some protection.

Go on the entitled to benifits calculator. You may find with the help you are entitled to towards childcare you will be better off and actually could afford the full time childcare without his income taken into account. Even if you rent a one bedroom to save on cost you will find the feeling if safety in that tiny home is worth so much more than the extra bedroom.

Yes I have done this. Apparently I would be entitled to over £500 a week, this includes universal credit, child benefit and the scottish child payment as we're in Scotland, as well as a small amount of council tax reduction, however I would also have a 25% reduction in council tax for being the only adult in the household. I'm surprised as I didn't think it would be anywhere near that high. That should cover childcare costs (assuming I don't need to increase it to 5 days a week), and travel costs while still leaving my salary to cover rent, bills and living costs.

I couldn't afford a new private rental, we're paying considerably below market rent as we moved in 2018 and our rent has never been increased since. The areavwhere I work is considerably more expensive to live in than where we currently are.

As for the arguing I think we can both be as bad as each other. Generally I try to ignore him now but we're in such close proximity this is very difficult. He also seems to have a very loose grip on reality and will tell his family that he pays for everything and I contribute nothing while borrowing money from them all the time for bills that I've already paid. He's made it quite clear that he will lie to anybody to get what he wants? But it really winds me up when he does it to me knowing fine well I know the truth. But he will tell me I'm a 'psycho' and that it hasn't happened. I can't ignore him completely because we need to communicate about the children.

I've always been worried about contacting women's aid or other services like that incase it leads to social work involvement. While I have nothing to hide, I was in care during my teenage years and I know how difficult they can make things. They made my adult life very difficult in the beginning and it seems to be entirely dependent on individual social workers as to how helpful they actually are. Some are great, others will make your life very difficult for no apparent reason.

As for the financial side of things, it's essentially his word against mine. I can prove all the bills I've been paying, but I can't prove that he has hidden my mail or debts from me. In the eyes of the law I am jointly liable for these bills and just as responsible for any debt, even if I don't know about it.

We are currently joint tenants. I think I can end the tenancy without his agreement but I'd need somewhere else to go or I would be making us intentionally homeless.

Wondering quite what to do.

I split with my ex when my son was 4 years old. We had a pretty dreadful relationship but I decided to move close by so we could co parent together. That ended up being more of a parallel parent situation after he stopped speaking to me when I told him I had a new partner.

Not long after, I became aware that he had a new partner, whom he didn’t have the decency to tell me about despite the fact she was there all the time with my son.

Our parallel parenting relationship continued from Nov 20- Mar 24. I received a phone call from him in Feb of this year where he said he was sorry for acting like an asshole the last few years and he really wanted to work on raising our son with a healthy co-parenting relationship. I was really happy to have got to this point and felt like we had a good chance of repairing some of the damage done to our son being in such a hostile situation.

Alas it turned out what spurred on this change of heart was that his girlfriend had broken up with him suddenly and he was clutching at straws and unstable.

The next 6 weeks were hellish. He turned up at our sons school for an assembly and sobbed in front of the class, he palmed his son off on his mother whilst he went out shagging other women on the one night of the week he was supposed to see his son and he flipped between wanting to be dad of the year and working with me to sort out dates, to acting in hinged. It all fell apart when he called me one evening when I was with my partner to say our son had bit him and he’d thrown him off of him and said something really terrible

I decided it was best our son stayed with me for the remainder of April and we made a date in May for him to resume his weekends and cool off/ sort himself out.

Two days before That weekend was due to start I’d been told by his mother he’d been over there and popped off about how he never wanted kids, resented being a dad and didn’t want to see him.

he’s now ignoring my messages, refusing to cooperate and but the looks of things on his social media, basically going out and having a right old good time!

I don’t know what to say anymore. My son has been deprived his dad with no warning and still has half his stuff at his bedroom there which was a place he felt at home. It’s utterly disgusting behaviour and I don’t know what to do anymore and how to explain to my son what’s happening

So I'm not really any further forward. I filled out the housing application and submitted it. I tried to check through the week if I could bid for any properties (the system my council uses) and I can't. I never had any kind of confirmation that my application had been submitted. I noticed my partner was down as a joint applicant. I emailed them about this and they told me that the application was submitted in October and the new application I submitted on 5th may was automatically rejected. I've filled out the form a few times but never submitted it, and it says on the form that if you don't upload your documents within 60 days the application will be automatically rejected. I wasn't aware I had an application, had no notification of either the application in October being submitted, or the new application being rejected. I asked if he could be removed but was told that he needs to email them to request his name being taken off. I told him this and he said he would do it, yet he still hasn't. I asked him again this morning and he says he won't email them but will go into the office to see them on Tuesday. I don't believe this and I want it dealt with sooner so I will need to email them back to see if they can just cancel the application so I can submit a new one as he's not co operating but I'm worried they'll need his permission for that too as he's down as a joint applicant. The only other option would be to remove myself, but that would leave the kids on his application which isn't right as they won't be living with him full time!

I've also asked him for proof of the bills he pays and he is also refusing to provide this. I just want to find out how much they are so I can sort the finances because I don't trust what he tells me. I suspect the reason for this is that he hasn't been paying them meaning he's probably dragging me further into debt. I can try and get in touch with the companies directly but other than the council tax I don't even know of my name is on the accounts, and I don't have any account numbers or details about them! I suppose if my name isn't on them then at least I wouldn't be liable for any debt?

His wage only lasted him around 10 days this month (he is the higher earner) meaning he's back to spending my money and has almost completely wiped me out with another week until payday. All of the kids need new shoes, I need to pay the school for leavers hoodies for my oldest and I'm going to need to spend most of what I have left just to travel to work next week. To add insult to injury he's just been given his best payrise yet while mine has been abysmal (£400 for the year before tax, NI and pension) meaning there will be an even bigger gap between our incomes yet he still expects me to pay for most things, and because he is earning more we will get less in universal credit meaning it will actually be more of a struggle for me. I'm now earning pennies above minimum wage as my payrises haven't kept up with inflation or the rises in minimum wage over the last few years. Honestly, it all just feels impossible at the moment.

It sounds very frustrating OP.

I think maybe you do need to try e.g. women's aid for help. You can't be the only person who has these problems.

Thanks for your reply! I've always been a bit hesitant about contacting women's aid as I feel that other people need their services far more. I'm not unsafe... just living with an a**hole that's making it very hard for me to leave!

I did find out that my nursery/afterschool club can offer additional hours.. but at £11 per hour per child. In order to make it feasible for me to work without my partner's help I'd need an extra 3 hours a day for 3 children (2 in the morning so I can get to work in time and 1 after as I'd need to change to a 5pm finish as even with additional hours I won't be able to get to work in time for 8am, meaning I'd need to start at 9 and finish an hour later), plus £6 a day for my older kids for school drop off. That would double my childcare bill. Universal credit only pay up to 85% up to £1680 ish a month for 2 or more children, so I'm not sure if it would be financially viable. My childcare bill is already £1300 a month and I need to pay around £300-£400 out of pocket (more during school holidays) on top of everything else so its already a huge struggle.

Can work give you any flexibility? E.g. could you work from home on some days or leave early then log on again in the evening to make up the time?

You can claim completely separately in the same home if you are separated. You could also talk to your landlord and explain the problem. I don't imagine he'll want to rent to your ex only as he doesn't pay the bills. If you have notice you'd both have to move out unless the law is different in your area. Then the landlord can relet to just you but obviously they'd have to want to. If you do have to get a new private rent then you will get help paying. You can ring up all the utility bills and asks for details. Don't let him control you anymore. You say there's no domestic abuse but you describe really controlling behaviour and financial abuse. I really would talk to women's aid including if you are eligible for refuge

Just coming back to this thread because I don't really know what else to do. I'm still no further forward.

I found out at the start of July that he's been having a relationship with somebody at work. That has been going on since late march, when he was still fighting with me about getting his name taken off the council housing application. He'd been telling her that I'm the crazy psycho ex partner and he's just waiting on me leaving, while begging me for another chance and telling me how much he apparently loves me. Their messages are extremely flirty and have been going on for months. Its actually quite sickening because I know everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie and she's just eating it all up. When I confronted him he said shes just a friend, that its just banter and really its none of my business. It's definitely far more than that. She also has genital herpes and has disclosed this to him in preparation for them sleeping together. This is totally fine with him, doesn't make a difference apparently. He's still arguing until hes blue in the face that there's nothing going on between them. I have over 40 screenshots proving otherwise. I snapped and sent them to his mum and bosd. The next day I found messages between them bitching about what a psycho I was. Basically he's feeding us both lies. Hes been telling her that hes desperately looking for a place to live, but he hasnt actually looked or applied for anything. She knows about me but not the truth, and refused to take their relationship any further while we were still living together. So i guess that's why he finally relented about having his name taken off the housing application.

I've also found debt letters. He is over £8000 in debt for bills that he is responsible for. Currently we pay separate bills but he doesn't even contribute 50% even though he's the higher earner. This is for energy and council tax bills so they've clearly been going unpaid for a very long time. He's had my name taken off these bills so I don't get debt letters and therefore didn't know until I found his stash. He's been lying to me and told me everything was paid. Hes still running out of money 2 weeks after payday.

He's also managed to get himself a years driving ban so we no longer have a car which has made life much more difficult (and expensive) for everyone. I don't drive. I've always wanted to, but apparently we could never afford driving lessons for me, something else always takes priority. I don't really know how to drive and am generally quite anxious and risk averse so I think it would take me longer than average to learn.

I've asked universal credit to split our claim but they've told me they can't do that until one of us moves out as its a household benefit.

I've had no luck with council housing. Most of the time there's just nothing available at all. I've applied to all of the local housing associations but they don't have anything either.

I've been desperately applying for private lets but everything is so unaffordable. 2 bedroom properties are double what we're paying now. Landlords will not rent to us because of overcrowding. Ive applied for everything but only had 1 viewing. I said I'd take it but they refused to let to me because there would be 4 of us living in a 2 bedroom flat. Nobody seems to care that we're currently living in a 2 bedroom flat and there are 5 of us...

3 bedroom properties are completely unaffordable but I've applied for the cheaper ones anyway and heard absolutely nothing back. The maximum universal credit will pay towards rent costs is £650 a month for a 2 bed or £800 for a 3 bed. Private rents start around £850 for a 2 bed or around £1500 for a 3 bed. I would probably fail all affordability checks if I ever managed to get that far
I would get more UC without my partner on our claim as his income reduces our UC by a lot, but they won't take that into account and UC refuse to split our claim.

I feel totally trapped, I have tried everything I can think of and it seems like there is absolutely no way to get us out of here. I'm seriously considering just stabbing him so they'll take me to jail and I don't have to be here anymore. But I'd worry about the kids. I just can't believe that it's this hard to leave. He refuses to do anything, and wants me to do all the work so he can just continue living here. Even though it would be far easier for him to leave because he wouldn't need as big a place and his income is a fair bit higher than mine.

I've had to take 3 weeks off work with the stress of it all and I still haven't managed to find us anywhere to live or got any further forward at all.

Oh bless you OP, it is so hard isn't it with all the doors you turn to not opening.

I really think if you can't find anything soon, and it does sound like you're really trying to so it's not as though you don't deserve someone to take you on, the best thing would be to speak to womens aid....you might be able to show up at the council homeless if you say you're fleeing domestic abuse. But only womens aid will know the right information for sure. I've been in temporary accomodation and it's really okay in some places. At least then you could apply for a separate claim for UC and increase your income giving you the chance to apply for better private rentals. Or a women's dv shelter. I know someone in one and its more like a little flat in a block of flats with a communal area and support workers. Please don't think that this isn't a viable option for you, because everything you had described really is abuse.

I think there's also a government grant you can apply for when fleeing domestic abuse, although I don't know if they're still running. Citizens advice and womens aid can give you so much advice and resources. There might even be a domestic abuse helpline at your local council as there's one at mine.

How awful op. I think you do need to admit that you are being abused and seek the support that is available to abused women. If he is into someone else, is there any chance of him moving out to be woyh her? You can start divorce proceedings, even if still living together. If he will be having them part of the time then he will be responsible for food and childcare in that time.

Also, you don't need to prove to anyone that he is the bad guy, so stop sending messages to people who will always take his side anyway. Hold your head high and be the better parent to your kids because they are the ones kneesreally matter.

I've already spoken to women's aid and they don't have any refuges in our area. They suggested the same about the council, but as I don't really have any evidence it's pretty much my word against his so it worries me that they will just tell us they don't agree and we need to go back. I think you can get accommodation while you're being assessed but they can put you miles away and then I don't really know what happens if they don't agree. Do they send you back? I really don't want to have to quit my job. They did suggest I speak with an organisation 'Committed to stopping abuse' which operates in our area but looking at their website it seems they're open mon-fri 9-5 and are more of a counselling service rather than offering any practical help. I haven't spoken to citizens advice so I will look into that!

Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately there's no hope of him moving to be with her, she still lives with her parents and I think I've ruined any chance he had with her now that she knows what he's really like, he had been lying to her too so obviously she knows all that now. And considering she refused to sleep with him until we no longer lived together it does seem like she has some morals. The problem is trying to prove anything, its basically my word against his.

Yes I shouldn't have involved anybody else in this, but I do think his boss has a right to know if 2 of his employees are too busy following each other around flirting to be working effectively. And he lies to his mum about me, funnily enough he tells her that I'M abusive towards him, apparently wanting to be in control of your own life is abuse. He also tells her I don't contribute while borrowing money from her, usually saying its for something for the kids that I've already paid for. So I just wanted her to know it was all lies. His family have always been okay, it's just him that's the problem. It's still not okay though and I haven't spoken to any of them since and don't intend to.

Hi op... you need to leave or he does. Xan you confide in his parents and ask them to rake him for the sake of their grandkids? Tell them about the debt etc.

Xan you change the locks when he is out? Tell.the police about financial abuse?

He is abusing you and trying to play away. I'm so sorry you're so stuck op... its so hard in these positions for mother.

You need to get out or get him out somehow. I am wondering how reasonable is parents are and would take him. If they knew how he was affecting their grandkids.

His mum lives miles away so without a car that isn't an option. His dad lives closer and he would be welcome there but he won't go.

I can't actually change the locks or lock him out as we're joint tenants so both have the legal right to be here. I've been trying to leave but it's impossible.