Lone Parenting tips

[justamuggle21]

Hi, I'm a parent to DS (11) and DD (8). I've just become a Lone parent after 10 years of Marriage.

Although it was my choice to end the relationship ( emotional abuse etc), I am absolutely heartbroken 💔. I feel such intense grief for what I thought life would be for our family, and anger at myself for a lot of choices I made.

I feel so hopeless right now and don't know how I am going to cope. This feeling is heightened massively by being told for years I can't cope, I am weak and can't manage everyday tasks. I know this isn't true, but I think it's one of the reasons I am terrified I am not going to manage. I live very far away from family ( not an option to move closer) and have little to no support network.

Does anyone have any tips on how they managed this stage? It's very early days for me, and I'm not sure how to navigate it all.

TIA

I would say planning your time will be one of the most important things in getting you through.

And that means time with the kids and time when they're with your ex.

So, lots of meeting up with friends, movie nights, out and about stuff with the kids.

When you're by yourself, is there a project you could do? Garden? Meet up groups online (these were my saviour- I joined walking groups to get me out of the house and chatting with strangers was quite therapeutic for distracting me).

In short- keep busy. You do need to take time to grieve the ending of your relationship, but only when you're ready to x

Repeat to yourself I am enough. Believe it.

At this moment, be kind to yourself and create the home you want and some routines.

Eg Saturday mornings, library then park and then swimming in the afternoon and lots of fun and laughter and board games. Just make a nice pattern and stick to it rain or shine. My friend has pizza Friday. We have take down Friday - which is all the left overs. We get up early Saturday 7 am and the kids do chores. Get them to pull their weight as well. Everyone has their own jobs eg one washes up and one dries and you cook or something or rotate. Do not do it all. To not ask them to do stuff for you but ‘for the household’.

Tell yourself you are good enough. I am strong. I am a woman. I am a mother. I am fun. I am firm. I am capable - all day everyday. Pm me if you want some more advice or to chat.

It's so hard but it's worth it. The more organised you are the easier it is.

down time is just as important as doing stuff. it's all very well "being busy" and planning your time but if you don't allow relaxation and rest in between you will be much worse off. Lower your standards a bit as well. If you want to stay in your dressing gown all day one day a week that's fine! And if you need to have a beer in front of the TV here and there that's also fine - you don't need to be perfect.

focus on the small steps, and if one task seems too big and intimidating (sorting paperwork, or making a big change, for example) break it down into 1 to 5 minute chunks and just do a tiny bit each day. They will soon add up and you will make them a habit. That's the only way I can get through some horrible stuff I hate doing.

Buy any labour saving devices you will find helpful and can afford - e.g. tumble dryer, cordless vacuum etc etc. And declutter as much as you possibly can. so much less cleaning involved when you own less.

just keep doing it until it feels normal!

My daughter was 2 when I split from my ex and it was so tough for a couple of years. At the ages your kids are at hopefully it will be less of a struggle but it does take time to transition. I am very relaxed as a parent and just take it day by day, you don't have to be perfect every day just do your best and try and have interests and social outings for when your children are seeing their dad.

Take it one day and one step at a time. Focus on the day in front of you and what needs to be done that day. You will manage a week by yourself and remind yourself that you managed, then a month and then a year rolls round and you don't remember or recognise the life you used to have.

I remember thinking I couldn't manage alone. But each little thing I did day by day built up my confidence. I've done Christmas and birthdays alone. Built furniture alone. Redecorated the house alone. Eventually I got to the point where I realised I'd actually been doing most of it alone anyway and it felt easier without a dead weight holding me back.