My partner had an affair and left me at 6 months pregnant in December (planned baby). We share a home together but I moved out to stay with family due to being vulnerable. We have gone back and forth on what to do with our property (he refused to let me buy him out) and we finally agreed that he would buy me out my share in the property or so I thought. As part of the agreement, my solicitor requested that he prepare the separation agreement which I have been waiting on for months, since this time my baby has been born and is now 5 weeks old. I have received the draft copy of the separation agreement and he has included our child in the agreement and refuses to sign it unless I agree to his terms which state that we will share “care” of our child and also there is a clause that says we can take him out of the country with each others consent for 2 weeks.
In normal circumstances this would probably be fine but I have serious concerns over my child’s safety. Despite the affair, he emotionally abused and tried to control me during my pregnancy which resulted in ne being hospitalised and it has been complete torture. There is also rumour that he has a drug problem but I can’t really prove that.
When my baby was born, i wanted to do the right thing and let him be part of our son’s life despite the hurt he caused me while carrying his child. I let him come to the hospital when he was born, organised visits at his family’s home to see him and then I stupidly registered the birth with him. It’s all been a huge mistake but I was really vulnerable and I thought I was doing the right thing so please don’t judge. I really wanted him to be part of my son’s life.
This has hugely backfired, as usual you give him an inch and he takes a mile. Things were amicable for a while after he was born but he now demands alone time with our child (which I have allowed despite not being comfortable with) and he keeps sending demands my way to increase this all the time. I am breastfeeding on demand so it’s a bit difficult to time so I had asked him to start off with an hour until we have more of a routine - this is not good enough for him. I let him take him for a walk last week and he took him out with his affair partner, obviously this was really hard for me and there’s probably little I can do about this but it really felt like a blow considering I have been so accommodating to him. He has been sending abusive messages again since I have refused to increase visits at this time until we have established a proper breastfeeding routine and is now accusing me of trying to hinder their relationship by choosing to breastfeed. I really feel like I can’t win.
My solicitor asked for some amends to the separation agreement to say our son will reside with me (which is the case) and it’s now caused a huge row. He says he will not sign it, will not prepare another draft and says I willl have to take him to court if I want to sell the house. I’m currently on maternity leave so obviously I can’t afford this. His reasons for not signing is that it means he “will find it difficult to get custody” in future - so I am now worrying that he is going to also push for custody in future.
We also broached the subject of child maintenance and I told him I had applied through CMS - he went crazy and told me he would go self employed if I go that route so that he can control what he gives me. He would prefer that he just pays for what our child needs which would be fine but it means I always have to ask him for money? I can’t live like that and would prefer to have nothing from him as he will just use this as a means to control me.
Anyways, as you can see it’s a big mess and I’m feeling very stressed, I just feel like the rest of my life is going to be hell - I actually think my milk has started to dry up because of the stress so he may get his way after all. I really wanted him to know our son but now I see he is using him to control me still and is treating him like a possession 😭
i guess my questions are:
- has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did it pan out?
- I definitely have grounds to report him for coercive and controlling behaviour but I equally don’t want to get him in trouble (stupid I know but I just don’t have the heart). Is there way to log this without having him charged in case this goes to court
- if he does take me to court for 50/50 custody do you think he is likely to get it?
- can he really avoid child maintenance by going self employed?
I’m in a total pickle here and just feel totally lost and scared, any advice would be so appreciated 🙏