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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

DS's father ISN'T on his birth certificate - what 'rights' has he got???????

21 replies

justcantremember · 01/04/2008 22:35

I'm so confused and quite uneasy about this....I'm sorry if I go on and on.

During my pregnancy with my DS - his father, who is going through a divorce ( 4th year!!!) was constantly unsympathetic to any emotions I had - whether that was not being in a stable relationship with him because of his divorce or the worries of being a mum for the first time. I lived in 'his' house and numerous times he threw me out - I'd always head back, stupidly wanting him to be a part of his childs life from the start, even though he probably didn't want that. More times than I can remember, he would hurt me - dragged me down the hall by my hair, slammed me up against the fence outside and wrestle with me - all during my pregnancy. I always got blamed for his actions - he would say things to me that he knew would upset me and keep at it til I would break. I tried to slap him once, for a cruel comment he made and he hit back - because in his opinion if a female hits out then she should expect the same back!!?

I was 8 months pregnant when he threw me out - again - each time I would go to my parents so he knew I would be looked after. I tried for ages to get him to understand what he is throwing away and eventually I moved back in - to find out he had been in touch with his 'wife' and didn't think to warn me that she may call the land line!!! I tried to blank it all out with all my thoughts on the imminent arrival.

After a 45 hour labour my DS was born and his father was present, being quite supportive. The problems started again when DS was 5 weeks old and it came to registering the birth. As father wasn't divorced and the completion no further forward - bearing in mind the contact he had had with his wife only a few weeks previous, I had talked about giving DS my surname with the view of changing it to his surname once the divorce was done and dusted. I got a phone call an hour before the appointment telling me that if I gave DS my surname I can get the f**k out of his house - again. I gave him the chance to be with me and be on the certificate at least but he never turned up.

I got back to a locked house - no key and a screaming 5 week old hungry baby. Hence to say we moved back with my parents - again!!

Because of his actions he requested that we have a DNA test done to prove he is the father - no respect or trust for me and a very dramatic person indeed. I dented his pride and he just wanted to continue being hurtful. We had it done and the results proved to him what was obvious and a complete waste of money!

He gives me £50 a week and helps with a bit more £ but only has weekends and the odd few minutes a day with DS if I take him to his work place. As for being a 'father' thats only on DNA papers - he's more like a playmate. He knows nothing about parenting and only knows what I tell him about his own son.

What I would like to know if possible is.....

Does he have any say in where and what I do with my DS? Surely I have sole parental responsibility as he's not on the Birth Certificate? Would he need to know where I moved to if I was planning to?

I couldn't trust him with my DS on his own - would I have to leave him with his dad without me just so I can keep getting this £50?

Sorry for dragging this on but I feel so sad and upset - I just want to break all ties as its clear to see that this man doesn't want us as his family.

OP posts:

shelleylou · 01/04/2008 23:14

Your ds's dad does not have parental responsibility. As a result of this all of the decisions to be made about your sons life are yours to make alone. He wouldnt have to know where you moved to as far as i know, nor would he have to have unsupervised access to your son. Access and child support arent tied together it is however a legal requirement for the non resident parent to pay maintenance. Citizens advice will be able to give you all the information you need. HTH and someone who knows more will be able to advise you.

beller · 02/04/2008 16:11

i think shellylou is right, although i think he could take legal action to have his name put on the cert and get equal parental responsibilty? Thats if he can be bothered to do it? I really hope you find happiness away from this man as he dosnt seem to be very nice at all, and you would be much better off withough him xx

shelleylou · 02/04/2008 18:28

Ye he can apply to a court for joint parental responsibility

Original poster

justcantremember · 02/04/2008 21:13

Thank you shellylou and beller for your replies.

I have tried to explain to him that he has no right over anything I do or if I choose to move away he couldn't stop us but he has been a bit of a bully. If I don't let him see my DS then he will stop the bit of money - I would probably be wise to start the ball rolling with the CSA although am dreading that. I'm a full time mum and am enjoying bringing up my DS even if that means little income. DS's dad has his own business and would happily 'hide' a few things if it means he would have to pay me less - he doesn't understand he'd be cheating his own son and its not for my benefit. And he is the kind of person that always comes out on top. There are so many bad stories about the CSA that, financially, I would be better off 'doing as I'm told' - or have they improved the process???

He seems to think that any maintenance automatically gives him a right to access - this really isn't true??? Obviously he is seeing his solicitior for divorce proceedings and has told me that HE KNOWS that he WILL see DS whether I like it or not. Even though I think I am right in what I say I start to worry that he may be right.

Beller I think you are right in what you say 'if he can be bothered' to apply to court for parental responsibility. If he uses the same solicitor as he has for his divorce it will probably get sorted out in 4 years time!

I do feel sad that I even have to think like this. DS is so adorable and doesn't deserve to be mixed up in all this upset. It makes me think that his father doesn't look deeper than the few hours he's with DS - what about the future!!? All I believe is that this man couldn't adjust to being a full time father and would probably resent giving up his beloved single lifestyle. I really want to make the break but worry what damage it could do to DS.....

OP posts:

shelleylou · 02/04/2008 21:22

My ds's dad has joint parental responsibility and i moved 65 miles away from he the only way he could of stopped me was by getting a specific order from the courts. It didnt really make any difference to ds as he was only seeing him every other weekend and worked out in his favour as i assigned the tenancy of our flat over to him.
I have had some trouble with the CSA but this was due to a payment being 'lost' they found in in a few weeks and has been sent to me. I take it you've applied for income support, even if you went through the csa you would get the usual £59.15 income support and then £10 maintance. If your xp has any shared care the csa will take this into account and deduct 1/7 of it. They may work out a different figure to what he is currently paying.

alittleone2 · 03/04/2008 08:30

Message withdrawn

Anna8888 · 03/04/2008 08:36

You have sole Parental Responsibility for as long as you are the only parent on the birth certificate.

It doesn't sound as if your baby's father is/was a good partner to you.

If I were you I would built my own life without your baby's father (including trying to be financially self-sufficient). You need to let your child build a relationship with his father, but you also need to have full control over when and where that relationship starts to be built.

alittleone2 · 03/04/2008 08:45

Message withdrawn

Anna8888 · 03/04/2008 08:50

No, alittleone2 - the relationship is three-way and whether or not the man in this scenario is a good partner does have a bearing on how and when he sees his child, who lives with the mother.

lostdad · 03/04/2008 09:12

I'm with alittleone2 here.

Whether the man is a good partner or not is irrelevant. There are plenty of people who are good partners and bad parents. And vice versa.

Others still who are bad partners and bad parents. And vice versa again.

A child has a right to two loving parents - why would any good parent deny their child the right to another good parent (and extended family)??? Anyone who says `he/she was a bad partner to me so they are a bad parent' is putting their own needs ahead of their child's.

alittleone2 · 03/04/2008 09:13

Message withdrawn

Upsidedowncake · 03/04/2008 09:20

But hasn't the OP essentially suffered domestic abuse? Surely that would make a difference in the family court?

yorkishbirdy · 03/04/2008 09:30

He can apply for parental responsibility through court, as he has a DNA test it is unlikely that they will refuse unless you can prove he is a risk to his child (not you - unless you actually fear for your life) As for moving away, you can but a court would expect you to enure there are reasonable plans made to allow contact.

My thoughts would be that, should he go to court, it is likely he will get weekend contact, holiday contact and probably at least some overnight time along with PR. Given that you don't want that they it is in your interest to stop it going to court. He cannot control you and I agree that you should not allow it, but threatening to leave "and you can't stop me" etc is just winding the situation up and is no help to anyone.

alittleone2 · 03/04/2008 09:34

Message withdrawn

yorkishbirdy · 03/04/2008 09:34

Anna8888, you do not have to be on the certificate to have PR (in fact a non-parent can have pr in some situations) also, the fact that one parent does not feel the other is "not very good" does not stop a court giving access - unles they can show actual risk of harm to the child.

alittleone2 · 03/04/2008 09:38

Message withdrawn

elliott · 03/04/2008 09:45

I think this man sounds awful. he has a history of being violent and abusive, and the reason he is not on the birth certificate is because he didn't turn up to be there (that is necessary if the father and mother aren't married). he sounds bullying and controlling and I think the less you have to do with him the better. I am not sure how far he would pursue his rights to access and I'm not an expert in the ins and outs of the money, I just think he sounds like bad news for both of you frankly.

alittleone2 · 03/04/2008 09:52

Message withdrawn

yorkishbirdy · 03/04/2008 09:52

Elliott, precisely, he sounds like he would pursue his rights just to try to cause difficulty for his former partner. All the more reason to play it by the book IMO!

elliott · 03/04/2008 09:56

OK, after the birth he locked his baby and its mother out of the house, making them homeless. he demanded proof of paternity.
Yes I accept that in law he has some rights, but he still sounds like bad bad news to me.

yorkishbirdy · 03/04/2008 10:06

Yes Elliott he does on the surface of things, but that doesn't change anything in terms of what will happen in court and in terms of how one adult should deal with another when it is relating to a child they had together.

THe fact that one person is being an arse or whatever is never an excuse for the other to be the same - we all know that the results are a nightmare for all concerned. In a court there is more sympathy given to the person behaving properly and being reasonable etc.

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