Ex dictating and being a bully

[Jinnie75]

My husband and I have been split for 9 months. All was amicable at first, despite he was the one who left me and our 2 teenage girls.
He introduced a 'new' girlfriend at Christmas. Then things became more strained and he's been an absolute dick at times. People were telling me he was seeing her before he left, obviously hes denying it.
A lot has happened, our eldest daughter became ill and had to have an emergency operation at the beginning of December. She is due to have another operation at the beginning of July. She is also suffering mentally and was refused help from CAMHS. Unfortunately, she resorted to self harming last weekend, I took her to A&E and she was seen by CAMHS straightaway.
Everything has been really stressful and I started suffering with depression and severe anxiety. I was signed off work and I've only just gone back on a phased return. I've been taking Sertraline for the past 6 weeks and finally feel I can cope.
My ex has been a nightmare throughout all of this. I had weeks of him sending horrible messages, criticising my parenting, telling me to stay the f**k out of his family, and other nasty things. I blocked him late one night because of this and was so worried about him turning up, I got out of bed to makes sure all doors and windows were locked.
Now he's kicking off about child maintenance. He tends to see our youngest daughter more regular. Our eldest daughter has a strained relationship with him, probably due to the fact he left 6 years ago and it's never been great since. Our eldest daughter has stayed a few nights a week with her boyfriend and his parents. They have been great and very supportive. My ex is arguing that he shouldn't pay maintenance for her on the nights she is not sleeping at home. She doesn't particularly want to stay with her dad much at all. Since he left in July 2023, she has probably stayed over 6 times, if that. I think he's pissed that she doesn't want to see much of him.
I had a ranting text off him yesterday saying he wants to make decisions about what goes on in my house with the girls. He only wants our eldest to stay one night at the weekend at her boyfriend's parents house. Can he do that? He also wants us to meet and write out an agreement of what he expects in return for his child maintenance payments and were both to sign it. His words were, he's 'paying me child maintenance to be the primary care giver'.
He's also pissed that I asked his dad and step-mum to have our youngest daughter for one night on Thursday this week so I could go and stay with my boyfriend for a night. He thinks I did that so he can't deduct one nights stay off the maintenance payment. It never even entered my head to do that. I asked them because they live 20 mins away, he lives over an hour away.
He's a bully and will not back down. I had to stop him from coming into my home because he would make gibes or cause arguments if front of the kids. He's been asking prying questions to the girls about my personal life and then twisting and using it against me. I could go on and on.
I almost had it out of him to admit he was having an affair. I truly believe he won't admit it because our girls would find out the truth.
He wants a no fault divorce too.
Any advice is appreciated.

Have you looked up grey rock/yellow rock approaches? I would keep communication to email only, and ignore comments relating to your boyfriend etc. I made the mistake of replying and defending myself constantly when we were in the early stages of our split, and it was such a waste of time and effort. It made things much worse too.

Child maintenance payments can go via CMS and then there is no need to discuss these further. He has no say at all on how the money is spent, or whether your children have sleepovers elsewhere (this doesn't affect maintenance owed unless it's a permanent arrangement).

I have tried the grey rock approach, not heard of the yellow rock. I find it just riles him even more. I've already made it clear that I won't tolerate his way of speaking to me and quite often I hang up when we're on call.
He obviously feels a loss of control and criticises me on my decisions about sleepovers. He even tried to tell me I should only stay with my boyfriend at the weekend.
He keeps threatening to go through CMS, which I have absolutely no issue with at all. Not sure why he thinks I would be upset about that tbh.
Our eldest daughter is so angry with him leaving and that he has moved on with a new girlfriend so soon. She doesn't want to stay with him much at all. He thinks it my responsibility to persuade her. I have tried that in the early days and I never discourage her in any way.
I know things should get easier, it's difficult to see sometimes whilst you're in the thick of it.

Block him.

No messages, no texts.

Start a cms claim yourself.

He isn't going to calm down and he's just using you as an emotional dumping ground which you don't need.

Take back the control. CMS today. First thing.

How old are the teenagers here ?

It sounds they are old enough to sort out contact themselves .

Tell him you have an email for any contact . You will no longer be taking calls .

assuming he isn’t self employed - go to cms . It takes the threat out of it .

You need to find ways to take back control .

The divorce it makes no difference to the settlement who is at fault..

Grey rock will annoy him however it’s like a toddler the more you give in every time he kicks of tantrums will get bigger.

re your b/ friend . There is no reason why you shouldn’t have one however be aware the girls feel abandoned by their dad . They do need you around .

Thanks for the replies. I've not had any dealings with him for a few days, unless it's do to with the girls.
They're 15 and 13 and generally do sort out with their dad when they're staying with him.
Our eldest daughter has had ill health over the last several months, which resulted in an emergency operation and another operation scheduled in July. He agreed to attend every appointment with us, which he hasn't done. He'll ask me to tell outlr daughter that he can't make the upcoming appointment. Told him he needs to tell her himself. He called me an 'utter twat' for saying that. Cometely went off on one at me. I didn't react, just let him rage. Had to take her to camhs at A&E one evening because she has started self harming. Phoned him to see if he could look after our other daughter, he couldn't because he was playing a fecking darts tournament ffs! Now, who's the 'utter twat'!