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Finding DS very full on and feeling smothered!

5 replies

Desperatelyneedabreak · 20/04/2024 22:46

How do you cope on your own when you don't get a break? my son is very very full on, I find myself sometimes hiding in the toilet to sit in peace for a while, he talks to me or should I say AT me constantly it's all day he never stops speaking its genuinely constant. Even my other children have commented on it saying he is always talking to me, he is constantly showing me things or shoving his laptop in my face to show me things, I will be cooking in the kitchen and he wouldn't wait till I've finished he will constantly come to show me things or constantly asking questions or telling me things on repeat that he has told me a million times (he is autistic) it's relentless and it is really difficult. If I sit on the sofa he will bring a chair from the dining table and place it in front of me and sit and stare at me and talk to me! I feel trapped. He is constantly humming or singing I think everything just needs to be about him. I don't get time away from him other than when he is at school but I mean I don't get any days "off" from it because his father doesn't see him so it's every day the same thing he follows me round the house or waits for me to finish things to start up again, like I will go upstairs to put clothes away and he will be waiting at the bottom for me, he isn't an only child so he is not lonely etc. I posted on another parent group but they didn't understand just told me to be grateful he is like this as he will stop one day but I am finding it really hard if I ask for space or can't find interest in what he is showing me (he shows me the same things over and over) he gets mad at me and goes in a bad mood and starts huffing and going "oh my god" 😐. I dream of weekends to myself where I can switch off from it but then get made out to be a bad mum for wanting some days to myself. How do you cope in this situation? I need to have some time away from him he will just hum constantly if not talking he is constantly attention seeking, I feel bad posting all this but it's the truth.

OP posts:
Solgrass · 20/04/2024 23:07

If have family or friends you HAVE to reach out to them, let him bond with others maybe over a certain topic etc that he can ask all these questions to. Call them from your house or drop him off for an hour. He will pick up your frustrations because you’ll be so exhausted. Also if you have family, a sleepover on a regular basis?

Also, have a look into ADHD. It sounds like it could be this.

Try and set up an audio book earlier at night. So if he goes to bed at say 7.30pm. Make it 7pm but give him an audio book. That can give you a little extra time to unwind.

Finally, you have to be firm at times. That you state, you need 15 minutes no interruptions and only cone to me if it’s an emergency. Go over what an emergency means. Try and implement this at certain points throughout the day. Reward with praise when he manages this.
Also for boundaries, try and keep your bedroom to yourself. It’s tempting to let the kids in but make this your sanctuary that the kids are not allowed into. All the kids, not just your son. And before other posters claim they could never do that! You then have no idea how exhausting it is to have a child who constantly needs biofeedback from you, question after question that have no end in sight.

good luck, stay firm

Dizzy82 · 20/04/2024 23:22

My son is similar but it has been easier as he gets older, he's now 18 and plays online with friends or watches films in his room.

Still get head pecked throughout the day, was up early for work last Tues and at 6:45 am he was showing me guitars online whilst I was trying to get ready!

Desperatelyneedabreak · 20/04/2024 23:59

Unfortunately he doesn't have any friends at all and hasn't really ever had any. In school he made 2 friends towards the end of school but they both went to different schools. He has started year 7 and hasn't made a single friend. So many people told me he would "find his tribe" in secondary school but he hasn't, he hasn't made any friends at all and refuses to, he has no interest in making friends. I have family but they would not look after my children for me.

OP posts:
ShinyBandana · 21/04/2024 08:40

I hear you @Desperatelyneedabreak ; I’ve got a DS (11) like this. He would ‘transmit’ at length and then test me and check I was listening. Gosh it’s so hard because you don’t want to reject them (that has its own consequences) but there’s only so much I can feign interest in and it can be relentless. I’m grateful to have DH share the demands and I can only imagine how hard it is to have to manage this on your own.

We’ve had some success in explaining that we all have things to do during the day but there will always be time after dinner for 1:1 chat before bedtime - we alternate this and we each spend 60-90 mins undivided attention with him each night. I know that’ll be hard for you doing it every night but it has the advantage of pushing all that demand into one time slot and maybe that would help you have respite at other times of the day?

His older brother also helps - so he’ll take him out for a walk, play on trampoline, or play on the PS. He’s old enough to babysit so we can go out for a couple of hours and big brother does the 60-90min evening chat (we pay him a tenner). Sometimes we ask him to do an ‘internal babysitting’ where he does the bedtime chat and me and DH watch a film together in our room (he gets a fiver for that)

The other thing that has helped has been a Saturday half day drama group. Sports activities are a no-no for DS - but he’s loving the drama group, surprisingly.

TL/DR - lean into the chat but at a defined time of day, get his siblings involved to help, consider a half day activity at the weekend - drama might be good.

good luck

RandomMess · 21/04/2024 09:35

I agree you need firm boundaries.

There is nothing wrong with giving him fixed time slots and the other behaviour is not acceptable.

He can write a list of things he wants to show and tell you about at X o'clock and he has to wait until then.

It could be he needs 20 minutes after school to talk then an hour later on.

He either lets you cook in peace or he cooks!

He is not permitted to disturb anyone in the bathroom or you in your bedroom.

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