5 months no contact. Still broken

[rosygirl14]

It’s been nearly five months now of complete no contact with my ex of four years and father to my 17 month old. I haven’t spoke to him and he hasn’t seen our son either. Literally nothing whatsoever and we live in the same town which makes it harder the fact he can just disappear like this.
I feel like my life has been in limbo since the day he walked out on us. I’ve definitely moved somewhat forward and I’m no way in the same place I was in the first few months, but each day I still feel incredible hurt, betrayal and sadness and it won’t go away.
It’s so hard to accept someone I trusted and loved so much could do this to the both of us. My heart hurts so much for my son to grow up without a dad and wonder why he wasn’t enough.
As my son is getting older he’s becoming more aware of his surroundings and I caught him watching all the other dads and children in the park when we went the other day. He then kept trying to join in with one particular dad and toddler son who had no interest in including my son and I found it very upsetting on behalf of my child if I’m honest. I had to stop myself from bursting into tears then and there.
Of course I didn’t know what my son was thinking but it absolutely broke my heart as he’s only ever shown an interest in females before (all my family members are female pretty much so no male role models around). I cried myself to sleep that night.
Does this get better? I just don’t see how I can ever be enough for my son and how to protect him from feeling abandoned / like an outcast :(

You are enough OP 💐

Thank you, it’s just my son I feel so incredibly sad for and worry about immensely😔

It will improve honestly, my dp has never met his dad and his mum did an incredible job raising him . My dd1 hasn’t seen my ex since she was 5 , she is now 25 and v successful, we can do it !

DD’s dad was very involved in her life until she was 5, when I had to stop contact due to safeguarding (its was his partner not him, but he did nothing to protect Dd).

The best thing you can do is never speak badly about his dad, even if it hurts you. And explain in age appropriate ways why he’s not there as he gets older. Which I know is difficult, but you have to do it.

Have you thought about therapy for yourself? It’s the best thing I ever did and helped me see one healthy, happy parent is better than 2 when one doesn’t want to be there.

Some men are just horrible, and that is the sad fact of life. But you are more than enough for your son, at least he did this when he was too little to ever remember him. All his memories will be of you and how well you loved him.

@Cadela , my dd never mentions my ex , but he left us for ow when she was 3 months old! I’m going to find it pretty impossible to say anything positive about him if she ever asks ! In my case it was also his choice of partner that caused contact to end .

I'm another one where my kids don't see their dad - safeguarding reasons (to do with him sadly). My youngest doesn't remember him and sees our life as normal. My eldest has vague recollections and is more hung up on the idea of not having a dad - I don't think it is really him she misses, more the idea that something she once had is now missing.

But, we have to be enough. We are there when they are sad and hurt, but also there for their triumphs. Its a hard road, but ultimately we have to make the best of what we have.

I'd second trying not to speak badly of them, no matter how hard it is - I will answer any questions my kids have as truthfully as I can in an age appropriate way (not always easy), say I don't know the answer if I don't, and tell them if I think that they are too young for something but that I will tell them when they are old enough. My ex did something indefensible and unexplainable. I just say I do not know why he did what he did (all the kids know is that it was something bad), but that I have to keep them safe and happy and that I will not go anywhere.

Good luck - my heart breaks for all the lone parents out there that have to do this alone. It is so hard. But we can do it.

I’ve never known my dad, op. Very small family too, just my mum and grandma, and a grandpa who passed when I was a teenager. As a result, I have an amazing relationship with my mum. I see everything she’s done for me, every sacrifice, all the time she was able to give me.
I notice an absence now and then - but seeing someone having that special father daughter bond wouldn’t have been my experience due to the type of man my ‘dad’ was. If your ex is happy to disappear for months on end, he likely wouldn’t be the type of dad to play in the park.

You and your little boy are a team. He will ask questions and that’s ok. Be ready with answers to tell him while his dad might not be around, you most definitely are. You will fill in the gaps he’s left because you sound like a great mum. You’re enough for him and that’s all he needs ❤️

You are enough💐 I raised my son on my own as his dad decided it was all too much effort . Hes a lot older at 20 years old but just got his first serious girlfriend/passed his test and is a good lad. It was tough at times but you will have an un breakable bond with your little boy and you will be an amazingly strong mum. You’ve got this ❤️

OP you will be plenty for him.

he’s so little that he won’t remember living with his dad - he’ll remember being with you.

I mean this kindly, but you're projecting. Your baby is a baby. He's not looking for a dad, he's not noticed he hasn't got one. When he grows you can find all sorts of books about diverse family types (one mum, one dad, two mums, two dads, raised by grandparents) and enrol him in clubs where he'll have male sports coaches/role models.