help!!!newbie here

[marysavannah]

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[Tortington]

i think you should maybe change your name to something which doesnt link you to yourname or your child or your circumstances and refrain from using named with which he could search using the search tool on mumsnet.

click your member profile and change your name to something not recognisable or associated with you then you can ask as many of these questions on mumsnet in the future and we willbe able to help you on a long term basis.

as far as he knows you could always be marysavannah but in actaul fact you can have changed your name

if the guy wants to search through over 300 messages to find out what you have posted after you have changed your name - then i would suggest he is mentally unstable!

[Tortington]

ps - making your daughter giggle is not grounds for a stable long term relationship - i hope you realise that

[marysavannah]

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[somebody]

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[nightowl]

mary, please dont take this the wrong way..im not trying to be harsh. if he has hit you before he will hit you again. end of. if you really want to try again then please let it be the last chance you give him. your child is too young to understand anything right now but they still sense something is wrong. she wont remember anything from now...but if this was to continue for years then she would. trouble is, the more chances you give him, in my experience, the more he will treat you badly. if you are going to give it another try make sure its for the right reasons, rather than just a comfort blanket as such. i know how hard it is when you feel there is nothing else you know but make sure you dont step into wasting years with someone who you will split with anyway, further down the line, maybe when you have more children and its harder to break free. does that make any sense? if you feel you need to in order to keep posting here, change your name. dont worry too much about explaining your circumstances again, you can do it in a roundabout way. there are so many here sadly with similiar things going on im sure he cant check on all of the posts similiar to yours, and tbh..even though ive had this name for a long time i still often have to explain my circumstances. (although it is easy to be paranoid, i do it all the time) if theres anyone here that you msn or trust you can always let them know who you are anyway by other means. i know im rambling again (as i do) ive just seen this so many times (and am having to watch a friend go through it at the mo when i cant say a thing to her about it. ive seen her go from being a confident (although sad because she wanted her ex partner back so much) person to a controlled shadow of her former self. she has her partner back now and maybe she thinks she is happy..she is the only one who cant see how she's changed and she blames everyone else close to her for how her partner behaves..its not him, we just all dont understand him etc). i cant tell you if you are doing the right thing or not but whatever you decide, dont ever let it get so bad that you lose yourself xx

[marysavannah]

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[aloha]

He will have PR but it really means nothing. It doesn't mean you can't leave him or that he has any automatic rights to contact or anything - except that it is unlikely that you can change your dd's surname. He cannot claim tax credits and CB if you have your daughter living with you (which you will do). Please don't worry about the PR thing - it really does mean very little. If he's violent, breaks things and hits you then you must LEAVE for your daughter's sake, not stay. As for the hitting, it doesn't matter if it doesn't leave a mark. Pick up the phone when he is out and speak to the domestic violence unit at your local police station. They will help you.

[marysavannah]

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[somebody]

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[somebody]

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[PinkArjuna]

Rights? I think you need to speak to womens aid. A man who is violant to you will have little or no rights to your child. If social services were aware they would consider the child protection register. Children must be in safe environments. Perhaps asking womens aid about moving into a shelter? Also the national council for one parent families might help they can tell you your rights. But Social services would mess around where there is violence concerned so you have to think there may be rights but how far they will go is debatable.

Leaving is hard. One of my friends was in such a bad case of domestic violance sometimes I would fear for her life. I know you say it could be worse - but what if one time he hits you and you have serious medical complications and your child can no longer rely on you? I don't mean to fill you with guilt. I just worry.

You deserve better. So much better. I have lived on my own since 19 and sometimes money for rent is hard. I was badly anorexic so couldn't work and had nobody to depend on appart from myself. I am no longer ill, I dug myself out of it. However I find myself 18 weeks pregnant - I moved out of Cardiff to Bristol to escape the abusive relationship I have suffered all my life with my mother. I knew I needed to think of the future I could provide my child.

I didn't tell the father. He treated me poorly and coerced me in to sleeping with him when I was drunk. I didn't want that kind of thing hanging over me I was raped when I was very small so I have always been scared that it could be worse. Men have so much power over our actions. If you can emancipate yourself from it - I tell you honestly, you will be surprised at what you can do. I still worry about money and where My childs future will be but I know it had to be away from all the sytematic negative treatment I was experiencing.

You would be stronger for it. We are women - like tea bags you don't know how strong we are going to be until you throw us in hot water.

I would understand if you stayed. I know what esteem can make you stay in. I would be sad though as you seem to be considering that life could be different although hard. Sometimes hard can lead to something so much more positive. I hope you find a way. Benefits are tough - as a single parent perhaps you can access a grant for education. There is so much more help than there used to be.

Please keep us updated. I so hope you leave.

[ZoeBristol]

Flippin eck Pink youve been through some and bad things eh.....but sounds like you are a massive positive person now and come out ok..look forward to meet xxx

[marysavannah]

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[nightowl]

mary, if you swing from being controlled to hitting him (even if he deserves it).. thats not a good relationship. you are feeling resentful of the way he controls you and its coming out in one big rush. you either need to call it a day imo or sort out the control issues. a partnership should be just that. you should not have to answer to anyone else, it should all be about compromise. if youre an adult then you should surely be allowed to live by your own rules? would he agree to some sort of counselling do you think? one good thing is that you can see whats happening here, because many women cant in that situation and will lay the blame on everyone who tries to help them rather than look at their partner's behaviour.

[somebody]

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