why did my ex H lie. What should I do ?

[raisinbran]

We have 2ds age 9 and 4. We seperated last July and due to circumstances we have to share the same house for another 4 months.

My husband has stated on numberous ocassions that he isn't seeing anyone and even laughs about one girl I suspected.

Well I have emails that he is seeing her, spent time on holiday with her when he was supposedly travelling by himself and also weekends when he was away on business.

I know he we are separated but we did have an agreement that if we were seeing someone for more than 5 dates we would tell each other. This looks like its been going on for a least 6 months.Even at Xmas I had a melt down and he assured me of there was nothing going on.

I thought we had an amicable speration and there is quite a bit of money in joint accounts still to be sorted out. He is the large earner and I SAHM.I believed we still had some trust and were being very sensible about the split for the sake of our children.

Do I just pretend I dont know or confront him?
It is so unfair he has someone special to help him through this.I just feel so alone,low. All my friends are married, too busy I dont think any one will every be attraced to me.

Do you think he lied to tried and protect your feelings? He may not have wanted you to have another meltdown. there may not have been anything malicious.

I don't see what you can do about it. He has every right to meet someone and have a relationship - you can't stop him! You might be annoyed if he's broken your agreement, but there's no way of holding him to it. Not his fault you haven't found anyone else.

You need to focus on your own confidence - start tackling unhelpful thoughts such as 'no-one will ever be attracted to me'.

Im sorry to hear youre having a hard time. Maybe you could just keep your business to yourself as he is doing. Or if you confront him, it may be more trouble than its worth. At the end of the day you are separated and if he doesnt want to do what you both agreed, just leave him to it.

Just concentrate on yourself and the 4 months ahead

He shouldn't have lied (that was not nice) but, as you are still living together, it sounds as if he took the easy route just to avoid confrontation and that is why he wasn't honest. Quite predictable.

I would try not to confront him with it as it won't achieve anything and, as others have said, he is free to do as he pleases. Just keep it under your hat.

Even when you have agreed to split up and both want to keep it amicable, it is very hard and still hurts. You want an open and honest friendship but it can take time to get there and to adjust to the new way things are. A lot of people never achieve it, do they.

Just because he has lied about this does not mean that he is lying about anything else. He may well want to do the right thing by you and your chidlren re. money and eveything else.

It is normal to feel vulnerable and upset and unsure whether anyone will ever want you. For many reasons, it often is easier for men to move on but there are lots of people who find happiness after a break-up. Being a SAHM, you have based your life around him - makes it harder to adjust. The important thing is to think about what you want to do, in the future, with the rest of your life. You could probably rush into a relationship in order to have a shoulder to cry on, but it is unlikely to work out long term. It's better to get used to your new independence and try to make yourself happy first.

It is early days, but do you have family or your own friends nearby to provide a support network for you? Would you think about working again or other activities to meet people? I expect he will be around to help you as the children's father but it is important to make your own plans as you need a life separate from him. (He is building his life separate from you now.)

Thanks everyone I really needed to hear someone else was out there. Your reponses have helped.I just can't stop crying and I thought I was over all this.
I have just had a hot shower been for a long walk. I need to get my self together as my neighbour will be dropping the childen back in an hour.

I am still overseas so my close friends aren't near by and my telephone card is out so I can't make any long distance calls until tomorrow. I haven't really spoken to any friends about it here. They don't really understand and what can they do I'll just make them feel more uncomfortable if I start getting upset again.

I will look for a job when I get back to the UK and try to piece my life together as was my original plan following our seperation.I think I am more frustrated with myself that I don't have the qualities his new girlfriend has and how I would like to be .Plus I was always the one who wanted a great loving relationship and he was a more logical unemotional one.Here he is planning to live with her as soon as we move.In an other country so he wont be so close to his children.

I think I am also worried on the trust front.We came to an agreement on how our finances would split and maintenance for next 18 years etc. It made good sense and logic to do it this way. But I am going against the advice of a solicitor and my Mother. Now I wonder if he can lie about his relationship will he lie about the financial deal we made.

Yes, he will lie about financial arrangements and you should do what your mother AND solicitor are recommending. He has met another woman and is now going to be under her influence. Fact that the is already lying about it says a lot. If your soontobeex is suggesting that he is going to move to a different country and not have a relationship with the children, then there is nothign to preserve and keeping it all nice and happy for the sake ofthe kids is a waste of time. Make sure you get the support that you deserve (properly set up by a solicitor) because even if you don't necessarily want it, your chidlren will need it and you would be doing them a disservice if you didn't set things up properly.

Have you had a deed of separation drawn up, or is this just a verbal agreement? Its really important to have something down legally on paper to protect yourself & your dc. You dont have to go down the whole guns blazing legal route, but you do need something legal on paper otherwise you could find yourself in a bit of a mess in the future.

I dont understand why these men are allowed to get away with behaving as they do. Dumping on their loyal wives from a great height & then being legally entitled to remain in the home rubbing the poor wifes nose in it, causing immense mental torture (designed to make the poor wife accept less than she deserves purely for the abuse to end) when they would have no problem whatsoever staying at a friends or moving into a bedsit.

Its a mans world & the law is a croc of sh1t!!!

We did get lawyers here to draw up the seperation agreement that we put together ourselves and that cost nearly $3000. When I saw a UK lawyer and showed him the agreement. He said they aren't legally binding and they could be produced if it went to court but it wouldn't hold much weight. The solicitor suggested I take all our assests and have a clean break, whereas we had agreed to split out assets and my ex will pay me maintenance and spousal allowance as a percentage of his income.

I gave up my career because he could earn more than both of us working and sharing childcare.We have worked our way to quite a good financial position from nothing and now his salary is likely to rise significantly (just as we have parted). He agreed to give me the maintenance up front for the year so I would have peace of mind.

As I believed there were no other parties involved we agreed to wait the 2 years.Now I think I want it over asap. There are a lot more factors my solicitor said it was complex divorce and we had tried to simplfy which wouldn't work.My exH says his job is to sort out complex problems and why should we pay all the solicitors fees.

A separation agreement isnt as binding as a Divorce with a clean break, but I think it would only be overturned if it was shown that one party had agreed to it without legal advice. (Which it seems to be the case with yourself)

He would be liable to pay child maintenance & possibly spousal maintenance (depending on his income & your ability to generate your own income, now & in the future) anyway. It does sound like he is trying to dupe you.

As a minimum (unless the marriage was very short) you would be entitled to 50% of all assets, including his pension.

I think you both need to sort this out properly with mediation so you both get a fair deal. If he is not willing to go then the legal route may be your only option, but it all depends on whether its worthwhile pursuing after you take into account the assets value after you take away up to 40k in legal fees.

The whole thing is a blinkin nightmare. Going through the same myself so I do sympathise.

Sorry, just re read your post, & you say you agreed to split assets & he will pay you cm & sm. I missed the bit about the asset split. This still seems a bit sus considering it probably doesnt include any of his pension (which is probably quite considerable) or it may be a reasonable deal, but it all depends on how much sm he has agreed to pay & for how long. If its a decent amount & for life it may not be worth arguing the toss.

In summary.We were together 17 years and married for 13.

Until he gets his next job (hopefully in the next few months) we can't really work out what the percentage would be. The overseas secondment we are on now is not the norm.What is included in his salary package now, wont be the case in the future. That is why we have only the agreed asset split and the recommended child maintenance until the kids are 18 or at uni, with sm for 3 years.Then to agree future sm when we have established both parties costs. The thought was I would be more established in a job and as my salary increases the sm would reduce. (Who knows what job I will get when I will be the full time carer and he will see the kids probably one weekend a month and some of the holidays.)

I know What doesn't kill etc makes you stronger. It just is very hard.

Still Mumsnet does help as you can discuss things on here and know you'll get opinions and advice.

Wishing you well to SP, thanks for you time.

Where a man is the main earner, he will want to retain the power that gives him, and will want an 'amicable', 'informal' agreement rather than a court telling him what he must do. The implication is that he will offer to be reasonable about money in return for you being reasonable about the kids and other things. You will be afraid not to accept the informal arrangement in case this causes conflict and, indirectly, affects the children and your relationship as co-parents for the future. You don't want the blame for starting a conflict so the temptation is to just go along with what he suggests. It is easy for either or both of you to get paranoid and resentful and for things to get worse. You want to avoid this and to do the 'right thing'.

It's really hard, Raisinbran. I don't know about the divorce process because I wasn't married (I just have to negotiate child maintenance) but I do think you have to protect yourself and, most importantly, your children. I would get good advice (SparklePrincess knows what she's talking about) and use it as a basis for negotiation with your xh-to-be. It should be possible to let him know subtly that you know your rights without presenting it as a direct threat. Alternatively, tell him that you would prefer everything to be on a more formal basis just so that you can make plans and have a feeling of security. Suggest mediation.

skyatnight, you just summed up my situation perfectly in your first paragraph. That is 100% what is going on with us. I can see myself agreeing to less than I would be likely to get through court purely to save the children any more stress.

Its so easy for a man on a good wage to gamble on a court case, because he can always make more money so can afford to take that risk. A woman, who has to provide a home for & feed & clothe the children cannot afford to risk losing tens of thousands of pounds of her settlement because generally her earning capacity isnt as great as a mans, & she has the dc to think of.

Why cant men ever consider the children in these things?

Thanks for saying I know what im talking about by the way. Im certainly no expert, but you do pick up a few tips as you wade through this mess.

Hi Sparkle. I think some men, in their infinite wisdom , think that they know what is best for their children and that they can only ensure this if they are in control. So, for them, retaining financial control is the same as doing the best for their children. I don't know. It's a shame when things deteriorate in terms of trust and respect. It grinds you down but it is often the reality of relationship/family breakdown. As the mother of the child, you are in a bit of a bind but I suppose I can see a man's point of view too.

I suppose men feel threatened by courts/CSA interfering in their finances. Understandable, I suppose.

Then there are the men who don't care about their children and don't want/intend to pay to support them.

H announced in mediation that in all fairness im only entitled to 40% of the equity. The mediator said nothing. How on earth do you deal with somebody like that?

Is it possible if mediation fails to by pass the whole solicitor negotiations game of bat & ball (which im assuming is where the vast majority of costs go) & apply directly to the court for a decision over finances & possibly even child access?