Newborn and struggling

[anony1111]

I'm a lone parent to a beautiful baby boy who is nearly 6 weeks old and starting to struggle. He sleeps pretty well on a night but through the day he just wants to be held all the time. I feel like I shouldn't complain as he sleeps well on a night but I just can't get anything done, even the basics of looking after myself such as showering and eating. I understand he is a newborn and they just need their mummy to feel safe which makes me feel so guilty but I need to do the basics to look after myself to keep my mental health in check.

I don't know what I really want from this post, maybe some advice from mums or even dads who have/had a newborn as a lone parent.
How are we meant to manage?

Some days by the end of the day I'm in tears, I keep telling myself it will get easier but I don't know if it will

Sorry I'm not a lone parent but this popped up for me in the main feed. Have you tried a sling/wrap/carrier? That's the only way I was able to do anything with both my babies. Ask a friend or family member to come hold him for a bit? If you need a shower and really want one pop him just by it in something safe and just be quick. I know it's hard listening to an upset baby but if it's going to help your mental health then might be worth doing occasionally.

I just put the baby down in their cot and let them cry while I showered. I prepared and ate meals with them in the sling.

Ready meals, eat out in places such as supermarket cafes to cut down on cooking.
Unfortunately mine often cried when often when I showered

Not a lone parent but DH worked alot. Have you got a swing or bouncy chair. When I needed a shower mine went straight in the swing. Couldn't get a long shower but that couple of minutes was heaven😂

6 weeks is really tricky, it definitely gets easier. I used to put baby in a bouncy chair in the bathroom while I showered and used a carrier to get a few jobs like laundry done. Baby can cry for a few minutes, you need to shower and eat etc. they will be fine in their cot while you do what you need to, it’s really stressful though. Do you have any help irl? Parenting with other adults is easier, even if it’s other mums at baby group.

Sorry you're feeling like this, it is tough and no need to feel guilty. I'm not a lone parent have had lots of line parenting time when partner goes away with work and I have no support network near me.

Thing I found to help.

Start the day right. Make sure you have breakfast, have a shower (baby will be more than fine in a bouncer in the bathroom with you), get out for a walk straight away or something will always get in the way later in the day- I always feel fresh air does mum and baby wonders.

If baby won't chill in the pram on a walk then use a sling.

Get a sling if you don't have one as you can wear baby around the house while you get on and do jobs or just relax, or go get your nails done.

Build your support network if you don't have one. Go to all the baby groups and make new friends who can help. Ideal if you have friends you really trust who can look after baby for an hour or so.

It won't be like this forever.

Thank you for your replies. I do have a sling which I use a lot to get things done around the house etc.
I find it so stressful hearing his cries and I guess it must be stressful for baby too.

@wonderstuff I have my sister and mum who help as much as they can which im so grateful for.

I think I need to try get myself into a routine everyday with eating etc as you say @trampoline123 so I start the day on the right foot.

I knew this wouldn't be an easy journey but feel like a bit of a failure at the moment

I promise nothing bad will happen if you feed/swaddle him, pop him in a bouncer in the bathroom and take a 4 minute shower. Same goes for making/drinking a cup of tea, putting a load of washing on and all the rest of it. I’ve always put my babies down for a few minutes when needed and while the crying isn’t nice, nothing bad will happen and you simply have to eat/wash/hoover.

I was a single mum to a newborn (had a toddler and teenager too). My best tips were to get a cleaner (once a week, was great to know I only had to keep on top of basic stuff). I also utilised a nursery 1 day a week for the toddler (I assume this isn't useful to you as you don't mention other children).
I probably showered less than desired, but it didn't kill me.
Meals were mostly basic, stuff like jacket potatoes that just get thrown in the oven, or air fryer stuff. Pasta and jarred sauce. I aimed to be in the kitchen no longer than 10 mins of meal prep. My baby didn't appreciate the sling that much, so although we tried it, it didn't get huge amounts of use. I had bouncers all over the house in the end to pop him in whilst I did whatever it was. He was a fan of cuddles, so did sometimes cry whilst I did something. But there wasn't really much choice. I had other children who needed me and absolutely zero support unless it was paid for (eg. Cleaner and nursery).
You will look back and feel so very proud that you got through it. You won't even remember how you did it...but you will get through and with many moments of joy.
Mine is about to turn 9 now and is my greatest achievement!

Take a shower then baby is asleep. I didn't shower every day having a young child. Then he is old enough/heavy enough go babyswimming.
Use a sling/carrier.

It will get better!

I am alone parent had a singleton then dt. Things that helped once baby is fed, changed pop in cot with radio/TV on while you shower (or pop in a seat in bathroom), sling in house and just get on with what you need, it won't harm baby to be left for short periods/cry, get out everyday for a short walk, find a baby group, contact your health visitor/gp if you need to, meal plan and batch cook so not spending lots of time cooking (with my first I ate lots of omelette and salad). Routine helps (but also be flexible if need be), have the nappy bag always packed then you can leave the house at a moments notice if it gets too much. Make things easier for yourself like a tesco delivery or only washing baby clothes if there dirty/been warn a few times/bath baby only a few times a week they don't need it every day.
It will get easier, parenting changes as they get older (less physically draining but more mentally draining i find) but the exhaustion of those first few months does end. In the meantime do what you need to get by.

I had a preemie NiCU grad on oxygen who had terrible colic and I couldn't let him scream because his oxygen levels would drop-I made sure to eat breakfast while hubby was home before his work day and same with showering. He'd come home at lunch to give me a break to eat, use bathroom before going back to work. He'd get home and I could cook dinner and we'd take turns overnight. Gradually he would scream less and age 8 months stopped screaming altogether. I don't know what I would've done if I were single I guess he'd be in the bathroom and kitchen with me in a sling or a bouncer. It'll get better. Mine took two naps a day without fail and those were a godsend

At 6 weeks if everyone makes it through the day fed and unscathed it’s not a failure. I think routine can be helpful, but really you need to do whatever gets you through the day. The days are so long, but somehow the weeks and months fly and just as you get your head around one problem a different one appears. Everything is a passing phase though and none of it forever. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s true.

I promise you if you’re worrying about baby crying while you shower you’re definitely not failing!!

I was a lone parent to 4 under 7 one being a new born, as ex left when I was pregnant. He didn't bother with them again. You just get on with it I'm afraid and babies sometimes have to be left to cry I had 3 older kids to also care for so couldn't not let the baby cry occasionally. I had children to care for get ready for school, shower, bath, cook dinner for etc.

I used to put baby in a sling (boba wrap) and have a wash with flannel, it works trust me! I know exactly where you're coming from, it sounds so easy to 'just put them in a bouncer' but in reality mine would have screamed the house down if I did that and not what you want to hear every day. I found getting washed and dressed as soon as we woke up and before we went downstairs helped as at least then you feel ready for the day and if you want to pop out quickly you can. Or have a shower as soon as they go to sleep in the evening.

Get some ready meals, or batch cook if you can. Is there anyone who can come round and bring you some dinner? My parents did that for a few months at the beginning.

Thank you so much for your words of advice. Today has been a more positive day and things don't seem as bad.
I can't remember who mentioned other children but I do have a 6 year old son too. Im just trying to find my feet as a single mum of 2 I guess and I know it will get easier but it never seems that way when your in the thick of it does it?

@MintGreenC I take my hat off to you! That must of been incredibly tough going!

Glad things have got a bit better, going from 1 to 2 is so difficult. Be kind to yourself.

I sympathise with you so much.
I too am a single mum, my son is 16 months old now but god was the newborn / baby stage the most traumatic time of my life. He never slept unless he was directly on top of me and even then I couldn’t move an inch as he’d wake up. That lasted until he was around 10 months old. He also cried A LOT and was just genuinely a very very difficult baby. It didn’t help the fact he never slept either so I was always sleep deprived.

I found bathing with him the easiest, you can pop him in a little baby seat in the bath whilst you wash yourself - I know it’s not the same but it had to be done if I wanted to wash.
Or, I’d personally invest in a baby swing but one that moves itself (like an operated rocking / back and fourth motion) I think it’s called Nuna. You can get them second hand as they are quite expensive or I’m sure there’s some dupes. Honestly it’ll be a life saver for you, especially because it moves so gives baby the rocking sensation. You can pop him in that directly in front of the shower whilst your in there - I did that too and I usually managed to get about 5/10 minutes.
Try dancing fruits on YouTube? He may be a little young but I think from 8 weeks my baby was mesmerised by it.
Also as suggested previously, use a sling - I used a wrap around one from Amazon.
I used to eat with baby on my lap or holding him. It was miserable I won’t lie but just remember this stage doesn’t last forever. The fact he’s so content with you just shows a very healthy bond between you both.
I hope your okay. Being a single mum to a young baby is the hardest job in the world, I cried so much for months but just remember to reach out for help x

Another thing I found helpful was just letting go of all expectations I had for myself. I just had to let go of myself briefly which is very sad and it’s no wonder many mums lose themselves to motherhood, but it helped me in terms of not being so fixated on looking good / feeling good. I used to go a week without showering at one point. I found meal deals / microwave meals the easiest which isn’t the most nutritious but some are better than others.
Could you ask your mum or any siblings to pop round and you go in the shower? Could you organise a set day each week someone comes over and you can get on and do some things you’d like?X

Thank you @wonderstuff

@rosygirl13 thank you, it's such a difficult time isn't it? I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds it hard but sorry you found it tough too. I do have a swing for him but he's too small for it just yet and is too slouched in it so we just have the bouncer at the moment. I did try dancing fruits the other day and he did about 5-10 mins so I managed to wash the bottles without him in the sling 😂
It's just finding the little things that give you 10 mins to get something done isn't it?
I am doing ok after some more positive days but like you I have had a few days with tears from me and baby and I'm sure there will be plenty more!
My mum and sister do help when they can which I'm super grateful for. I usually get a shower or do the things I can't do with baby in the sling.

my ex was unable to be unsupervised from when my Ds was 6 weeks old . I carried him round in a carrier ate sandwiches .

we had baths together sometimes . I put baby bath in the water . I mostly ate sandwiches..

Also you know if you have a 6 year old the instagram image of new mums in the gym in full make up and hair immaculate are not real life for the majority .

You are doing great . Don’t judge yourself harshly expecting perfection

Hi! I am also a lonely parent to a 5 week old. It is tough! I also have 3 other children but luckily they stay with their dad 2 nights a week.

I too struggle to keep up with the basics of a tidy house, showering and eating cause baby wants me all the time. I've learned to accept those things happen when baby allows. I've been pretty stubborn in not asking for help from family and friends. Do you have any support from family and friends?

I wish I had the answer but the only thing I've found that allows me to tidy up the house and eat a bit is a baby wrap/sling. Have you tried that? Do you have a bouncer or a swing you could try little one in that may allow you to shower? Sometimes the movement keeps them settled for a small period of time.

You are welcome to PM me. I don't have the answers but to know you aren't alone sometimes helps. I'm trying to appreciate baby while she is so little. Although these times are hard she's never going to be this little again xx

Hey lovely, it's SO hard. It just is. As much as it is joyful too it's bloody hard. My experience (and I know this isn't everyone's) is that it does get easier around 6 months. I felt like I'd had a complete identity crisis for the first few months and never got any time to do self care or all the "healing" and resting women should have post birth. Single Mothers (and women in general) are bloody powerhouses. You are a prime example. My only tips are:

It will get easier (or at least it did for me and others I know)
Shower while baby in bouncer
Get one of those star light projectors that project coloured moons and stars onto the ceiling (it transfixed my little one)
Filled fresh pasta, jacket potatoes, beans on toast etc
Make yourself say yes to help. If it doesnt come naturally to you to ask for help tell yourself it's for your child not you asking for just you. That helped me accept help/ask.
If people ask what they can do and you can't think of anything ask them to cook a few comforting nutritious foods or if they don't want to cook they could order you a takeaway
Use the app too good to go. I got about a weeks with of delicious healthy curry on there for £4 and the deals always go a long way - helps when you have weeks where you don't want to cook
Don't worry about slumming it a bit. You are doing a round the clock job and that's incredible.
Connect with other single Mum's (gingerbread charity and also single Mum facebook groups in your area, when LO is older and if you're feeling brave start a basic single parent stay and play at the local community centre - ask everyone to bring 2 quid and a few toys to cover snacks and let the babies mess around with all the different toys people bring.
Anything beyond making a sandwich seemed impossible to me at that age tbh and now I feel SO so much better and me and DS (now 18 months) have a great time together xx

Bless you OP and congratulations on your little one. It's tougher than tough, but yes it does get easier. Routines are very difficult to establish, so don't be too hard on yourself at the moment.

Call on your family wherever you get the opportunity. Try and go out every day, just for a walk.

I was with someone who was never around, so basically a lone parent. Luckily my baby was good, but it was still bloody hard!

You can do this OP..you can do this😊

OP I think 6 weeks is often the time where the pure exhaustion kicks in. You’ve had a baby and had 6 weeks of looking after a newborn and your son.

You must be totally exhausted. I do think it only gets easier. Clingy babies are so tricky but don’t beat yourself up for letting the baby cry while you sort yourself out. You’ll be in a better position to look after them once you feel like you’ve sorted yourself out.

And is it coming to the end of school holidays for your older child? If so hopefully it will be easier when they’re back at school.

Take care of yourself as much as you can.