Ever stop feeling unloveable?

[Millypad]

Sorry for the rant, but I had the realisation tonight that when I’m at my lowest I have nobody to call. My husband left me two years ago - two years ago today, actually, just noticed that! - when our kids were 1&3. We were living in a house rented from his parents so me and the kids moved closer to my parents two hours away (plus we were in London and I couldn’t afford anywhere round there). We’ve now been living in our cottage for a year, they’re now 3&5 and the oldest is settled at school. It was a weird limbo with me and their dad - jumping between him wanting me back, me asking for time until the housing was sorted, one counselling session and then just sort of nothing. There’s a lot of stuff unsaid - I find it tough that he’s never apologised or even acknowledged the things he did or said (through a lot of his lies/deflection I worked out there was another girl around the break up, he demonised me to everyone so I was the villain and at that point I was so used to his feelings and perception being the most important thing that I never even told my family because I was scared they’d think badly of him. I’m late dx adhd/autistic and didn’t realise a lot of the difficulties I was going through at the time because it takes me months/years to process my feelings.

this is more of a chunter than anything, sorry. But those of you who have been told all the reasons you’re hard to love (also my parents are good people but aren’t super forthcoming with the affection either) - how do you ever get out of the mindset?

the kids see him every Fri-Saturday night and I’m so glad because they have a great relationship (he’s much more playful than me) - and when they say things like ‘daddy’s my favourite’ I am the grown up and know it’s because they miss him, and don’t take it personally but it breaks my heart when everything is so close to the surface. Keep getting this horrible sensation of dying alone. Anyone know what I mean?

I’m sorry you are having to deal with all this - I know you say your parents aren’t overly affectionate but clearly they are a support if you chose to move closer…could you maybe spend more time with them or other family?

I had nobody in the world (all sadly passed long ago) apart from my children for years, and the loneliness can be enormous. Ex manipulated local community to believe he was a victim and I was a nasty/crazy/etc bitch…but I’ve just held my head up high and got on with living my life. Maybe it’s time you start detailing to loved ones what you’ve had to go through…if nothing else it would probably be cathartic for you.

I know it sounds trite but time does help. You’ll get more used to where you are, discover new people, your children will grow and still know with utter certainty that they have your love.
Good luck.

Thank you for reaching out and I’m sorry you went through all of that - it sounds so hard to have been alone through that - I hope you’re proud of how you came through it.

My parents are great in many many - but also - I suspect undiagnosed neurodiverse, and we all tend to end up wildly overstimulated and cross with each other if we spend too much time together, especially adding in my brilliant but very loud and messy kids. But they have been fab in emergency scenarios if I’m in desperate childcare need.

one of those weird millennials that has friends but scattered all over the UK so it’s mainly over whatsapp but it’s good to know they’re there. I don’t know how to articulate it well but I still have the hangover from the relationship that I’m wrong with things I say about him (it was all covert, nothing that could be called on - for example, he did the washing up when he was last here and then offered to clean out the fridge for me because one of the kids ‘might get hold off the gone off food’ - on paper this looks like he’s the most amazing guy in the world and that’s what everybody thinks, but I lived it with it for years and it’s a way of putting me down subtly - this was with everything) - and I still I have half a mind that I was the bad one and he was right.