Do kids ever settle in two ‘homes’

[TrickyExHelp]

My kids (pre-teen & KS1) have been going to their dad’s EOW for 4yrs now. Each time either one or both of them is reluctant to go and their behaviour is poor on the first couple of days after they come back to me (behaviour at school affected too). They love their dad, they just don’t like being away with him at his place overnight. They’re fine when he has them for tea times in the midweek.

Will they / do they ever settle in cases such as this? I can’t just let them stay with me during his time because of the court order. I’m also terrified of being accused of parental alienation (and losing the kids completely due to the warped family court system!), so I have to encourage them to/make them go each fortnight.

I feel so guilty! It’s a mess 🙁

Probably not with eow as it's not much time to "settle" maybe kids do that go more regularly

Mine go EOW and have for almost 10 years (bar a couple of years where Ex was a useless prick)
They definitely feel settled at his. They have their own rooms (way nicer than their rooms at mine) and they do feel at home there.
I have had the discussion with them previously and both feel more "at" home at my house. Which makes sense as they're here 85% of the time.
They also feel settled at my parents house though too, so maybe they're just "settled" kids IYSWIM

It depends why they don’t like staying overnight.

If it’s something like they have to sleep on uncomfortable airbeds and dad doesn’t plan to buy a bed then they will probably always feel like that. If it’s something like they never go on sleepovers because that’s just their personality then I would say the same.

Do you cosleep at home ? Do they go to bed straight away ? Often parents don’t agree on how to deal with kids not going straight to bed and his approach may be what’s putting them off staying the night.

Your preteen is rapidly approaching an age where their opinion counts more than the current order. Around age 12 ish their opinion will count legally.

I don’t think they ever truly settle, they’ve always got their ‘home home’ and then Dad’s. It’s easier if Dad lives alone, but if you throw in Dad’s new woman and step-kids and it’s a shitstorm waiting to happen.

7 years in and not settled for mine. I don't think it's the length of time between visits I think it's their father that's the problem. Mine improved a lot for a while when ex gf was making huge effort with them but she has her own child now so doing less.

Mine have despite their dad being pretty disorganised. I didn't want to do eow as it's bad enough having two week timetables for school never mind trying to work out in advance if I or they are free on a particular weekend for an invite. They therefore go on for two nights every week including Thursday and Friday night and come back at mid point every weekend. It's therefore very regular and always the same - (which helps with their dad's own hopeless organisation). That's not possible if you're far away from each other, plus there is a risk with school organisation in the week, but we have a system on this that I keep relatively rigid (even if I'd want to go out on a Saturday night - I simply don't but am free Fridays). I hope things settle OP. Have you seen what the set-up is there? Has he made bedrooms work well for them?